Early this month (June 4th to be exact) I wrote about a sister who endured years of domestic abuse and felt she had no alternative but to remain in the situation. Her story was shared by another sister who was assisting her the best way she could. That piece can be found here: https://www.stabroeknews.com/2023/06/04/sunday/womens-chronicles/a-sister-bogged-down-with-battered-womens-syndrome/. As a follow-up to that piece, here is an update on the situation as shared to me by the sister who cares.
“I think things get a little better,” she told me recently when I enquired about the situation.
“It was really starting to get to me because it was like my hands were tied because there was not much I could do and nobody around her was really doing anything either. So it was like a everyday battle, I listened and then I felt so sad and helpless,” she continued.
“And you know there is no real government place around there so you could like even tell them anonymously for them to do something. But of course everyone around knew what was happening and while some felt sorry for her, some just didn’t care or even blame her for the abuse.”
As she spoke I was waiting anxiously for the ‘better’ she spoke about earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt her because I felt she wanted to get some stuff off her chest.
“But you know, thank God, like I don’t know what happened – I believe it had to be God – she said she want out of the situation. She met with some persons in the area and his parents and she told them every day is a quarrel and almost every day he beating her and sometimes he even beat the children,” she revealed.
“She told them everything. Well it is not like they didn’t know already, but I am happy they at least went to the house and listen. I didn’t go because to be honest I just could not stomach being around that man. But she said she told them everything and of course he had things to say. He told them that she was an unfit mother to his children and all kinds of things.
“Look I am not saying that she is perfect, but she was having it really bad and the man used to beat her sometimes for nothing. Like I said before, he smokes and he would just do these things and it was really unsafe for her and the children,” she continued.
“So after she talk they had a discussion and she said she wanted to end the relationship. He said he would move out and take the children. Now for me that was the sad part because he couldn’t take care of the children and I knew she was going to miss them.
“In the end he wanted her to move out instead but thank God some good sense prevailed and he moved out and she stayed with the children.
“She is somewhat free of him but of course he is in the same community and some people believe that she should just give him another try for the sake of the children. While others accusing her of all manner of things just because she does not want to stay in a situation where she is experiencing all kinds of abuse,” she shared.
“Some now watching she like a hawk because they believe she wants to become involve with another person and so there is rumour all around and of course that is get back to him and then he could snap.
“And that is what I am trying to let some persons understand. That they should stop spreading gossip because they are putting her and the children’s life at risk. This young woman is just trying to find her bearings and they are not giving her a chance.
“I was ready to take her in, even if it was for a short time. But it was really up to her to come to a decision to leave. It was not something I really wanted to do but I saw the state she was in and I was really fearful something bad would have happened. I am thankful that it did not come to that,” she said.
“Now all I am doing, like before, is supporting her. I would go and talk to her, help with the children. It is not easy because I have my own life and of course my own problems but as a human being we have to help where we can. It is not like I am leaving myself undone. We need to be careful about that sometimes, but I am doing my bit to help her.
“I only hope she sticks to it because you know many times women leave abusive relationships and before long they back in the same thing. He told her he was going to change but she maintained that she needed a break. And what change he could change? He is still smoking and there is nowhere up there to counsel them or anything.
“For me, I would have felt better if she had left the community but I understand her hesitation. There is all she know and just to uproot and go without really knowing where you going is not easy. But it is a start that she made the effort and I can only support and hope that she sticks to it,” she said.
“And you know I just want to say that as humans and especially as women we really need to support each other. It really made me sad that there were so many women around and they didn’t like want to help. I mean some of them had their own situations so maybe they could help. But even so there are others who just spreading gossip and making the situation worse.
“If you can’t help at least don’t make it worse. I find that too many of them accept domestic abuse as something normal like it have to happen and women just have to survive. And I think that is the problem. But hers was worse because of the smoking. I believe he is losing his mind and maybe she saw that too. That is why I am so fearful about the gossip because I don’t want him to do something terrible,” she said sadly.
As I listened to this sister, I could not help but commend her for the support she gives to the women and her children. We need more like her. Too often, we turn a blind eye to abuse and many of us are just unwilling to help. We refuse to extend ourselves in any way. And then, of course, there are those of us who do things that escalate situations instead of helping.
Let us help our sisters; even if it is just lending a listening ear. Let us also think before we act in ways that would make situations worse.
