Things are slowly reopening here and the excitement feels almost like Christmas. My anxiety that flares up from being outside and in proximity to other people sometimes feels as if it is about to swallow me. Nevertheless, there is a special pressure that exists that forces me to want to be outside, to wear my Sunday best and act like the pandemic has disappeared for a hot minute. It feels as if I am caught in two worlds and there are realities of the pre and post lockdowns that I have both come to appreciate even more.
I liked being home despite the occasional craving for social gatherings. I liked it because it was comfortable. There was no pretence or charade to act or dress in a certain way to suit social settings. Being at home made me realise the lengths we go to and the gruelling effort we put forth to be present. I will miss not having to spend so much time contemplating on image as I prepare to re-engage with the world.
The desire to shop has been somewhat dormant. Perhaps because reaching that hedonistic high from brick and mortar shopping was inconceivable for months and the reality of having literally nowhere to go was the main driver. I have learnt to be in constant appreciation of what I have and I will miss that if it ever leaves me. I am anxious about how I will navigate the capitalist claws of the fashion industry on the high street.
I wonder if my bravery will be diluted when it comes resisting wearing bras as I have done for the past seven months. Will I be tempted to retreat to my old ways? Will I feel pressured by everyone else’s supposedly ‘put together’ image?
This pandemic is the furthest thing from over. Navigating our feelings post lockdown, particularly when we don’t know what variant is waiting for us around the corner, feels tricky. Perhaps the wisest thing to do is to make peace with the reality that things will not be the same for a while and neither should we.
I am easing my way back into society, trying to force myself to check the things that feel unreal and remind myself constantly of what I liked when I had all that time on my hands to think and ponder. I am becoming more comfortable with saying no. Feeling pressured to socialize even when you don’t want to is a sure guarantee that it will probably feel forced and not joyful.
What we all should be doing, if we can, is going to the places and meeting the people we want to meet on our time and our terms. While it might feel like time is running out, I think what should matter most is the quality of meetings and socials.
Wishing you an easy and safe transition back to socializing as vaccinations continue to rise.
