When dealing with things that are intangible, the reality of them being dangerous can at times feel unreal. Temporarily surviving them as they play out right before your eyes can induce a feeling of being favoured by the gods or cause people to think they know themselves and their bodies so well that they can do an individual analysis and determine what they can bypass.
When things are new or are not typically discussed it leaves room to revert to learned behavioural tendencies. It allows facts to be contorted and it can sometimes force shame upon those you simply want to migrate from the old ways of doing things.
I have been on antidepressants for roughly four years. Without them, I am not sure how I would have navigated daily life and now this pandemic. Aggressive OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) made my life, for as long as I could remember, exhausting and terrifying. Trusting the science, the clinical psychologist and the psychiatrist made me feel defeated. I felt this way because culturally anything related to mental health is seen as a waste of time.
To discuss feelings and emotions growing up as a child was unheard of. The authoritative culture of not only family structures but religious and institutional settings forces you to shut down to anything you feel to be different. Hence the continuity of learned behaviour and practices.
I often wonder why we are so comfortable with ignorance. Even when it literally and figuratively drives us mad. Saying openly that I take antidepressants after surviving a culture of shame over them was liberating. Seeing the difference they have brought to my life and how I navigate it leaves me floored every single day. The beast that is OCD is complex, difficult and agonizing to describe. Life without antidepressants and therapy would have meant that I would have tested myself everyday for COVID, that I would have had panic attacks over an unrealistic fear of infecting others even though I worked from home and that I would never leave the house unnecessarily.
Life before antidepressants meant me distrusting medical staff, thinking that something bad would happen. It meant my fear of needles caused literal chaos in hospital settings; being close to anyone with a needle activated thoughts of them wanting to stab me with something infectious. These thoughts are not rational. I know this. But this is OCD. The fear it causes through irrational thoughts is isolating and destructive.
I rarely ever have them now because I choose to trust the science and the doctors who know way more than I do and understand OCD for what it is. I was lucky to be in a culture and an environment where talking about it was normal, welcomed and encouraged. This is something I wish for everyone because if it weren’t I’m not sure what would have been my reality.
COVID-19 is another frightening disease where we must leave ignorance behind and trust the science. Like OCD, it probably doesn’t feel like an immediate threat and because of the way it has accelerated, and the variations between the experiences of those who have contracted it there is a shadow of doubt over its reality. This drives people’s belief over their personal ability to beat it. The vaccines along with other safety protocols are the only sure way of tackling the virus, slowing down mutations and ensuring that even if we do contract it, hospitalization is highly unlikely. We are fortunate to have access to vaccines. We are fortunate to have so much media debunking the untruths and now we must act on that good fortune.
