Managing relationships can be rocky particularly when they involve more than two parties. Marriages often fit into this complex web as they don’t just bring two people together, but two families, along with each person’s own relationship dynamics with either the husband or the wife.
While the richness of having big families lends itself to support, guidance and wisdom, it is not short on natural chaos and conflict. Differences over childcare assistance, financial help, parenting styles, and family traditions among other things all tend to take centre stage when these unions are formed and swell with children in tow. Some marriages, like mine, tend to sometimes not reveal the full extent of how complex these relationships can get either because parties live far from each other, do not speak the same language, or there is an undeniable effort to ensure these relations are accommodating as possible because one partner doesn’t have the same close family ties as the other.
I tick all the boxes above and I am reminded of this every time that I visit my in laws. While I remain grateful for a smooth sailing relationship, if I am to be honest every visit carries a particular sadness and envy that I can’t seem to shake. I am reminded constantly that what my husband has, I don’t. The mind sometimes searches for constant signs of reassurance that I too belong here and am very much so deserving of the love and ease that I am showered with. Inching up to seven years of marriage, this is what works well for managing my second family relationships:
Independent traditions
Traditions are so important and they leave so much nostalgia in the air when you are away from loved ones. My husband and I don’t have the exact religious beliefs even though we are both Christians. Our religious calendars are different, which usually results in us celebrating two Easter holidays and two Christmas holidays. Whatever your independent traditions are prior to your marriage, ensure that some form of them remain with you. It is up to each partner to bring each side of their family up to speed on the importance of these traditions. Shifting to one person’s way of doing things leaves room for isolation and bitterness.
Comparison
Comparison is the thief of joy. Each family will indefinitely have varying life circumstances and sometimes they are ugly; but even in their ugliness there still remains a particular longing for improvement. However complex and distressing, leave it up to your partner and your partner only to be overtly annoyed by it. Even when well intentioned, sometimes using language that harms could feel like an attack on them and there is no reason to out a person when they are already in a position of distress
Highlight the highs
Be intentional when it comes to pointing out similarities and things you like. Coming from a different family and culture can make it feel like there is a culture war simmering. Highlighting what you enjoy shows respect and it gives them a fair chance to learn about you. Most people tend to have misconceptions and stereotypes lingering in the backs of their minds, both consciously and unconsciously. Opening with words and a sense of directness breaks the ice in a way where being vulnerable establishes its own trust.
