The thought of having children terrifies me and it has for as long as I could remember. I look at people who make the decision to have children spontaneously in absolute awe, wondering if I will ever be able to be with child with such glowing confidence.
Most of my fear stems from my obsessive/compulsive disorder which forces me to overthink even with rational considerations and actualities. People who suffer with OCD are in constant worse-case scenario mode. The thoughts that haunt me include whether I will remember to burp the baby after each feed, if the maternal instincts will kick in naturally or if I will resent my choice, if I will be able to model the best behaviour for my child or if my childhood trauma would replay itself in me.
These thoughts have kept me in a lock for years. The fear, no matter how much I rationalise and categorise its origin, still hovers; despite how much my clinical therapist reassures me that OCD moms are actually some of the most successful because they tend to naturally cover all the bases due to their complex and hyperactive worrying. I don’t wish OCD on my worst enemy.
Alongside this fear, there seems to be an additional element which multiplies it exponentially. Parenting in this era feels a bit more toxic because of the high level of digital exposure, making it impossible for many to not compare their parenting wins. It brings a new level to be unlocked and pressure that needs to be constantly managed and assessed. This digital exposure just doesn’t affect parents, who are always questioning their ability, but children too as their digital footprint becomes harder to manage.
It is not just worrying about the neighbour engaging in acts of violence with his or her family and your child managing to see, but exposure to all sorts of violence which is normalized 24/7 and how easy it is to have access to toxicity at the click of a button. It’s not just debriefing your parenting strategy, so your child understands the why and implications of actions, but constantly having to examine the behaviour of others and reassure him or her of the long-term ramifications.
It is constantly remembering that you too are flawed and that you will always need to leave room open for growth because the reality is that becoming parents does not actually mean we will automatically have all the answers within us. We are nothing but a culmination of all our life experiences both good and bad and this influences our parenting ability despite who we are.
I thought long and hard this week again about retired chancellor of the judiciary Justice Carl Singh and his apology to Woman Constable Shawnette Bollers for his son’s alleged callous and racist behaviour. I thought about the implications of how we parent and teach accountability even when these lessons are uncomfortable for all parties involved. I thought about how we both consciously and unconsciously teach power dynamics to our children. I thought about the pressure parents face when they are caught in the triangulation of how we ended up here, how did I possibly influence this behaviour and how will I show care but at the same time discipline.
I too thought about what I would do. Probably call my therapist filled with shame, frantically crying, telling her much how much I regret this and knew this was going to happen before I reach the rational stage.
The reality is that we must move away from the idea that there is a rule book and set strategy to raise an ideal child. Ideal children do not exist and never will. We must move away from anticipating that our children’s needs are the same as ours. We must move away from wanting our children to view us as demigods, who are incapable of wrongdoing. We must openly embrace honesty and accountability for anything else is counterproductive and meaningless. We must raise children who are comfortable and brave enough to challenge us even when it makes us uncomfortable for it is a chance for all to all grow and we can only do that if we are honest about our fears, hopes and joy. Today I leave you two of my favourite parenting quotes:
“There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent. So just be a real one.” – Sue Atkins
“Parenting is a mirror in which we get to see the best of ourselves, and the worst; the richest moments of living, and the most frightening.” – Myla and Jon Kabat Zinn
