Almost five years ago when this column first appeared, it detailed a battered woman’s struggle with a system that was not friendly to women like her, and dealing with her abuser whose only intent was for her to return to their matrimonial home.
She had left her husband following physical abuse and he had approached the Probation and Welfare Office, but after the officer who summoned her learned that abuse was involved, she was advised to make a formal report. (Read her experience published in January 2017: https://www.stabroeknews.com/2017/01/29/sunday/battered-wifes-perplexing-experience/)
In a follow-up published on May 14 2017, this sister, who was given the pseudonym Mavis, said she was indecisive about reuniting with her husband, but it was obvious that was her intention. She did eventually reconcile with her husband, but it did not last. She left after just over a year.
It has been three years since she finally left; they divorced, and she got a job for the first time in her life. It has not been all peachy, but Mavis has resiliently been making a life for herself and her children.
“I can’t believe it is so long ago, three years, wow. Who coulda think I woulda lef dah man? It was as if without him there was no life for me,” Mavis told me recently.
“But look at me now, girl. I can’t remember the last day I look so good and how I feel inside, I don’t have to be frighten and suh no more is like it is a new me,” she said with a light laugh.
Mavis has been renting a home and, after being supported initially by a relative, today she cherishes her independence.
“It is like a new me. You know what it is to hold you own money, the money you work for? It is like sometimes I does can’t believe it. I collecting me pay and then buying what I want with it. Well not really buying what I want because I have to just try and buy food and pay the bills but you understand what ah trying to say. Me going and do dem things fuh me self, at first I use to had to pinch me self,” Mavis further told me.
“It was not easy. Well it still not easy. But at first it was more hard. You know, when you have to live with people and so. Some nights I use to cry me self to sleep but I did done say I not going back to that man so I just had to tek it until one day I could get me own place,” she shared.
I asked her if her ex-husband had attempted to reconcile with her.
“Well he de say how he want we to get back together fuh the children dem sake, but I know it coulda never happen. And even then, is not like he was coming and say you know I did wrong and I wouldn’t do it again. It was like he demanding that I must go back home. I was like, this man will never change. What I going back for? And I just say not me.
“At first, you know, I thought he might want attack me or something because you does see how women does dead sometimes. So, I was a lil frighten. But then I say I not going back with he. I don’t want to live a miserable life. Is bare miserableness I use to go through with dah man,” she answered.
“And you know quick time he move on. But me, I still here. No, I din find no man or nothing and I still not looking because like I just ain’t able. I is still a young woman, yes, but fuh right now I just want to get me self back together, or get me self together for the first time in me life.
“Now is just me and me children and it does be hard at times because sometimes to be honest I does feel like they ungrateful. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me children dem, but I just wish they could be like a lil more helpful. I does work almost every day and sometimes when I go home, nothing ain’t do de whole day. It does really vex me or sometimes I does really feel sad and cry.
“And you know when the COVID come and it was no school fuh dem, I was frighten to like lef dem alone home whole day. But I had to do it because we had to eat. Thank God I hold on to the lil job and then I had to fight and get internet so they could get schoolwork. It was not easy but you know I have to thank God through it all because I get a lil help here and there and at least we still alive. We have a roof over we head and we does eat,” she added.
I asked Mavis what advice she wanted to give to other women who might be experiencing abuse.
“Look, I must be the wrong person to give advice because look how much years I live with me husband and how he use to treat me. I went back with he and all dem things. But you know I would say lef deh man, he not changing. Maybe he would change fuh another woman but he not changing fuh you.
“But the thing is not easy to lef because if you don’t have nobody to help you then you really can’t mek it. I had me family, dem ain’t perfect but if you see dem didn’t help here and there and even today dem does still pitch in, if dem didn’t help, I don’t know what woulda become of me. I know I didn’t want go back with dah man but it must be dah I woulda had to do because if you have nowhere to live, how you gon leave?”
“To all women out there if you husband abusing you find a way to leave he. It make no sense you stay with he, none at all,” she continued.
I asked her about her future plans.
“Right now, I trying to see how I could get a piece of land and get me own lil house. This paying a rent really killing me. So, if it get anybody out there who want help me with a piece of land then I would be happy. That would be me joy. At least I would own something in life. Other than that is just working and trying to mek sure that all me children go right up to fifth form and dem go to school. Dah is all nothing more,” she said.
I asked if she would ever get married again.
“You never know,” she said laughing.
“But fuh now is me and me children. Leh me enjoy this freedom I have now. I ain’t really want no man in me life,” she further said.
I am so proud of Mavis and I am happy that I have kept in contact with her. Hers is a story of resilience and I can only pray that her dream of one day owning her own home becomes a reality. Something Mavis said stuck with me. Women need their families to pitch in if they are to leave abusive relationships. I know families have helped and the woman returned to her husband and then they in Guyanese colloquial terms ‘washed their hands’ of the issue.
In Mavis’s case she attempted to leave twice before finally being successful the third time. Her family helped her all three times. Let us help our relatives where we can. It is not for us to judge when is the right time for them to leave. If you can, just help.
In the meantime, let’s say power to Mavis!
