Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the most debilitating mental illnesses there is. I was officially diagnosed with it in 2016 but for as long as I could remember – since I was about six or seven years old – the signs were there.
OCD is made up of two parts. The first is the obsessions which can manifest in a series of thoughts, worries, doubts or urges. These obsessions cause significant distress to the individual and are ego-dystonic, meaning they go against the person’s value system. The second part is the compulsion, which manifests in behaviours and rituals that the person practices to arrest and calm his or her anxiety. These could be counting, checking and asking for reassurance because OCD demands absolute certainty. OCD, over the years, has been communicated through popular culture to be mainly associated with cleaning and handwashing and though contamination is a particular theme in OCD it isn’t the only one. This has led to it being viewed as an adjective and a cute personality trait that keeps those who suffer from other themes isolated.
For roughly eight years I have been on antidepressants to help level out the chemical imbalance that contributes to OCD, along with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and a bit of Exposure Response Therapy. With this medical intervention, OCD felt non-existent; almost like I never had it. So much so, l was beginning to believe a life with no treatment was on the horizon. OCD for most people is a lifelong condition and flare ups can happen when there are life changes or when there is disruption by external stress factors after long good periods. Because there is still so much stigma as it relates to medication and the illness itself, it is not hard to understand why those who suffer want to remove themselves from treatment after they have experienced long periods of ease. A life without OCD and its possibilities is a constant wonder for those who suffer.
One of my biggest fears is developing Perinatal OCD if I ever become pregnant, a likelihood for those who already have OCD and a common reality for many first time mothers who have never had OCD. This particular type of OCD reveals itself in excessive worry that the parent may potentially be of harm to the baby and the compulsion is likely to manifest itself in isolation and distance from the baby. Because childbirth is already such a huge life change, anxiety levels are already naturally high. With Perinatal OCD everything gets tripled and feels unbearable while trying to care for the baby. Coupled with mom guilt and a heightened sense to project themselves as good mothers it’s not hard to see why so many suffer in silence, contemplate or actually commit suicide as form of ‘’protection’’.
Many say this is the best time to have OCD because of the amount of information available, but even with OCD the brain finds a way to rubbish any sense in that statement because OCD doesn’t recognize logic. I sometimes argue it’s the worst because we are bombarded with so many visuals of happiness and suggested normalcy that make many feel as if they are the only ones. And when one is experiencing an OCD episode it can feel like there is no end in sight. The uncertainty that OCD latches onto feels like a nightmare and the mental playback of memories drives you into exhaustion while annexing you from friends and family.
This is a reminder that mental health is real, check in on loved ones and remember the brain too is an organ that requires the same medical care as the heart and liver even after long periods of feeling okay and healthy.
