“Sometimes I ask myself where do you draw the line? These children are so much more informed and many times if I don’t catch myself I will become the child and he will be the parent. I have to shake myself and say ‘girl get a grip of yourself’’,” she said with a small laugh.
The words of a mother who is adjusting to a teenage son.
In case you are wondering about the focus on parenting in this space over the last few weeks, just know that I am also experiencing some of the same challenges as a parent whose children are moving from one stage to another. It seems that these are the conversations I am having mostly now as we compare ‘notes’ and share our concerns as mothers who are just trying to do our best.
This sister has changed countries in recent times and has also adapted to a whole new way of living and because of this she tries to cut her child some slack but says it is difficult for her to find the balance needed.
“I know it must be difficult adjusting to a whole new lifestyle and to be honest I am really happy and proud at the way he has adjusted. I was so scared and was having anxiety attacks because I said to myself that this child would find it difficult because he has to readjust,” she said.
“But it was like fish taking to water. I had no complaints, it was a wasted fear and me going through anxiety for nothing. He never complained and he is such a hard worker, anything he has to do he does it. But in the process is like he grew up and wants to be an adult before his time.
“And it took a while for us to notice because in some respects we were also finding our away and adjusting. So at times when he just did what needed to be done, it made life easier because I did not have to worry about him. And for a while it was just him and the adults so he was up in all the conversations and decision making and threw in his lot too. I wouldn’t lie, we took his opinions a lot on board. So it was like we were all even.
“But it was months later I realized that this child was more and more ceasing to be a young teenager and wanted to operate like if he was an adult. It started subtly. You know you would ask for him to do something and he would suggest why it should be done a certain way or even point out why the task should not be done at all. Still finding our way, we would say yes. But then more and more we found that the child wanted to run the show.
“We had to put out feet down. But by then it was like the child became so comfortable with the situation that it became a daily struggle. But I would not let up. I had to rein things back in. And you know these children these days have so much more knowledge than we did at their age and they try to use this at their advantage. Well I had to say none of it.”
She said the last part with such force that for a moment I thought she was speaking to the child in question.
“It is not that he is openly rude, but you get the message. Sometimes I am a bit embarrassed when persons are around because you are talking to him and the way he responds it as if we are the same age. It is not just me but his father as well and we had to take steps to curb this. One of the things we had to do almost immediately, and I believe that was our biggest mistake, was to stop have certain conversations in front of him. Because we were adjusting and space was initially cramped there was hardly nothing he did not hear and have an opinion too.
“So we had to stop this and start making decisions without him having an input. Then we had to work on him understanding that he is a child. It is not that we didn’t cut him some slack still, but he had to understand who is the parent and who is the child. Even now it is a constant struggle. We have gotten a little headway but it is far from striking that balance,” she related.
“You know I don’t think that balance will ever be found again because he is growing each day. And we are still adjusting and so the dynamics will never return to the point before we moved. In another few years he is going to officially be an adult and we just have to accept that things will not be back the way they were.
“Parenting is not easy and we just have a double whammy because we chose to shift our lifestyle at a stage where he is also finding himself. So like I said before we have to cut him some slack,” she admitted to me.
I told her parenting is struggle in general and even shared some of my experiences with her. It is all about sharing ‘notes’ because many times we don’t get it right and at the end of the day we just want our children to grow up to be well adjusted productive citizens of this world.
“I would advise any parent to always try to find that balance especially when the child is a teenager. For me it is a little different because of having to adjust to a new way of living but I had teenagers before so I know how difficult it can be. Of course, there is no one size fit all because they are all unique children but we have readjust as they grow,” she continued
“I am here taking it one day at a time and I know it will never be the same again but like I said I can’t give up I just have to keep doing what I am doing and don’t let up. Some days will be harder than others but I just have to do it.”
I couldn’t agree more. We all have to just ‘do it’ as we parent our children. We are not perfect but once we do our best that is okay and if we are faith believers, then when we fail, we must trust that higher being to step in.
According to the American Psychology Association, “The teen years pose some of the most difficult challenges for families. Teenagers, dealing with hormone changes and an ever-complex world, may feel that no one can understand their feelings, especially parents. As a result, the teen may feel angry, alone, and confused while facing complicated issues about identity, peers, sexual behaviour, drinking, and drugs”.
The association pointed out that parents may be frustrated and angry that the teen seems to no longer respond to parental authority. “Methods of discipline that worked well in earlier years may no longer have an effect. And, parents may feel frightened and helpless about the choices their teen is making,” it said
Typical areas of parent-teen conflict according to the association are
“Disputes over the teen’s curfew
The teen’s choice of friends
Spending time with the family versus with peers
School and work performance
Cars and driving privileges
Dating and sexuality
Clothing, hairstyles, and makeup
Self destructive behaviours such as smoking, drinking, and using drugs.”
