“I am planning to get married again soon and this time I want to wear a white wedding dress. Some people might want to say that I am big and all that but I want it. For me, it is important because it is what I always dream of.”
These are the words of a woman in her 40s, with adult children. It will be her second marriage, but for her it is like her first. I have known her for many years and in part I understand why she wants to have that ‘white dress’ marriage.
“It is not like I want a big wedding or anything. No, no, it is just that I want my white dress,” she stressed. “When I get married first it was just signing, no wedding dress, no nothing and looking back right now is like I was force to do it. I would say I was still a child and now this is me decision and I want to have the dress.
“If I could have do it all over again I would not get marry the first time. I telling you that is the truth. I don’t regret having my children but the man was never the husband for me. Never one day since I know he I never feel that he was the one for me, not one day. It is because of my parents I marry he and then before you know it, I was a parent too,” she said, shaking her head sadly.
“Sometimes I look back and I wonder what my life would have been like if I did just get to choose who I marry to. I did already drop out of school and I did know since then that the only plan for me was to get marry and start a family. That was just how things went back then in me village. But you know I thought I woulda be able to at least pick who I get marry to.
“I didn’t happy. I had like somebody but because me mother didn’t like he, that was it. I couldn’t choose. She believe that this other one, who did much bigger than me, had money and I woulda be well off. Well girl it never happen I punish and me children them punish too and to make things worse I didn’t even like that man.
“It wasn’t really his fault. Well I guess she did think that I was the one for he, but it was not so with me. And you know I used to tell he, but he want what he want and my mother, well she just force the thing through. Maybe I coulda say no, but back then it was not like you used to say no to your parents. I tell she that I did not like the man but she was like he will take care of you and that never happened.
“You think I could choose for me daughters?” she asked me.
I did not answer as I knew she did not expect me to.
“And I would not even try to. I had already say whoever they bring home that is it, that is who they choose. But I know that even if I had say no – and I never would – they would have take who they want take,” she continued after a pause.
“Because of how my mother like force me, my life was not really happy. Is like you pretend to be happy sometimes and yes when me children born and they healthy and so on I was happy but most times it was like what life I was living. I know that it was not going to last because as I get older is more and more I get to dislike this man. One day I just decide that this was it. I could not take it anymore and I walk out.
“Looking back it was a crazy thing, but it was like I had enough. I had no money, no place really to go but I know I just could not stay. So is me and me children and we gone. I think he thought I woulda just come back and to tell you the truth a lot of time I think about it because it was so hard but I hold out no, I not going back.
“It was not easy; the years [were] very hard and me children punish a lot. I had no real education and the little jobs I get it was not nothing much and it was really hard. Sometimes I would just want to give up and like want end it all but somehow I pull through. Me children struggle and grow up and today they all trying on them own. They don’t have it all, but they trying and as a mother I still here for them,” she further told me.
I asked her why she wanted to get married again.
“Well for me, this is my chance at love. It is not like I madly in love or anything. I comfortable with the man and I think we can grow old together. He ask me to marry and I say yes and I done tell he that I want me white dress. I want to give it a try. I try other people after me first husband but it didn’t work out and for a long time I was just alone. At times I used to feel that I was going mad because I was just barely surviving but is me children, you know, even though they big they would still look to me for help.
“And so that is how I was living. I would get a work here and there and just try to survive. Now I find somebody and he taking care of me and all I can hope is that it work out and that when we get marry we love and respect each other. For me, is more like respect each other. I not too big on this love thing because I don’t even know if we know what is love. But I am good with he and I can live with he so I would give it a try,” she answered.
As we parted I got the impression that this sister, some of whose troubles I became aware of in the many year I have known her, is finally in a place where she is comfortable. I can only wish her the best and that she can indeed grow old with that man she respects once all things go well.
