The overshadowing of someone else’s feelings whether consciously or unconsciously with the concept of luring the other party to be optimistic is called toxic positivity. One would never imagine the words toxic and positivity going hand in hand because culturally it has been ingrained in most of us that to discuss unpleasant feelings is either bad manners or/and a sign of weakness.
‘You are a “negaholic”,’ ‘why not find one good thing to say,’ ‘look on the bright side’ are statements and remarks we have all heard or used ourselves when we or someone else echoed sentiments that made us or others uncomfortable. Whether we were trying to run away from feeling bad or trying to get the other person to view things from our perspective, such behaviour can be damaging.
When people typically express their disgust or frustration at a situation, more than likely they have reached breaking point and mustered up the courage to speak. When we flood them with toxic positivity this is essentially what we are doing:
Overriding and dehumanising them
We are assuming and quantifying their pain when we impose toxic positivity. We are essentially either telling them that they aren’t strong enough and or unworthy enough to be acknowledged as a human with legitimate feelings.
Shame and guilt
We are removing them from safe spaces that they may have felt comfortable in, along with making it hard for them to ever open up again. Because of the power dynamics involved, when disheartened people approach a person who seems settled and trustworthy, that can influence them into feeling even more terrible because they are viewing the other party from a position of superior happiness.
Toxic positivity is everywhere. From everyone’s ear-to-ear smiling photographs on Instagram, the daily positive affirmations and positive vibes only hashtags, it’s not hard to see why we can’t shake this toxic culture that makes room for no other emotion. We are bombarded and pressured into feeling good and saying we are feeling good.
While changing our mindset will take more time, perhaps we should all try changing how we respond to not so pleasant stories. Instead of responding with, ‘things could be worse,’ ‘at least x, y or z didn’t happen’ try opening with ‘that must be really hard’ or ‘your feelings are valid’. Make it a practice not to compare situations or provide alternatives to how the person should have handled their situation because it really isn’t about you. However well-intentioned such remarks and statements are, they instantly dismiss the other person’s feelings and put your feelings in the spotlight. A person can feel more than one way about something. It’s not your place to police them into sticking to whatever you believe they should be feeling.
With everything going on in the world right now (insane temperatures, inflation, rising food costs etc) this is the worst time to tell people ‘look on the bright side,’ instead just hear them out even if their problem isn’t necessarily a problem for you.
