A sister recently went through a divorce. Below she writes about part of the experience and also gives some sound advice.
“Divorce is the death of a marriage. It’s one of the most traumatic experiences to live through. You feel like your world has been shattered and you will never be able to pick up the pieces.
“There is no rulebook on how to process all the emotions you feel. It is sometimes a very confusing place. There are so many questions with no answers. Society makes it even harder with the pressures and expectations that it places on people to deal with the emotions they feel, especially us woman.
“I think it is because of the way we are socialized as women to carry the burdens of our families and to protect the image of the family at all cost. So, when divorce happens, there is still an expectation for us to be quiet, to cover the shame, to carry the burden of the disintegration of the marital union. In many cases, the actions of men are justified or excused, and we hear people say ‘A man will be a man’ as though this is an acceptable reason for the shameless behaviour of men. We are even told that ‘many women have gone through this’ or ‘others have it worse,’ like we are somehow supposed to suck it up and endure what we feel.
“Too many times, women are blamed for the failure of the marriage. ‘It must be something that the woman did that caused the man to behave in the manner he did,’ or ‘she didn’t do something right,’ or ‘she wasn’t wife enough’ are some of the comments we hear from women just like us. Their first reaction is to defend the man’s actions because, of course, [they believe] a man should not be held accountable for his actions in our society. But if for one minute the tables were turned and a woman did some of the shameless acts that men do, would they be justified? Or course not. Women would be called all manner of derogatory names and crucified by the same society that justifies a man’s shameless behaviour.
“I recently, got divorced after being married for 10 years, even though the marriage was one of constant emotional and psychological abuse. I protected it with all I had because, of course, if I didn’t—what would society say? But my ex-husband cheated and impregnated his side chick and for 11 months after he lied to me. When I found out and decided I had enough and chose to divorce him, I was asked why I would do that. Many women have accepted an outside child. I was the [victim] but I was made to believe that I had to think of the shameless perverted man I was married to before I considered my own feelings.
“I decided to choose me and to rid him out of my life and was granted a divorce within two and a half months. Even then, women like myself looked at me with scorn as though I had done something wrong. The comments were ‘Why didn’t you try?’ ‘Why didn’t you fight for your marriage?’ But I have had to learn that it is okay to choose me, it is okay to choose my peace and happiness. When the useless man I was married to decide to make the decisions he made, he didn’t choose me or consider my feelings. No, he was selfish and his decisions hurt me. So why must I still consider him after all he had done?
“[There is an expectation that] we must somehow as women carry the shame of the actions of men as though we are the one that have done something wrong, we must protect their name despite their shameless behaviour… That is the expectation society places on us as women when we have not done the wrong. They turn the victim into a villain instead of encouraging women to stand up for themselves and not to accept less than they deserve.
“Ladies, it is not our shame to carry when a marriage falls apart, especially when a man has disrespected himself and wife either by cheating or some other shameless behaviour. Men are responsible for their choices and they should be the ones held accountable… It is their shame to carry, not ours. We really need a society where we train our men to be responsible human beings and we don’t make excuses for unacceptable behaviour from men. A woman is never responsible nor can she push a man to do anything he does not want to do; he is in control of his actions and his choices are a representation of who he is. As women, you don’t have to carry the burden of a man’s actions and you have a right to get up from the table when you are no longer being respected or valued. “Don’t let the unspoken pressures of society box you into taking blame for actions of men you have no control over, or making you feel less than a woman because you choose to stand up for yourself. Even though divorce is traumatic, learn to deal with your trauma in the healthiest way possible and heal. Healing is a roller coaster and there is no distinct way in which you heal, it is a different process for everyone. You alone get to decide how you heal, how you let go, how you move on. Whatever you need to do, do it for you because even after all you have experienced from this trauma, society will want to dictate how you must heal. If you must cry, scream, vent or complain, it’s your prerogative and no one else can carve out your healing journey. Don’t hold in the hurt because you feel ashamed — let it go because it is never yours to carry in the first place — and find support in family and friends that care about you. Build yourself, become a better version of the person you are now and continue to grow and glow. That is your best revenge.”
This sister is definitely on the path to healing and her advice is very apt. There is no doubt that she will become a better version of the woman she is today. Sisters there is nothing wrong with putting you first at times. Self-care is paramount if we want to really be of value to those around us. And if we have to let that man go, then go ahead, do it for you and do not live in fear of what people would say.
