“I don’t know. I believe that is all I can do for them now and for me it make me feel good, even if at times I does feel that they taking too much.”
She was answering a question I asked. This woman in her late forties is almost at the beck and call of her adult children. Whenever they call she is there regardless of her circumstances and if she has to leave herself undone to ensure she meets their needs she does it.
She continued, “I think I do it because when growing up I couldn’t give them what they need. We punish a lot when they was children. Sometimes I use to feel like a failure because we always in need. I use to have to be asking for help to just to get by.
“Now they all big and have children and you know I just want to help them as much as I can that is all.”
What prompted me to ask her about the situation was the fact that I witnessed her postpone her plans because one of the children called. It is not that her daughter had an emergency; she called at the last minute for babysitting assistance. Even though she had already planned and had her clothes laid out, this sister decided to shelve it and visit her daughter. I suggested that maybe she was being taken advantage of.
At first, I thought she was upset about the suggestion. We were having a telephone conversation so I could not see her facial expression. She paused and I thought she was annoyed.
“Me an all does think so sometimes,” she said, just as I was about to say that maybe I had overstepped.
“It is not like I don’t know because sometimes I does feel as if that is all I there for, to do things for them. But then it does make me feel good just to do it and when I could put a smile on my grandchildren them face it means the world to me.
“Some people may not understand it but I does feel really good. Even if I not feeling good at times and they call, I would go because that is what give me like something to do and I feel good about it. I not saying like if they doing something I don’t like or wrong I would not tell them about it.”
This mother’s attempt to make up for what she could not have provided for her offspring while they were little is obvious. I commend her because as the saying goes, one never stops being a parent. However, parents also have to be mindful that they are not taken advantage of.
“My mother and I don’t have a good relationship. I punish to when we did growing up but soon as I reach age, is like me mother did just want marry me off and life was just more hard from then. And she didn’t use to help me really. I did need so much help with them children but she was living she life and had no time for me,” she recalled.
“So because of how I use to feel, you know, I say to myself that when my children get big I would be there for them. I know how it could be sometimes and I don’t want them to feel like how I use to feel at times.
“I prefer to do things for them, than they have to beg other people. I know some people does say they is grandmother and not mother but if they want me to be mother to the children sometimes, I don’t mind to be honest. I have the time and I will do it.”
The last bit was said in a firm tone as if she was telling me not to question her decision to be at her children’s beck and call.
“If it is school I would go. If they sick, I would go or if they just need a break I would go,” she added.
The sister related more which I chose not to divulge in this space, but it is obvious from what she said that she needs to be mindful. From all indications, she is in it for the long haul and this is just her way of coping with life and finding purpose. According to an article on betterhelp.com, a website through which therapy can be accessed, parents should be careful about enabling their adult children.
“…When a parent enables their child well into adulthood, they may think they’re helping them, but they may actually be holding them back or increasing their sense of entitlement. Parents often just want to make life easier for them so they can be successful, so it is often not intentional when a parent’s enabling behavior leads a child to transition into an entitled adult,” the website stated.
However, it was pointed out that it’s important to understand the difference between supporting and enabling as parents.
I am not sure if what the sister does can fall under enabling; it is more a matter of allowing herself to be used and at times no appreciation being shown.
All parents always need to be mindful. Even when our children are small, they are smart enough to take advantage of us if we allow them to. We all want the best for our children but this does not mean always putting ourselves out especially when they are adults and have their own families. Help when you can, but do not put yourself on call; let them stand on their own two feet.
