“I feel alive. I feel okay. You know there are moments that you feel everything is crumbling? But those are just moments. Generally I feel alive. I feel good.”
She said the words quietly and I sensed she was not having the best of days. She was describing being separated from her husband of just about six years. This sister, a mother of two in her late thirties, decided enough was enough and left.
We have been talking for quite some time, even before the separation and for her it has always been a case of respect. And he did not keep his end of the financial burden. I asked to share part of her journey in this space and she agreed.
“I think it was during the pandemic period,” she answered, when I asked her at what point she decided that the marriage was over.
“There was no wow moment or anything; it was in my head all the time that this needs to happen. But of course there are things that you were concerned about and so it was back and forth, back and forth in my mind.
“I was more concerned about the financial aspect of things. Even though he was not pulling his weight as he should, I knew when I leave things were going to be more difficult financially.”
I asked her if it was a case of her falling out of love with her husband.
She answered quickly: “To begin with, it wasn’t about falling into love when I got married. So it was not a case of me falling out of love,” she said slowly, pausing in between words.
“My husband and I had been together for a number of years before marriage. I felt at one point that we would have exhausted each other.”
She must have heard the confusion in my voice and answered before I completed my question.
“It was related to the wrongs we did to each other. We basically made the decision to get married because I wanted a change of life. I wanted to live different. I wanted to devote my life to God and I did not want to live in fornication. We loved each other but we were not in love with each other,” she told me.
“We fell out of love years ago because of both parties being unfaithful to each other when we are separate. You see, he worked overseas and I would leave alone with the kids and I felt neglected and unloved and that would cause me to seek out and likewise the same for him. When he went to work abroad he found persons to keep company. We both knew what each other was doing.”
Did you guys discuss this in the open and accept it? I asked..
“No, it was just something that we knew. There were instances when the outside party would make contact with me and tell me what was going on,” she answered.
“But for me I restricted that. I did not allow anybody to cross the line. He didn’t say it but he knew what was going on, you know, my actions and so forth.”
Became a Christian
But life changed for this sister when she became a devout Christian.
“By then [when she became a Christian] we had separated. We had broken up and I had met someone else. But after a year, he reached out and he said he wanted his family again in his life.
“I told him that I was on this new journey. I left the person I was with, and I told him that we would need to get married because I would not live in fornication. He said it was okay and I had still loved him so we got married,” she said.
“We had gotten married early in the year and he left the country three months later. And for me it went back to the same thing whereby he left, it was the same thing. Him being away and not reaching out on a daily basis; he did not communicate often.
It affected me, because for me you have to reach out to your partner, reassure them that you are still here and care.
“There were days when I felt overwhelmed and you want to have someone to talk to and not having that person here cause you to feel neglected.
“It was just like emotional neglect because the financial aspect was okay; we were taken care of. It was him not being there. He eventually returned to the country… Sometime later, I went into his phone and saw evidence of him being unfaithful. I asked about it and of course being his usual self, he didn’t want to talk about it and was more concerned about why I was going through his phone,” she told me.
“I didn’t allow it to bother me though. He spent a while and then he travelled again and it was just something I had grown accustomed to,” she said.
I asked her if she was not bothered by his unfaithfulness, especially in light of the fact that she was being faithful to him and the vows they took.
“As I said, it was what I was accustomed to. So I did not allow it to break me down or bother me to the point of a meltdown. I continued my life with my job taking care of the kids and whenever he called, he called.
“We continued as usual. And then there were some concerns as it related to the mother of his child. He had an outside child. My concern was why he was not bringing the child and let her spend time with him and the family so that he could play a real part in the child’s life.
“But he was reluctant, he didn’t seem concerned. And then I was concerned about the amount of money he was giving to her. It was like they were still in a relationship because it was as if he was taking care of her and the child with the amount of money he was giving her. But the young woman was never disrespectful to me or anything,” she said.
The sister said things got messier when her husband’s family spent some time with them.
“He explained to them before they came how my way of living was now that I was a Christian. His family came and that situation was out of control. There was no line drawn. They were disrespectful. He set some ground rules and those rules were not adhered to and he did nothing about it. That created a further rift. But I did not take it to heart. I figured it was just their culture and they didn’t know better. It was just the way they were taught,” she said.
She told me she knew the family was leaving at some point so she just survived their presence.
“He left again and the cycle continued. He was at work and we are at home. During that time he had some concerns about a young man who was doing some refurbishing work at our home and I put him at ease because, like I said, I was remaining faithful,” she shared.
The phone call
He returned and the sister said a phone call from another woman coupled with him not contributing financially as he should, made her realise that enough was enough. “I answered his phone and this woman wanted to know who I was and I wanted to know who she was. I told her she could not speak to him and hung up but she called back and was using obscene language. When I approached him to have a conversation, he was like why I was answering his phone and he couldn’t be bothered,” she said.
“The relationship was rockier but as a Christian I said to myself that I would wait on God to work it out for me.
“But yet sometimes I would say I have to leave. The final thing for me was when we were out on the road and when we returned he was on the phone and when he ended the call I saw another woman as his screensaver. I asked and he said don’t ask him any question and I think that was the final thing.” I told him to leave but he refused and then he stopped contributing as he should financially.
“I was left with the financial burden on my own. For over a year he did not keep his end of the bargain. It was going to two years and I said if I am struggling I didn’t need to have you around and then he was being disrespectful.
“Once I spoke and he decided to go and do some grocery shopping, but that was it. I would ask him about moving forward and set some rules but he ran away from discussions.
“I asked him to leave, months pass and he didn’t leave and it was still me alone with the financial burden. I was literally taking care of him and the house and he was being disrespectful and having certain conversations in front of the children. It started to take a toll on the youngest, who was crying a lot. I literally had to reassure him that I was not really affected by his father’s behaviour.
“I would just go about having my usual business in the house. I was not really intimate with him anymore; it was like far and between. It was not healthy for me and the children but financially it was difficult for a while…,” she added.
Eventually she left.
“I informed him I was leaving and he said nothing,” she shared.
The sister said she is still trying to balance things out financially and it has been difficult so far.
“But I feel good within myself and I am not being disrespected anymore,” she noted.
Looking to the future the sister had this to say: “I see myself progressing in life and being able to afford my children a good solid education. We will share with others our experiences because of what we went through.”
“It is not easy and times gone by outside of my faith, suicidal thoughts would have crossed my mind. But with my faith, I have the faith that things would get better, I look at the positives. While things are difficult, mentally I don’t feel hopeless.
“I don’t believe we should have ourselves in situations that could cost us our sanity and it was that stage it was getting with my husband. My situation was toxic and he didn’t care. No one should stay in that level of disrespect.”
This sister is going to see better days. She has a good job, she is intelligent and she has her faith. I am happy that she is not hopeless. As the saying goes, once there is life there is hope. I am going to continue cheering her on.
