I wish for the ease and certainty some people have when it comes to having children. The lack of absolute conviction makes me wonder about my grasp on that inherent motherly instinct every woman supposedly comes pre-packaged with, or so I am often told of and made to believe.
There seems to be hardly any space or room for those who sit on the fence and find it difficult to arrive at a final decision. I wondered about this sense of certainty even more, especially after a visit to a friend who had just given birth. She had such a fierce desperation to become a mother that when her partners in long-term relationships couldn’t come to a decision about children, she opted for a casual one and an open willingness to go the journey completely alone.
It was such a powerful thing to observe as she brought her baby to full term and it became evident that this was an intentional and deliberate one-parent show by all parties involved. Smiling so blissfully, content with her baby nestled in her arms, she said to me, “It’s sometimes better when you have full say on how you raise your child.” I wondered if I would magically be overcome with these feelings should I ever be with child; so happy and content that nothing else truly matters. Perhaps I should go for it. In that moment her life seemed like a completely special world so certain of absolute bliss and guaranteed to be a special utopia and one that I hoped for in that moment. My friend hardly has to worry about the cost-related well-being of her child as almost all needs are covered by the German State. KinderGeld (money for children despite economic standing) is given on a monthly basis from the moment the child is born, schooling is covered and in most German states, university is free while healthcare remains completely accessible for all.
To put it frankly, this society more or less practices the concept of incentivizing citizens to produce. However, even though being cushioned with so much help, hesitation still lingers for most and oftentimes is replaced with shame. Openly talking about fears around becoming a mother and questioning the necessity of it, is often met with a particular tone that seeks to establish a moral hierarchy between parents and non-parents.
The good old comments like “What would have happened if your parents thought the same way?” and “ Children are a blessing” feel like absolute gaslighting and make one feel isolated. They seem inconsiderate when it comes to seeing people, especially women, as separate and good enough beings who don’t choose to reproduce.
I often wonder if this is the reason why so many new mothers feel isolated after childbirth. Because whether we realise it or not, consciously or unconsciously, society always seems only fascinated by new life and is hardly ever concerned with the mother who toiled and laboured through the pain. There is no singular root to my hesitation or
nervousness but more so a series of recurring questions that I can’t seem to find definite answers to, or at least honest enough experiences being shared in my social circles to reflect on.
These are some of the questions women considering motherhood tend to ask: Will I regret making such a life-altering decision and how will it affect my romantic relationship if I have one? How much of myself will I lose and is it really worth it in the end? What could I achieve if I choose not to as compared to if I did? Is it wrong to want a hassle-free life? Are children a hassle or does the love you receive make for an equal trade off? How much will I miss my old life?
These questions aren’t cold or heartless. If anything they certainly acknowledge the seriousness of having a child and leave open and healthy spaces to interrogate. And even as we sit on the fence with questions unanswered or choosing to allow time to pass to retrieve the answers, at least there is certainty when it comes to exploring these thoughts with truthfulness and while we embrace our humanness.
