Perhaps we are tired of the accounts of Guyanese women who have been murdered by the hands of the men they loved. Perhaps the collective madness of men who commit these violent acts has subliminally affected us all. Many are certainly desensitized but perhaps that desensitization is also a saving grace. Yes, we will talk about events immediately after they have occurred, but like an echo the outrage soon fades, and we move on to the next distraction or calamity. Our collective peace is fleeting as we are caught up in the noise of a crying nation and to feel it all too many will become the faces of unsound minds. We must be deliberate about our personal peace, which saves us from that place where we are dismembered spiritually and emotionally and cannot be made whole again. In that place, we may believe that we have no control and that we must accept that this is just the way things are – that some Guyanese men beat, maim, and murder Guyanese women. And in that place, we may also believe that our voices or actions will not make a difference. And we may imagine that time is an illusion for we cannot bear to face how long it has been since these crimes have been common and haunting us. So, whether decades pass between the murders of Monica Reece, Neesa Gopaul, Kescia Branche and Tacina Dazzell, in that place where we stop feeling, nothing shifts in our consciousness to emphasize that violence against women has long passed crisis mode in Guyana, and that all hands-on deck are needed to begin to curb and eventually end it.
I thought about the recent news of Neesa Gopaul’s stepfather’s freedom and her mother’s reduced sentence as I thought about writing this piece this week. I questioned, how often do murdered Guyanese girls and women get justice?
I also read in horror about how there were sixteen stab wounds on Tacina Dazzell’s body, and I thought, what can I say that has not already been said when writing about violence against women? What new could I write even if it makes a little impact in motivating the nation to act? Should I write again about what has already been written? Would it be again relaying how dreadful the case of Tacina Dazzell is and how abusive men need to find a way to quiet the nefarious spirit that dwells in them and stop the cycle of abuse. But as my mind was busy with these thoughts, I was reminded that I must be quiet and observe my thinking and that the stories of Guyanese women cannot be told too often. Every woman that dies deserves as much attention being brought to her story.
Tacina Dazzell wanted to leave. In the voice-note that was circulated we listened to how calmly she spoke about recognising the characteristics of a narcissist. We heard her making plans to seek employment and to escape from her abuser. And had she gotten the chance to escape, we would have cheered that she found the courage to leave. For it is what we tell women – to leave at the first sign of abuse even though for many of them, it is not so simple and in Tacina Dazzell’s case she did not get the chance.
As I continued to ponder on writing this piece, I thought that along with a call to action, I could also compose a simple message to abusive men even though I am no expert on the subject.
Abusive men, I will not pretend that I can fully comprehend your reasons for being abusive and there are many other Guyanese who also cannot empathize with you. We understand that you were raised in a society that endorses violence. It is inflicted on children, like it has no effect on them, in the name of discipline. But we know that with knowledge and recognizing the power that lies within, we do not have to repeat the mistakes of our ancestors or our living elders. We have the power to stop the violence.
Abusive men, whether in your minds you justify your actions of controlling the women in your lives by isolating, degrading, or beating them, there is nothing to be excused. We understand that some of you may have learned from your fathers, uncles, or other male influences that to love a woman is to beat and control her, but it is time to reevaluate your way of thinking. Why do you continue to foster an environment where there will not be peace in your life or in the life of your spouse? How can you say that you are functioning on a level of sanity when your ego continues to fuel the chaos in your mind that controls your actions? We hear excuses about what women do to anger you – whether you accuse them of infidelity or also abusing you, we have heard your excuses and we still know that the path of walking away is open and free.
Abusive men, we know that you cannot be truly happy being the abuser just like the abused cannot be truly happy. You may think that as a man, it is your way of life to be cold, selfish, and cruel, but just imagine if you would take those veils off your eyes. If, for a time, you could tune into the frequency of what a good man looks like and what he does. They exist and some of you abusive men call them “soft” or “weak”. But good men are not soft or weak. They practice self-control, they are patient, they are kind, they are understanding, and they know how to love. Good men do not beat women. Good men do not kill women.
Abusive men, evaluate the misery that encompasses your lives. Know that you are not in control when you raise your hands to hit women. You destroy generations because of your actions; you are cowards, and you shame and hurt your children.
The man who can live with his woman, see past her flaws, solve situations calmly and know if a time comes that she wants to be free he will let her go, is the one we will honour in this society. And to the ones who are like Quincy Roach but have not bloodied their hands with the life of their spouse, there is still time. He could not get to a place of silence to look at himself, to stop himself and to save the life of his spouse, but you can.
We cannot tell the stories of murdered Guyanese women too often and we also cannot tell our men too often that they need to stop. We cannot accept that this is just the way some of our men are and that they cannot control and stop themselves from hurting our women. Whatever our abusive men need to do – seek therapy, leave the relationship, connect with the divine to learn how to honour and love their women and accept that they should stand at their sides and not behind them, the time is now.
