By Vidyaratha Kissoon
Vidyaratha Kissoon lives and works in Guyana. He witnessed men and women talk about the ‘nice’ man who killed his wife and the other men who wanted to slap up an older woman. He wrote about the experiences as he could not do anything else.
Editor’s Note: On December 15, a letter in the Stabroek News from Natalia Surujnauth called for us to keep saying the names of all of the women who have been killed as a result of domestic violence. This week’s column is dedicated to them, and we say the names here of those lost just this year who Ms. Surujnauth listed (there was one more name since her letter): Loretta Simon- 24, Vanna Girod- 30, Lauren Smith-Fields- 23, Savitri Raj- 57, Shenese Walks-19, Waynurnattie Permaul- 53, Deissy Anthony Perdomo- 49, Omega Ault- 41, Miriam Edwards- 25, Agnes Dillon- 86, Donalesa Park- 29, Cindy Ramchandar- 25, Tasina Dazzle- 28, Nirmala Sukhai- 33, Analee Gonsalves- 20, Sharon Scott- 53, Oma Devi Virasamy- 30, Kelly Charlotte- 22, Asasha Ramzan-Charles -31.
Man talk
The conductor of Indian origin shouts “Kitty” and I jump in front seat, say ‘morning’ to young driver of African origin. I note the ethnic origins since the minibus seems to be a place like the PPP and the PNC where men, descended from the enslaved Africans and indentured Indians, work together in harmony and love.
Commotion at the back as the conductor tries to full the bus and asks a woman, an older woman, to move to another seat.
The woman refuses, the commotion escalates with the conductor shouting about how this ‘big woman want mek problems.’
My neck is hurting so I do not turn back to see but I listen. The driver is muttering next to me, eyes on the road, ears at the back.
The woman and conductor shouting at each other, people in the bus muttering, laughing at some of the woman’s insults, and comments about how ‘like she need spice.’
The woman reaches her stop. She gives the conductor more words and the bus fare.
The driver and the conductor have the woman in their minds, even as she is no longer in the bus.
The young descendant of the enslaved African is angry for his jahajee bredren.. giving the young man some of the other insults he could have used: … ‘you doan wan disrespeck big woman but she … want two slap and .. “yeah.. is that what she want ‘ and more manly wisdom exchanged.
Passengers muttering
Like a fool, I telling the driver…nah…you could back down, you ain’t gotta get lower in the gutter…
Driver says to me ‘I got a friend who does seh doan tek no … from no woman, he would ah done knack she …..”
‘It gun always gat killing’
I say…yeah…knack got knack back den wah.. and the driver tells me “yeah dat is why de killing gun continue, it gun always gat killing.”
The driver and conductor sound like the PPP MP and leader Bheri Ramsaran who wanted to slap and strip a woman who tried to hold him accountable. Other MPs and politicians, abusing women and talking about wanting to abuse women because no one would do them anything.
The driver talking and cussing as he avoids hitting a pickup which is trying to jump a light…the latent violence in him is also on the Christmas road.
The conductor in the back keeps cussing up the woman who is no longer on the bus, while taking on passengers and dropping off passengers. Performing normally as so many men do while thinking about harming women and girls.
Baby I want that number
The driver then sees a girl with a phone in her hand and stops the bus to lean out of the window.. ‘baby I want that number, I want that number…” There is something in his voice where the earlier rage at the older woman is mixing with the desire for the girl, a desire which has the violence present.
I say nothing, because there is nothing to say here to a man who is doing what many men do and think is normal. Plus I don’t want the driver to crash while he cusses me for being an anti-man to challenge his male right to tell any woman or girl what he pleases.
The very same day this is happening in the minibus, December 16, a newspaper reports that in the Magistrate’s Court another man brought up on robbery charges promises to kill a woman ‘when he comes out of jail.’
Other men have done that: go to court, and jail, and come out and fulfilled promises to beat and kill the women who ‘wronged them.’ There is no punishment for threats like this though, no reports of whether the Chief Magistrate ordered the man to go seek fellowship and counselling with the newly formed Men on Mission, the Men’s Affairs Bureau, or the other organisations that help men.
And two days before the robbery suspect threatened to kill a woman in court, and the bus driver and conductor wanted to slap up a woman, a man described as ‘nice’ by many killed his wife before killing himself.
Nice men
My social media friends posted a whole set of shock and condolences, expressing their disbelief, about the young man who was a nice helpful sociable man who was kind to many other people.
