“Sometimes I wonder how a mother could do that to her own child. Yes I know she didn’t want me to marry this man, but look how long [it has been]. And I have children, her grandchildren, and still she treats me like a stranger,” said the young woman as tears rolled down her cheeks.
It has been almost ten years since she got married yet she remains estranged from the woman she calls mommy because her spouse was not approved by her mother.
“I would not lie, it hurts me, because you know on holidays and so you want to go visit your family, but I ain’t really got nobody to go by. It’s just me, my husband and my children. I know I have my own family but I want my children to know my relatives too,” she told me, still crying.
I met up with this sister for the first time recently through the arrangement of a third party for a specific reason but during our conversation she shared this sad part of her life. She told me that I could publish what she said but to keep her identity anonymous.
“Is not like the whole village doesn’t know what is going on because everybody sees and knows. But it’s just like I don’t want to cause more problems because my mother might get more vexed and I don’t know what my husband would say so it is best you don’t say my name or anything,” she said.
“I am my mother’s biggest child and I don’t know why she can’t just talk back to me, you know. Is not like I go out of my way to marry somebody she doesn’t like, because for her is like I marry down. I don’t know of any big problems between the two families but I guess she just doesn’t like them.
“And his family don’t like me either so we two are in a bad situation and that is why sometimes I cry because my children are not getting to know their grand-mammy and granddaddy, we just by ourselves,” she shared.
I asked her how her mother acted prior to the marriage.
“Well you know the first time I fell in love with my husband, my sister told my mother and she quarrelled with me. She even beat me. But I still used to hide and see him because we liked one another. When he come and asked home for me, is not his mother and father come with him, but his uncle and his wife. His uncle is the only family that really accept me,” she answered.
“My mother didn’t behave too nice. Is shortly after that she put me out and I had to go and live with him by his family and that was not nice. I don’t know if my mother believed when she put me out I woulda left him. Even though it was not comfortable, I still stayed and she used to call and curse and so. I get pregnant and we decide to marry but my mother didn’t come to the wedding; it was really sad,” she continued.
“Soon after she moved out of the village but she still comes almost every day because she works here. One time me and my husband didn’t have nowhere to live and still my mother did not want to talk to me. Now where we live is still not comfortable but we have to try and we hope to get a piece of land so we can build but you know everything takes time,” she said.
“I try to imagine how my mother could pass where I live almost every day and not one time she could come in and see her grandchildren. Like she doesn’t want to know them? Is she family. I am her daughter, she can’t hate me so much,” she lamented.
I asked her if she had reached out to her mother.
“You know how much time? Is like she would talk lil but that is it. I don’t even know where she lives now and she never invited me. She doesn’t talk to my husband at all, its like he’s too low fuh she or something. She never saw this last child and to see the big one, somebody had to beg her fuh come and see him. He was sick bad and he was low and she came to the hospital but after he got better she never came back and saw him and she didn’t talk to me.
“I want to know sometimes if she prefers me to be dead or something because I don’t understand she could hate me so much,” she said, once again bursting into tears.
“I don’t really study so bad about my husband’s family, is he and them but I do study my mother and my sister. My sister has to hide and talk to me. My father and mother separate, he doesn’t really mind but me and he are not so close you know. I don’t go by my in-laws either.
“I love my husband and my children and I thank God fuh them but in this life you does need to have your relatives, you know. I don’t really have friends and I don’t work because I have to take care of the children so sometimes it does really be lonely and sad,” she told me.
And if she could say something to her mother today?
“I would tell her that she just needs to put away bad things. Yes you didn’t want me to marry the man but he is now your son-in-law and his children are your grandchildren. Let us live in love. That is all I wish for right now,” she said sadly.
I felt the sister’s pain and I hope her relationship with her mom is repaired. It is certainly not worth it and as the saying goes life is too short to carry around hurt like a baggage. While you may not agree with your child’s choice of spouse, that is no reason for you to remain estranged from her year after year. We live in very difficult times and the fallout from COVID-19 has tripled the difficulty we face every day. Reach out to your loved ones, say what you have to say but continue to love and care for them.
