This week I am sure has been a troubling one for most of us with the horrific allegations of rape against sitting Government Minister Nigel Dharamlall by a 16-year-old school girl. What has been most disturbing for me is the amount of support the accused has received from mostly women and how many of them used their social media space to attack the child. I am not in any way attempting to pronounce on the allegations; that is the remit of our judicial system. Those vilifying the complainant would do well to remember this.
I have decided to republish, in part, a July 12th 2020 column where a rape survivor shared her story with the hope that it might help just one person to understand that victims are never to be blamed and also to demonstrate the impact of victim blaming.
“I feel a bit encouraged because some persons have reached out to me telling me a bit of their story and I have tried my best to encourage them to have faith and stay strong,” the mother of one said.
She made this statement hours after she had graphically detailed her horrifying rape in a post on Facebook and how she eventually chose not to testify in the High Court because at the time she was heavily pregnant. This rape survivor said she felt as if she was being raped again during the preliminary inquiry into the charge.
I reached out to her and she agreed for me to share her experience in this space, but to allow her to remain anonymous here.
“Whilst I was reading for a degree in International Relations, one evening I was raped and sodomized by a serial rapist well-known to the police. After my mishap he did it several times again to other young women.
“I was awaiting transportation to get home when the perpetrator tried to get my attention and I ignored him. Suddenly, to my surprise, he grabbed a personal belonging from me and started to run towards High Street. Without hesitation I ran behind him to retrieve my spectacles, screaming, ‘give it back give it back,’ not realising where I was heading.
“The next thing I knew I was being dragged up a flight of stairs. I started to put up a struggle. I remember hearing a knock on a door or wall and a voice coming from inside.
“I was thrown on a smelly bed and violated. I screamed for help, but no one came. I begged him to stop but he didn’t until he was satisfied. I was bitten several times about my body when I refused to give in… When he was done I ran out and went home.
“I hid this ordeal from my mother until after a few days when she realised something was amiss. The incident was reported, and he was arrested and charged.
“The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court and then sent to the High Court for trial. His family offered me money, but I refused. Many days after the court hearings I was devastated.
“One day, I went home after a hearing and I cut all my hair off. Lawyers make you feel worthless. His lawyer is a Christian. To this day I twitch when I see or hear him on any media. Imagine a Christian representing a brute. I haven’t forgiven him for that.
“There is a gospel singer that has this beast dancing in one of his videos. I believe to this day to be a criminal lawyer is a sin. Rapists and domestic abusers should be strung by their testicles upside down and castrated.
“When women say no and or stop, respect their wishes! I cannot share all the details because as I pen this post my heart and body cringe even after all these years,” she continued.
She eventually discontinued the court case by not turning up.
“… When I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, the matter was called in the High Court. Because of the innocence of my unborn child and the stage of pregnancy I decided to let the matter go.
“What miss you don’t pass you,” she reasoned.
“This world is round and when we do wrong it will surely come back to haunt us even if it’s a second before we die; like a boomerang. Leave those baby girls alone. Leave the women alone when you pursue them, and they decline. There are more women in the world than men. Surely one must give in to your advances.
“God will not be displeased with you if you do that, but he will be upset with you for violating a woman or girl.
“Women and girls are neither toys nor commodities,” she cautioned.
“My late mother was willing to give my perpetrator what he deserved and plead insanity. Trust me, she would have been successful. If it wasn’t for her faith and love for me and the love of God and kind family and friends; today I would not be a sane woman.
“Please stop the rape and domestic violence and abuse.
“Every time I am in Georgetown and I am on my way home in a minibus I have to pass that building. But God has me and other survivors.
“Y’all stop. I am begging. And all who hiding in the closets with dirty pasts trust me y’all day coming soon.”
In a later conversation with me, the sister told me she had not seen her rapist in over a year.
“If I see him I make a beeline. I used to hate him. But I don’t anymore, just don’t want any contact,” she said.
This sister has some advice for young girls who are abused.
“Don’t be discouraged. God is able and he sees and hears. There is always a light at the end of any dark tunnel.
“Get counselling and pray. It gives you closure to an extent. It keeps you sane and allows you to keep your head above water.”
She had not spoken about her ordeal because she had prayed to place it behind her and talking about it now is still difficult.
“…Opening up yesterday was deep and took a lot out of me. It released some goosebumps and memories. I will never forget but as time progresses and I am where I would like to be in life, I trust that it will not bother me much.
“I believe if I hear something horrible happens to him [the rapist] he would have gotten what he deserves in life. Because I believe that karma is a bitch and he will get what he has missed before and after me and justice will prevail. We all have to pay for our sins, and he has to do so.”
I asked if she regretted not testifying in court.
“I don’t regret not going ahead and testifying in the High Court. My daughter didn’t deserve to endure that trauma as an unborn child. Because I would have had to give a recount of every detail all over again. And maybe it would have affected me even more then. Without a doubt if I wasn’t pregnant then I would have gone ahead, and I know that he would have been incarcerated for a long time to come. I’ve cried my share and he will have to pick up all of my tears one by one,” she answered.
But she said she is, “more than a conqueror and a survivor in many ways.
“Where there is life there is hope. I hope and pray that men and boys break this demon and curse against women and girls. Anything is possible. Lawyers and the police need to stop dragging victims through the mud as if we are the guilty ones and as if we asked for what we got.”
And she disclosed that the rape affects her parenting.
“…My daughter feels that I am overprotective, and I have issues. She isn’t aware of my experience. Maybe sometime soon I will tell her, and she will understand why I protect and cover her as a mother hen does to her chicks.”
The experience has also affected her intimate relationships.
“Being abused makes me wonder several times how is this going to end. I put up quite a few barriers and in my mind and openly I [say] from day one don’t make certain sexual requests,” she said.
“However, I try to be open as possible and not to classify everyone as the same. Again, I will say prayer conquers any pain or barrier. It doesn’t have to be any big words. Just plain and simple as we are conversing now. So, all in all I pray to God for Him to cover my daughter, my partner, our relationship, and myself. And I find that when we pray more for others than ourselves life is much more rewarding.”
I want to state that I also stand with all abused sisters. I believe you.