“It is a battle I go through every day. Sometimes I don’t want to fight and other times like I don’t have a choice. It is not anything I envisioned and I always thought I would just not make any mistakes and they would turn out good.
“But now it is like I don’t know what to do many days and that is the hardest thing I ever had to endure.”
The words of a single mother of three sons. They all have different fathers and while she is officially hooked to the father of her last son, they are separated and so she is raising them almost on her own with some financial support from the fathers.
“I know people always say that boys need their fathers and I never really kept my boys away from their fathers. But of course most times they are with me … when they were younger it was okay but now they are teenagers and is like I don’t know what to do,” she said.
“Quarreling don’t really make a difference now because is one of two things, they don’t listen or they sulk for so long and I have to like go back and beg them to talk. And I don’t beat them, well I can’t beat them.”
She said the last sentence with what sounded like defeated laughter.
“It was never what I wanted. Never really thought I would be a single mother like my mother.
My father did not play a part in my life and I wanted more for my children but as things would have it, I had the first and then the father went his way and then almost the same thing with the second,” she said.
“I figured that should have been it for me but you know searching for this family structure I still wanted to give marriage a try and I found someone. We married, had my third son and some years later I am a single mother again.”
This sister and I would talk from time to time and she would share some of the issues she has. None came above her just wanting to do right by her sons and not finding the right recipe to raise them. It is a struggle when both parents are around and many times, especially as our children grow older, we worry whether we are doing the right thing. We worry when they do not behave in a manner that is right or do that we wish them to do. So for this sister I know how hard it is. I have seen her frustration and tears as she just wants her children to grow up to be productive citizens.
“Three sons and no close male figure around, it is just me day in day out. And you know it is the younger one I worry about most. It is not like I get an easy time with the two older ones but the one is like he is so resistant and things he would say and do at his age I didn’t get that from his brothers,” she stated.
“It is as if this child is angry all the time and I don’t know what to do. He would want to answer me back and I would really have to push back sometimes for him just to shut his mouth. But you know what is more scary is that I know a time would come when he would just not listen to me.
“I believe in God so I pray a lot but then I know I am not the best example even though I try. I am scared at times to think about the future,” she told me candidly.
“But teenagers really go through they own stuff and sometimes I try to understand that but it is like I wonder if these children love me because they can be so disobedient at times. I don’t know if they rebelling and you know because I don’t always get to give them things, maybe that is it.
“It is like pulling teeth to get things from the fathers and so that makes it even harder. Sometimes I say the younger one acts out more because he actually lived with his father and now we are separated. I don’t know if he wants us back together. And when I try to talk, is a waste of time. A friend said maybe I need to take him for counselling but like I don’t know.”
I asked her if she considered getting back with her husband.
“It is not going to happen. It is not like this happen overnight, you know. But it was like everything that could go wrong, went wrong and I not even angry any more. I just see it as years of my life wasted. I don’t want to get into all the details but I know there is no getting back together,” she answered.
“I am not giving up on my boys, but like I said it is really hard at times. I have a full time job and it pays okay but you know it is still not enough to really take care of them adequately and I would say to myself if I didn’t have them I could have had a comfortable life. But then I would feel so guilty because I love my boys. It is just like I don’t know how to be the right parent to them.”
I told her not to beat herself up too much as whether it is one or two parents, when children are becoming adolescents they deal with their own issues that sometimes scares them and they don’t talk about it.
“I know that because I have married friends who would tell me they have issues too but I believe if their fathers just play a bigger role in their lives maybe things would be better. The big one, I don’t know if it is because he is the oldest but he tries more than the others. I would get resistant but I can deal with his attitude more. I say maybe when the others get older it would be better but I just don’t know with the youngest,” she said.
“And you know it is not the money. I don’t think I find enough time to do things with them and that is an issue too. I work long hours and when I get home I am tired but then there is more work so I know it must feel at times that all I do is quarrel and feed them not even clothe them really because I would get help with that. I just hope that at the end of the day they don’t hate their childhood too much and know that in spite of it all I love them.”
Parenting is one of the most difficult and important tasks in life but it is one for which many of us are not truly prepared. Most of us took no parenting classes; did not read up on how to be a good parent and we just do it by trial and error which can never be the correct thing to do. We are dealing with little human beings who would become big human beings and how they turn out is mostly dependent on how we parent them.
This sister’s situation is not unique. I wish her well and hope that she continues to strive to be the best parent she can be. I hope that her three boys will turn out quite fine and take their places in this world and make their contributions. In the meantime I will support her as much as I can, even if it is just to give a listening ear.
