As much as I have gone on in the past about the importance of putting boundaries in place to protect one’s mental state, for the first time ever, two weeks ago, the opportunity presented itself where I had to be explicit about them. Liberating is an understatement for how it felt. While we murmur to ourselves about our anticipated actions, I suppose it will always feel different from constantly playing our hypothetical circumstances in our minds when the situation actually presents itself.
When you are in a calm and sober mood is probably the best head space to formulate the mental establishment of boundaries. You are always in a better position to reflect on how the reality of a situation made you feel and cross-examine strategies to address said situation appropriately, as not every situation requires boundaries. Some require discourse and accountability and for those where such can’t be achieved, boundaries must be established.
What is hardly ever spoken about though, is the slight feeling of guilt and selfishness you tend to experience. Boundaries aren’t easy to establish, especially if you have remained accessible for the most part in a relationship. Fear hovers over you constantly as to whether or not you are overreacting and implementation can sometimes feel like a deliberate attempt to ruin the relationship.
Remembering how situations made you feel is also another key factor to be mindful of when enforcing your boundaries. We don’t live in an ideal world where people tend to keep their word. The harsh reality is that sometimes people’s own internal struggles keep them from seeing their shortcomings and as much as there may be promises to change, we must acknowledge that there are often two persons in every situation in that one body: the person we know and the person who we wish they would be.
I often try to remind myself of the situation, not because I am addicted to trauma, but because once there was emotional damage caused by the same person during the relationship, that pain, however it goes and comes from your memory, is still quite real. The mentally exhausting process of remembering how something felt also serves as a reminder of the emotional labour involved should you feel like lowering your boundaries.
Boundaries are hard to maintain and establish especially when the application is meant for those who are close to you. As liberating as it may feel, parts of it also feel awful, but continuous use almost helps to re-programme when and how you share your energies. Boundaries also act as filters, as those who see them as threats indeed have never had any respect for your feelings in the first place.
Whether enforcing or establishing boundaries, this is one skill that calls for practice and patience.
