“At times I sit down, and I cry because I don’t know what else to do. I know that I am not perfect, but I don’t think I am all that bad and so all I could do is cry because if I worry with it I might do something that I would regret..
“People does say being a mother is not easy; well I can testify to that. I am not a perfect woman or mother, but I love all my children but sometimes it does be so hard,” she said close to tears.
She is a mother of three in her mid-40s. All of her children are adults as she became a mother in her teen years. Life has always been a struggle, but in recent times the relationship with her children, more specifically one of them, has been the most painful for her.
“Sometimes I don’t know what else to do because the more I talk or try not to talk is a problem. But for me I know I not perfect but I not go see them doing wrong and say nothing. Especially now that they are mothers too I have to see that they do certain things when it come to my grandchildren.
“But they don’t like when you talk to them and then when I try they does twist things around like if I is the worst person, but the Lord know I does try,” she told me as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I does want tell them that I does wish my mother used to show me out certain things, maybe my life woulda be different and they own to because I wouldn’t have get child so fast. I didn’t ready for children but is just how the life goes when you meet a certain age in them places is time fuh marry and mek children.
“Now they turn mother early. That is not the life I did want for them but sometimes I does blame meself because I couldn’t give them a good life. We punish and all that so maybe they feel that was the best thing to do. But I woulda think because they punish and so on, they would want to try and build life first before, you know, you go and get children, but I guess they didn’t see it like that,” she continued.
She has two daughters and one son, and they are all parents.
“But is me and me big daughter that does really fall out because I don’t know why like sometimes I think I am not good enough or that I am only good when I can do something for her. I tell all me children, especially them girls, that I am not going to be a grandmother who they can just leave grandchildren with and go out and live life. I love me grandchildren and I would always be there for them but I not taking them over fully, they have mothers,” she said.
“So sometimes when me daughter like she can’t get she own way is like I is the worst mother ever and I no good and even though I know is not true it does really, really hurt me but I have to do what I have to do.
“She didn’t have the life I had because even though it was hard it was not as hard as when I was growing up and when I start getting children. It is not like I did want it happen, I was pushed to that and that is what I does want them to understand,” she said, almost a little angry now.
“People does think I dunce and don’t understand but I know I not perfect and I working on making me self better. I want to be there for my children, but I want them to understand that I is human too and I get feelings. They think they far more educated and so on than me but yet to me they does operate like they don’t have any sense.
“I not talking down or anything but sometimes, especially the big one, she does want act like I don’t have sense and I just deh here fuh she to use me because like life done for me. When I still feel better is in store for me and is not like I looking for a man or anything I just want to do better with me life. I want to do better that is all.
“I also want better for my children and that is why I does talk to them. Them don’t understand that I walk dah road, well not the same road, but I went through experience and I could tell them certain things. But me big daughter is like she can’t learn nothing from me and she not listening.
“And then on the other hand she want like use me and when I don’t allow her to do it is a problem. I just telling you this, I know it sound confusing, but I want to talk about it because people must understand that it is not easy out here sometimes for mothers.
“I believe sometimes we mothers, especially when we poor and you know we children didn’t have a good life, we does get blame wrongfully. But children does grow up and turn adults and most times in terms of education they got more than the mothers but yet is like they don’t learn.
“So, I want you to write that. Many times, we mothers does try but is like the children just want to use we. I tell you already that I not perfect and I not saying I does right all de time but my daughter sometimes I does believe that girl don’t have no love in she heart for me.
“But you know is me child and I would always love she. I not giving up on she, but I have to do certain things for me self. I don’t want she just think me life over and I must just live to help she out with the children and whatever else I could help she with. No, I still have a life and like I say I still have things I want to do in this life.”
We spoke some more, and she shared her life’s history with me. She was not exaggerating when she said that she did not have an easy life. She is a woman of faith and I know God is not done with her even as she faces the daily struggles in this life. I suggested that she seek some counselling and to suggest same to her daughter so that they can heal. She is considering it and as soon as she is ready I am going to arrange at least some initial therapy sessions for free.
