‘Depression and anxiety are mental health problems, but people are often afraid to admit that they are struggling with these complaints because they are ashamed or do not want to be labelled as mad. Society has also taught us that depression and anxiety are signs of weakness. This week, a sister talks about her recent struggles with what she believes is anxiety and some bouts of depression.
“I am not sure when it started and maybe I was afraid to even admit that something is not right,” she wrote. “But there were times when I would wake up with this heaviness in the pit of my stomach and I have to literally push myself to come out of bed.
“But as soon as I am out, and I get busy with the children preparing for school the feeling would disappear and return until the following morning. This continued for a while and then I started to get a sad feeling during the day, and I could not pinpoint why I was sad. As far as I knew I had no reason to be sad and you know I would start counting my blessings and wondering what was wrong with me. ‘Why are you sad?’ I would sometimes ask myself. ‘You are not sick, your children and husband are healthy, and you have a job so there is so much to be happy about,’ I would admonish myself at other times.
“I am a Christian and so I am a strong believer in God so I would pray about the matter a lot. But I was not keen on sharing what I was going through, not even with my husband.
“But of recent the heaviness became frequent especially around the commencement of my menstrual cycle and I would say, ‘Well, you know it is my hormones being mixed up.’ Eventually, the feeling would dissipate, and I would get busy with everyday chores until the next menstrual cycle. At times I think to myself that I might be menopausal at an early age.
“I became really concerned in the last month when this heaviness consumed me long before my cycle and long after. What was different as well was that the feeling continued during the day. I am cooking and it is there, I am preparing my children and it is there and more surprisingly I am at work and it is there.
“At one point, I became really scared and I began to pray more fervently, begging God for the feeling to go. Accompanying the feeling as well were what I can only describe as weird thoughts. I would at times imagine my funeral and how my husband and children would react when they found me dead as a result of suicide. Then I would shake myself and say things like ‘get thee hence behind me satan’ as I attempt to rid myself of those thoughts.
“I am at work and then I am flooded with all kinds of thoughts—some I don’t even want to say because of how ridiculous they were. At some points I was afraid to wake up because of how I felt but I never remained in bed. I always managed to get up and do what needed to be done and it appeared as if all was okay, except for that heaviness and those thoughts locked away in my head.
“I would sing at times just to get rid of them, but they remained, day in day out. At one point I even said to myself this must be how people feel when they are going insane. I finally started talking to a friend and she told me that since COVID-19 hit the world everything just went haywire. ‘You know this year is not a real year and everybody going through a funk, even I go through a funk,’ she told me, and she made me laugh.
“But still I suffered silently as these thoughts persisted and the heaviness was there. I laughed as per normal and chatted with everyone, but it was like in my head and mind there was a raging war, and I was not sure how to stop it. Sometimes I wanted to just cry for no reason but then there was hardly any space to do it. I did not want to weep at work and at home my children are like private detectives. They would immediately know if I was crying. I was not ready to be interrogated because if I did not give the right answers then they might join me. After all, ‘this year is not a real year’ and I know they are having struggles of their own with online schooling and hardly any recreational activities. I just did not want to add to their troubles.
“So there I was wanting to cry and not being able to. Maybe I could have tried doing it silently in my bed but then I may have my husband to contend with and I was not ready. At times, I attempted to talk to him, but I could not explain how I was feeling, and he did not seem to understand. He kept asking why and I really could not give a reason.
“My friend told me that if it persisted, maybe I should look to speak to someone professionally. I immediately balked at the idea. ‘Nope,’ I said to myself, ‘I was not going and sit across from anyone and bare my soul to them.’ I am not ready for that and really I don’t think I needed that kind of help.
“I spoke to another friend and she told me that if I needed to cry then I should cry and I should not be afraid of what I was going through because everyone is going through a bad patch. A third friend – and yes, I hope you see the pattern, I was talking more about it – said that maybe I should write about it as it can be therapeutic.
“So here I am, writing.
“And so even as I began to talk more and more about how I felt, I started doing some reading because the feeling and thoughts still happened around my menstrual cycle, but like I stated before it was happening for longer periods. I learnt that maybe my estrogen level has dropped and such I was experiencing hormonal imbalance. Coupled with the fact that the world is just not a happy place right now, I must also have been experiencing some form of depression.
“Even as I write it here I am not comfortable. Depression, for me, was always associated with people who are having domestic problems. I know I am wrong but that is how I viewed it. Sometimes I would think it happened with people who are weak or don’t know God. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, and I can say that now. But that is how I felt.
“I believe we need to have more conversations about these things and like some of the younger persons would say we need to ‘normalise’ it. I hope by sharing my experience, someone who might be going through something would know she is not ‘mad’ and that it is not a case that something is ‘wrong with her. We all go through things and it is always good when we can talk about it. Everyone needs one or two persons who they can share with. Thankfully, I have a few. That is how humans are supposed to live.
I am still dealing with the heaviness, but I am feeling better. It is a work in progress, but I am more comfortable talking about how I feel and if needs be when my next menstrual cycle comes around, if I need to cry I will find a way to let those tears out.
“Thanks for allowing me to share my experience. There is more but this is what I want to share. As they say I am in a better place and I am happy. I thank God. Maybe in the future I will share more as time goes by.”
I must thank this sister for sharing. As I have said before in this space we are all going through struggles; lend a listening ear where you can.
The sister referred to estrogen and I just want to indicate that these are hormones that are important for sexual and reproductive development, mainly in women. They are also referred to as female sex hormones. The term “estrogen” refers to all of the chemically similar hormones in this group, which are estrone, estradiol (primary in women of reproductive age) and estriol.
According to https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles an imbalance of estrogen leads to:
Irregular or no menstruation
Light or heavy bleeding during menstruation
More severe premenstrual or menopausal symptoms
Hot flashes, night sweats, or both
Noncancerous lumps in the breast and uterus
Mood changes and sleeping problems
Weight gain, mainly in the hips, thighs, and waist
Low sexual desire
Vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy
Fatigue
Feelings of depression and anxiety
Dry skin
Some of these effects are common during menopause. So, sisters, if you are experiencing any of the above just know that it could be a decrease of estrogen in your body.