There are hints of ‘she mussee do something fuh mek he do duh.’ A few years ago, another young man had used his licensed weapon to kill a woman. Also a ‘nice man.’ Different ethnic origins, same behaviour.
Other nice polite men, helpful men, powerful men are abusers, but people still vote for them, put them as the leaders. There are Ministers and politicians and church leaders and business leaders and entertainers and activists for democracy and so on.
Some of the ‘nice men’ were even joining President Ali’s Men on Mission.
The University of Guyana hosted a forum on 2 December, 2022 as part of their activities for 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence. The theme was Guyanese Men Can: Disrupt Tolerance for Violence’.
UG asked the panel to answer questions about the role men can play in ending violence and gender based violence in society; about whether men can disrupt widespread tolerance for the violence and change the religious views and other cultural aspects which make the driver, the conductor, the politicians and others think is okay to abuse women.
The answers came from what I have learned so far.
Guyanese men can
A woman told me after a phone conversation that I reminded her of an abusive ex-boyfriend. I was not aware that I wanted to be abusive or violent. She offered me opportunities for redemption which I did not take. A man I loved who I think is not afraid of anyone also told me he was afraid of me after some disagreements. He had resumed contact, said he was no longer afraid, then broke off contact after saying he was afraid again.
I am concerned about gender-based violence and domestic violence. I accepted that my behaviour was abusive to the woman and to the man.
I have learned to be open to feedback about my behaviour. I stopped drinking liquor when women spoke about the connection between liquor and the violence they experienced, and I realised that my participation in Guyana’s liquor culture, even if I did not become a violent drunk, contributes to the problem.
Other Guyanese men have been checking themselves, speaking out, getting help. We can’t ask other men to do what we are not doing.
Listening to women, survivors, and giving space
As they tell their stories, many survivors are told that they are liars, that the nice men, popular men, are not bad. Many of us, though, have listened and heard.
Many Guyanese men do not harass women or men on the road. But far too many of us are silent when we hear it happening, accepting it as normal unless we know the woman or girl who is the target of the harassment. Or like me, staying silent and not wanting to crash while arguing with the bus driver.
Many of us men are surprised when we hear that women and girls do not think sexual harassment is a compliment.
Pulling up your bredren
A lot of us men don’t like to be told what to do, and realise that pulling up our bredren is an occasion for a fight. But we have to find ways of talking to men, ‘nice men’ and other men, about violence, trauma, getting help, healing.
Men have been killing their drinking buddies and beating up their friends after ‘arguments.’ One man told me about having to end his friendship with a brilliant popular man after he realised that man was abusive to his wife and children. The man said that even as the brilliant abuser had explained ‘his side’ of the story, he realised that the man was manipulative.
So it is a risk to pull up your bredren.
And there is a risk of not doing anything when the bredren then falls down and pulls others down with them.
Accountability
In addition to personal accountability, there is the political – recognising that men abuse women in a system which has tolerated that the masculine must be more powerful and dominant than anything else which is not masculine.
Accountability is important for all us, and means understanding our histories of colonisation , of watching how men in suits run things (with women who also want to be like them), of destroying the earth and the environment as a way of conquest. The Men Engage Alliance at https://menengage.org/ has resources for men to understand what we have to do.
Connection
The Caribbean Family Planning Affiliation (https://caribbeanfamilyplanning.com/) conducted research with men in St Lucia and St Vincent and the Grenadines about gender-based violence. The research found that many men” believe that GBV is solely or primarily a “women’s problem”, do not feel connected enough to the issue to take action against it, especially if they may be harmed, and are unwilling to extend themselves to assist strangers.”
But so many of us like the bus driver with his friend who knocks women who speak back, and the people who voted for the Minister who wants to slap and strip a woman, and the people who mourn the nice, polite guy who shot his wife last week, we connect to the masculine power as we fear our own powerlessness.
Transforming cultures
Some men have joined with women to challenge the religious views which uphold sexism. There are resources like “A Biblical Response to end Domestic Abuse.” published by the Christian Network to End Domestic Abuse at https://women.worldea.org/cneda/ . Other men are checking media and advertising.
Other men have stopped beating children and have called for others to stop beating children as a form of violence.
Men who have experienced abuse and violence from other men, from women, from their communities, need support to heal. The men who want to have ‘baby number’ while wanting to beat women cannot be left alone.
So in addition to healing the abusers, we have to transform the culture which makes it good for ‘nice men’ to abuse women and children, and for other ‘nice people’ to seek to control or dominate others.