“If I could turn back the hands of time, I would not be married to the same man. It is not that I don’t love him or that he treats me really bad, but what we don’t realise as women is most times when we marry a man we are also married to their family.
“This is not something I would discuss with me husband because I know he would feel bad, but that is how I feel right now. I don’t feel so all the time, so I am venting to you. I just want to vent because it is too much.”
There was frustration in the voice of this married mother of three as she spoke to me recently. We were just having a casual conversation and it somehow got to us discussing marriage. When I told her I wanted to use part of the conversation in this space she was sceptical and begged that I ensure that nothing could identify her.
“I love my husband,” she told me repeatedly. “But it is his family, well some of his family that I just can’t understand.”
I indicated to her that she, her husband and children are the family and the others are his relatives.
“Well girl that might be true, but they are still the man’s family just as how my mother and sisters and so on are my family too,” she answered.
“I really thought this thing would have worked out well because I am somebody who will bend over backward just to ensure that there is no conflict. I hate conflicts, but is like nothing I do is good enough for them. And what hurt more is that his mother is one of them and I just have to try because is the man’s mother,” she continued.
“Is like if I call is a problem. If I don’t call is a problem. She come by the house is a problem. I don’t go is a problem. It is just like this woman don’t like me for her son. I have three children for him but like who cares,” she said sadly.
I asked her if she had ever broached the issue with the woman or her husband because for me that is the first line of addressing it.
“At first, no. I was like, I could try and do things differently because I know how important a mother is to anyone. So I was like I would just do what is right and things would fall into place. But after all these years, it is nothing. Is not that we does get any big cursing out or so, but you know when somebody don’t like you and I don’t know why,” she said.
“In the early days, after like a few months I went and try to talk to this woman and that was after she came by us and like basically, not openly, criticised how I had the house and this thing really got to me.
“So I was like asking her what is the issue she had with me. Not in those words but something like that. This woman coldly told me that I couldn’t be talking to her and that I should have respect for my husband’s mother. She just walked away and leave me standing feeling stupid.
“You would not believe how stupid I felt and how much I cried. I didn’t say anything to my husband and he just tell me that I was overreacting and that he didn’t see anything wrong with what his mother did. So you know from then on I just try to stay in me corner. Sometimes his sisters would come by me and is like they had no respect for me as being the woman of the house.
“When I go by them they would like ignore me and it was just them and their brother and when I start making children it didn’t really make a difference. With my first child, it is a boy, and it was like this woman wanted to take over my child. It was like if she wanted to give us space, well that is what she said, but it made me feel like she want to take over my child. And I had to put my foot down and that like make things worse.
“Now I have three and they try but my children is not so involved like the other grandchildren and I know it is because of me. And still like my husband not seeing it, the children would ask me why this and why that. I don’t want to get too specific because you know I don’t want people knowing is me. But I would tell them to ask daddy and they wouldn’t.”
She paused for a while before she continued speaking.
“Sometimes it does just get to me and you know I don’t want my husband to represent me or anything but I just wish he would see things from my side. Like he does not have any issues with my side of the family because they treat him with respect but I don’t get that from his family. Is like every time I am in their company I feel so disrespected,” she said.
“That is why I said I would want to marry another man because for me you can’t separate a man from his mother, well it does not look so here. And he is not putting me first, he is trying to like say he is putting us equal but it is not that way and it is obvious. He consults his mother on every single thing and on things he don’t even tell me and that hurts. So for me while he treats me fairly okay and he is a good provider I don’t feel like his wife at times. I feel disrespected by him, not openly, but you know by what he does and says sometimes.”
We spoke for a while and in the end she concluded that her marriage would survive if only for her children.
“It is not that I am very unhappy or that he is abusive or anything. So I would not want to do that to my children. They adore their father and he loves them. So, I guess I just have to suck it up and do what needs to be done. It seems he would never see things from my side and that is just the reality. That is life…,” she trailed off.
I suppose we can just agree with her because there are so many complexities when we get married. It is two families coming together and many times it just does not gel, so to speak. The most we can do is focus on building a lasting relationship with our spouses and ultimately build our families. Once the in-laws are not overly intrusive, or disrespectful or abusive we just have to find ways to work around the differences. There are no perfect scenarios and while some of us are fortunate to have really good mother-in-laws and in-laws in general (I am happy to report that I am one) others just have to make it work. As they say, sisters just buckle up and do what needs to be done.
