“Is the same feeling, you know that anxious feeling. You does call it anxiety, well that is what happening right now. It will pass man, but you know is how a feeling man, you know…”
That was what a voice note from a close acquaintance who I had not heard from for a few days. I know whenever I don’t hear from her something might be up, so I messaged her and asked how she was doing. By the end of the voice note, her voice cracked, and I knew there were tears. I asked her if she could pin down the reason for her feelings or if she was just in a funk – as a close friend of mine would be the same from time to time.
She did not answer for a while and I debated whether I should call. In the end I called and after a few rings she answered the phone.
“Man, wah a guh tell you? Is just this feeling. I like don’t even want come out me bed. You know how I like me bed,” she said mustering a small laugh.
I did not answer but waited for her to continue.
“I does get over it, you know, but this time is something more. You know the situation I had before? Well it kind a come back. Like I know what I have to do but is like I studying if I could give it another try. I know it not right for me, but he come back, and I don’t know what to do. Well I know…,” she trailed off.
The situation she referred to was a relationship she had ended a while ago. She did not go into details with me about what caused her to terminate the relationship, but she had told me it was something she had to do.
“I just know it is not right for me because I not happy and you does always tell me how peace of mind is important, and I didn’t getting no peace. This man ain’t use to beat me or nothing but is how he used to treat,” she had told me once. “I read up about some of the things he used to do to me, and I know he is a narcissistic person. I know is that because I read up and some of the things dey talk about is exactly what he used to do.”
According to an entry on the Mayo Clinic website, narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
“A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favours or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them,” the entry states.
Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centres around talk therapy (psychotherapy).
This sister’s former partner was not professionally diagnosed but based on her observation she believed it was enough for her to cut ties with him. However, months later she once again allowed him to get close to her.
“Look, I don’t text he or call he, but when he call or text I does answer. I tell he I trying to live a different life and now he say he want marry me. He know is something I did want so long, but now he telling me and to tell you de truth I tempted because I saying to me self at me age who will want marry me after this,” she said.
“So this thing just get me you know in a state I just lie down and like I ain’t want get up. I just trying to get up and bathe and so but like I don’t want eat, is just the feeling.”
I asked her if the man admitted he had a problem and was willing to get help.
“Problem? He say how he didn’t do me nothing, how I just get up and walk out on he and now he need me, and I must come back. He say he live all he life like this and he dead wife or any of he other women never had a problem with he. He say I must be listening to people,” she answered.
“But is not nobody tell me nothing because when I was with he, I hardly use to talk to nobody, but I had data on me phone. I used to ask me children to put credit on me phone and I always had data. And is just so you know I start reading up. I used to be crying so much and I want know why a big woman like me must be going through them things. I don’t have any children to mind or anything,” the 45-year-old sister said.
I gently told her that she knew the answers to all the questions in her head and that there was no need for her to be anxious as she knew what she had to do.
“I know what you saying. I know in me mind already that I can’t go back with this man because he ain’t change. Well he say he don’t have a problem, but I don’t know why this anxious feeling does come over me…,” she said close to tears.
This sister can be bubbly at one moment and the next she is quiet and sad. She does not like crowds and getting her to go out is usually a huge task. She goes to church and is now allowing herself to be involved in some activities but shies away from so much.
“You know me and me bed,” she told me with a laugh when I invited her out once.
“I don’t like too much a crowd and I like being by myself,” she said to me another time.
I am no psychologist, but I know enough to know that it is more than the sister just “liking my bed”. Sometimes she would call me and we would talk sometimes for an hour or two. I try to make the time to listen because I know she needs to be heard. She has had a very difficult life and I have encouraged her to seek counselling.
“Look the counsellors and all not confidential and talking to you is enough. I know Jesus and I know that it will get better. I just need some time. You ain’t see I coming out sometimes? Man it would get better,” she once said.
But back to our recent conversation.
I encouraged her to cut all ties with the man and not to answer his calls or texts because she would be sending mixed signals.
“You right, I have to just done it. I can’t see things in the day and then want get firewood to see it in de night. Me mind clearer now. I know what I have to do. You see I does always feel better when I talk to you. I not saying that I getting out of me bed right now…,” she said, laughing a little.
We ended that conversation, but I know there will be many more in the future.
Anxiety is an issue faced by many. We all have anxious spells at times. For women it can be bad at times especially as we get older; we maybe premenopausal. There is no one reason for anxiety and sometimes we are not even sure how to describe what we are feeling. We need to normalize talking about anxiety and admitting that we experience it, as I believe talking about it will help others who are afraid to accept that they might have an issue.
According to the Mayo Clinic, experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. But there are people with anxiety disorders who frequently have intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks).
“These feelings of anxiety and panic interfere with daily activities, are difficult to control, are out of proportion to the actual danger and can last a long time. You may avoid places or situations to prevent these feelings. Symptoms may start during childhood or the teen years and continue into adulthood,” it stated.
Signs and symptoms of anxiety include:
• Feeling restless, wound-up, or
on-edge
• Being easily fatigued
• Having difficulty concentrating
• Being irritable
• Having headaches, muscle aches, stomachaches, or unexplained
pains
• Difficulty controlling feelings of worry
• Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Having a sense of impending danger panic or doom
• Having an increased heart rate
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling weak or tired
• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other that the
present worry.
There’s no quick fix for anxiety, and it may often feel like an uphill struggle. But by gaining awareness of what causes your symptoms, and getting help from your doctor, you can manage your symptoms.
You can help yourself if you:
• Avoid caffeine
• Avoid alcohol
• Write about it
• Use fragrance
• Talk to someone who gets it
• Find a mantra
• Drink water
• Walk
• Have some alone time
• Have a bath
• Turn off your phone
• Eat something
Sisters normalize your anxiety and talk about it. You will feel better. Don’t retreat from the world, try as much to continue with your everyday life. But if you need some alone time, take it.
