She sits across from me and cheerily talks about her life. She is waiting to start her internship as the final step to becoming a pharmacist. At the same time, she is continuing to volunteer at two organisations. From all indications, she has an almost picture-perfect life. And then she quietly reveals, “I have been dealing with depression and anxiety…” and later in the interview she shares that she has attempted suicide, twice.
Reisa Roberts is not ashamed to talk about her battles even though she told Stabroek Weekend it was the first time she was doing so in the mainstream media. She has addressed the issue that is affecting so many person on her Facebook page. While she was nervous, she believes it is important and a conversation that must be had.
“I think it has always been there… it is not something you’re conscious of until it actually starts [to manifest] and for me that started coming out [in] the latter part of my first and second years [of university],” she says of her depression.
She recalls that she was always the funny one in her group of friends; the one who was quick to make a joke or open to being offloaded on, but she was not one to share her issues.
“I used to say I would fake it until I make it and so if I am not feeling okay I would just have the attitude that it would pass…,” she says.
Roberts pauses and then shares that she had attempted suicide twice; she struggles and pauses again.
“I was disgusted with myself and I couldn’t figure out why. And I know now it is because I didn’t want to face certain things. I didn’t want to admit certain things to myself, but at that moment I just wanted the feeling to stop… I just wanted an out….,” she says.
In an effort to help herself to move past the period Roberts got a tattoo on her hand of a butterfly and a semicolon; her friends have given her a band and a chain with pendant that represents the tattoo. The semicolon signifies that there is more to come and the butterfly, a sense of new growth.
“It got to a point where my depression was way more than I was… I couldn’t hide it anymore,” she says. “I was getting more panic attacks. I was on campus and I would have to take a break because I could feel myself going into a panic. I would feel my heart palpitating, my palms would get really wet, my pores start to raise, and I would have this fear that something is going to happen, and I don’t know what it is…”
At times she felt trapped and even though she was breathing she felt like she could not breathe. There were times when she had to leave public transportation just to calm herself.
Roberts says that after a while, even though she continued to suffer she decided to address the issue openly on Facebook not just for herself but for others as well. It was after one of those posts that her mother decided she needed therapy and while she identified someone, ultimately Roberts had to make that decision to access the help.
It took her a while to reach out, but she eventually did. Roberts was placed on an anti-depressant and she hated it because she felt as if instead of making her better it was making her worse as at one point she could not sleep. When her medication was changed she was sleeping all the time.
“It was too much, and I felt that it wasn’t particularly helping because I was still going through wanting to just die. I felt like the easiest way out is just take me out and then…my mother would not have to worry about me…” she says.
She came off the medication and her mother and brother joined her in the therapy sessions. For a while she knew her mother felt guilty as she did not know what was happening.
“Girl, I masked it well. I used to be out in these streets acting…,” she says with light laughter.
Aware
“One of my strongest supports now is my mother. I can go to her at any time if I feel that I am having a depressive episode and I don’t know what is going on… and she would sit on the bed and she would hold me and say it is fine we could talk about it…,” Roberts shares.
Her mother, who she says did not grow up hearing about mental health issues and being of an older generation, has accepted that she does have a mental health issue. She did not tell her to pray it out and that has really helped her in the journey.
She recalls that when she first spoke of the issue, one sister attempted to have her go to the pastor to be prayed for and she says while she does believe in prayer she also knew that she needed professional help which the pastor could not have given.
Today, Roberts would not say that she has overcome her mental health illness, but it is a work in progress and there are times when she has to take a break to regroup.
“But I am so blessed with the women that are in my life, with the friends I have. I am so blessed. I constantly tell them that they don’t even know how much they have saved me…,” she says.
Her friends take time to talk to her when she needs it, and others would even pick her up when she calls.
“I do not think I would have been here without the kindness I have had from friends in primary school to friends I have met two days ago,” she says. “They have been so supportive of me just telling them I just need a break. Even at work now they are aware that I suffer from depression and at any point at time I could message and say I need some time and they would say, ‘okay, is there anything you need?’”
She believes making her circle aware of what she was going through helped her, as before she went days in depressive mode fighting for herself, but now there are others who fight with her and for her.
Volunteering
Talking about her life as a volunteer, Roberts says growing up as a Seventh-Day Adventist saw her volunteering as a child as part of the Adventurer and Pathfinder clubs.
“I think [being in the clubs] birthed me wanting to do more and while I was in Pathfinder, I started volunteering at the Red Cross Convalescent Home,” she says. The home is just around the corner from Olivet Seventh-Day Adventist Church, which she attended.
This moved to her and friends volunteering at the Millicent Greaves Memorial Senior Citizens’ Residence. She recalls an elderly member of the church, who she fondly refers to as ‘Granny’, and wanting to cheer her up led to them working with the other residents giving hampers and doing manicures and pedicures.
Working on a project at the Guyana Human Rights Association after she had returned from St Lucia where she had spent a year attending medical school is where the passion for volunteerism seriously started.
“It opened me up to a whole different world that I hadn’t thought about or I wasn’t experienced in,” she says.
She later ended up at the Guyana Women’s Miners Organisation (GWMO) initially as its secretary (she now manages one of the organisation’s projects) which meant that she was the first person who met those seeking help from the organisation and the passion grew.
Even though she worked with the organisation, Roberts says, she decided to volunteer her free time with its Social Services Unit. Referring to herself as a “grown child”, Roberts says she quickly relates to children and so her assistance goes much further than just helping children in communities but actually forming relationships with them.
She recalls that the trafficking of a 12-year-old girl who was pregnant really drew her into the work and as such while she may leave the organisation professionally she will continue to volunteer her service for a long time to come. Even as she speaks about that particular case Roberts’ hands trembles, indicating how much she was impacted by the experience of that child who has since come a long way.
“They have been able to show me the true meaning of volunteerism which is… I come and help you and I can help five others after… and help a generation to develop and I can also help your community to develop,” she says of her work with the organisation.
While she was born and raised in Georgetown her family is from Region One and for her it is rewarding to work in that region and help the women in those communities.
She also volunteers with the organisation’s safe home and sleeps over with the residents at times as they attempt to have some form of normality especially into the lives of the children.
Roberts also volunteers with Sexual Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) Adventures, an initiative that seeks to raise awareness on sexual and reproductive health and rights with a special focus on family planning/contraception in Guyana. She answered the call of SRHR for volunteers as she notes that talking to young people about sex is important and instead of preaching abstinence she wants to talk about safe sex.
“I love being a part of SRHR because it is an organisation that is tackling so many taboo topics,” she says, adding that it helps women to openly speak about these issues.
During her third year at university, however, Roberts was forced to take a break from both organisations as she felt she could not give what was needed and instead of giving sub-par work she wanted time to “fix me so I could help others”.
“I am going to be pharmacist, but I would still be as involved in social services. Because you can definitely have a correlation between the health and social services,” she says.
If you are struggling with depression and need someone to talk with you can call the Ministry of Public health’s ‘Safe Space’ hotline at 655-7233 or any of the numbers below for assistance.