“Sometimes it is as if she is giving up on life and at other times well I just don’t know if it is living or just existing. I feel so sorry for her because as I see it she has never really had a happy life and now she has children and a man who really don’t care.
“I would try to be there as much as I can for her and I know it might not be enough but at least I am trying and she talks to me so I just try to be a listening ear.”
A sister recently shared with me her ongoing experience with a young mother of three who from all indications is living in an abusive relationship but feels that she cannot do better. This is new to the community and while she wants to support the mother as much as she can, she is also mindful of enabling at times victim-blaming environment they live in.
“It took a while to get talking with her but I knew from the first time I saw her that something was not right. She looked so sad all of the time and I wanted to get to know her but it took a while,” she said.
“Now that I speak to her, I myself feel so sad. Is like she is living with a man who does not appreciate her for anything and he hits her. She claims that he does not hit her much, but he abuses her in every other way. It is not like they are living in a partnership or anything as he behaves as if she is a child.
“He would tell her all kinds of hurtful things in front of the children. He works and he barely gives her money to buy food and when there is none he blames her. She told me the other day that he gets paid weekly yet she don’t know what he does with his money.”
I asked her if the young mother did not have any relatives and what others in the community did to assist.
“You know some people see it as nothing because it is like every other household has some sort of issues. The women in the community don’t see it as anything because maybe they are or were abused too. This woman has no mother or father and just one sibling and they themselves can’t help or do anything. Her mother died when she was young and her father who was a great source of support passed away as well,” she replied.
“The father’s death was a big blow because from all accounts he really assisted her and was a source of joy to her and her children. Her partner would be telling people things about her and it seems like some of them believe him but I can see right through him and I know he abuses her..
“And you know sometimes I don’t even think he is also too right in his mind. She told me that he would just wake up at times in the middle of the night and hold on to her throat and threaten to kill her. It is not like they had any big misunderstanding or anything. She is like living in constant fear because she don’t know what would make him snap or when he would snap.
“The sad thing about it as well is that he smokes marijuana so that in itself is not helping the situation. I am convinced that it has affected his ability to think straight and so it has just added to make him a monster.
“The children are afraid of him and she is afraid of him and I suppose that is how he wants it,” she continued.
“There is no system in place to help even if she wants help and to me that is the worst. But I did sit and speak to her the other day. I told her there are places she can go to get help and that I could help her.
“But the sad thing is that she basically told me that is her life and she would live with God’s help. I know it is hard to just think about leaving everything you know and you not sure how you will survive but how I see it almost anything would be better than how she lives now. But that is not how she sees it,” she added.
“I encouraged her, but I am not going to reach out for her because she has not agreed. And then I know how the people in the area are. They would blame me for breaking up the family. Like what family? The woman and children are not happy and they are afraid of the man. He would tell her sometimes that by the time he come back she must move out and then the next time it is if she ever think about leaving him he would kill her.
“Some people see the two of us talking and they coming and telling me that I must talk to she because the man say she don’t cook sometimes. Like nobody not seeing this man abusing this woman. The other day she was sick and instead of trying to assist those who were helping, he trying to convince people that the woman is not sick.
“That is how cruel he is. And knowing that his head not right I try to help but not to get too involved because I still have me and my family to think about. He is known for being violent and so I have to be careful. Is a small community and people don’t really want to help and like I said some others getting abuse too.
“For now all I can do is listen, support as much as I can and give her the option. If she wants to leave I would try to direct her in the right way to get help. There is nobody there to counsel and so… even if she would go because the community too small. I will keep doing my part.”
That is all we can do in some situations. I understand where the sister is coming from and she cannot put herself or family in danger as she attempts to help the young woman. I told her that numbers can be provided if the woman wants help and she told me she would keep talking to her and maybe she will agree.
