“It really hurts and sometimes I am drained and overwhelmed because I am tired of the accusations. I am tired of being made to feel at times I am less than. Sometimes I am just tired…”
As she trailed off I could see tears glistening in her eyes; this mother who has been married for a while, but from time to time faces the suspicions of an insecure husband.
“It is not that I have given him anything to be suspicious about, but it is like he is always looking for something and always accusing me of wanting to make him look shame. If it is not that my clothes is not appropriate; it is me being too friendly with a mutual friend. It is just anything really,” she said, sounding very frustrated.
As this sister spoke I was somewhat shocked because looking in from the outside, I would never have guessed that was a reality in her marriage. I knew it took a lot for her to really open up to me and as I listened I felt sad because I know she deserves much better than she has been receiving. A more dedicated mother and wife you cannot find.
“We are open to a certain extent. So we have access to each other’s phones and to be honest I don’t even have the time to go through his phone.
It is not just me but he would find ways and if he see sometimes that he does not like, he would make a big thing about it,” she explained.
“Sometimes I would give in and I would try to explain and I would cry and I would pray just so that this man would understand that my focus is on God and family but it can be hard. “I told him once that he made me feel as if I am a whore because even though I am not doing anything his accusations does that to me and it is not a good feeling.”
This is a woman who always appears well put together and usually has a word of sound advice to give, I just could not believe what I was hearing from her. I asked her if she had considered counselling.
“Well maybe years ago initially, but I never got around to it,” she answered. “I always worked on ways to deal with it and even try to help him at times because I believed that was what was needed. You see, I am a woman of God. And I believe He works all things out if we put it in His hands.
So I have been fighting this issue and any other issue on my knees talking to God.”
I then asked her, not so bluntly, why she was talking to me. “God made us humans to depend on each other and I feel comfortable talking to you, so I am sharing. I know that talking does help.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with counselling but it is just that I have not gone down that route,” she said. I asked her if her husband has ever been physically abusive.
“No!” she answered loudly almost as if she was shocked that I would have the audacity to ask such a question.
“He would not dare think about doing something like that. Look, I love my husband and he has been a relatively good man but it is just that he is so jealous at times and I don’t know for what reason because everything I do I try to involve him or he knows that I am doing it for my family.
“But I know enough to know that his behaviour can be termed as psychological or emotional abuse because what he is doing really wear me down mentally and emotionally.”
I then asked if she ever thought about calling it quits.
“Like any human being that crossed my mind but I have children and as I said I do love my husband. I believe he loves me. So while sometimes I thought about leaving it was not a serious thought because I want my marriage to work,” she further told me.
“But I am getting tired of the accusations and I have reached my end. Because if after all these years and I never gave him anything to be suspicious about and he still not trusting me well I don’t know what else. So I told him I have had enough and he needs to stop,” she said this as if she really believed it.
I told her I didn’t think he would stop just because she said so, as I am sure she uttered those same words in the past.
She paused for a while before responding.
“Maybe, maybe not…,” she said trailing off.
“But you know what, even if he doesn’t know it, I know when I said so I meant it. And what I plan to start doing is ignoring him and praying more. I am going to stop having those long drawn out conversations over insignificant things. I am not entertaining him any longer,” she continued.
“You know looking back I believe it is because I entertained him that he continued for so long. I will allow him to stew in his corner if he likes even if sometimes I may be upset he would never know. I will be changing course this year and it is either he gets with it or he makes himself extremely unhappy.
“I am at the point in life where I am a big woman and he has to know the last thing I would think about is being unfaithful. I am going to be focusing on other things because there is so much to do and he wants us to waste energy on nonsense. Well not this year,” she said emphatically.
I heard the sister and my only wish is that she sticks to the course she outlined. It is not going to be easy and I told her and she agreed but she seemed convinced that it will work.
There are so many battles we as women fight and it could never be easy. We may just have to stop fighting some of them, say the war has been lost or won and move on. Even if it is lost, we still have to move on as we have the opportunity to do so.
It is a New Year my sisters and I am taking this opportunity (albeit a little late but that was due to me taking some much needed time off) to wish you all the best for 2023.
I don’t know if this is ‘your year’ but what I do know we have made it to this year and so there must be much we can do. Work on you, work on what you love, work on improving your family life, work on that new career journey, whatever it is, work on it.
Don’t set yourselves such high goals that you become overwhelmed but on the flip side don’t undervalue yourselves. Cheers sisters!
