“The worst thing a woman could do is marry to a man that don’t talk. Is like if you dating a man and you find he hardly talks then I would advise you not to walk away but to run far away.”
The words of a sister who has been married for many years and has adult children. We got into talking about marriage recently and she wanted to share some words of wisdom with those who are not yet married. This sister carries herself well and from the outside it appears as if she has the perfect life. (No life is perfect but hers appears close enough.)
“I may appear that way because I have learnt to deal with it. I don’t cry and pull my hair out anymore. I stopped that years ago. I decided that I will not allow myself to look stressed because it is only me who will look bad but it took a lot of effort,” she told me when I mentioned she looks well.
“When I started dating that man I knew he didn’t talk much. As a matter of fact if you ask me now how we got into talking I am not even sure. But I do recall he was not a man of many words but silly me felt that with time he will change.
“I am a person who love to talk and laugh. I love to share and I just love to be around people but he is like the total opposite and at first it used to really get to me. He only opened his mouth much when he wanted to give instruction or to object to something, other than that nothing,” she told me.
“His family used to tell me before we marry that he was not a man who like talk but you know I didn’t take it for anything. You see when we get marry it was like sometimes I was married to a stranger. Days would pass and if I don’t say something it would be like just silence.
“I used to cry so much and I know this man used to see and he would not even ask what was happening. Sometimes I felt like I used to go mad. Not even a I love you at no time really. I would say it and he would grunt something and I couldn’t even understand what he was saying,” she said almost close to tears.
I asked about their intimacy.
“I am not saying that I didn’t enjoy any of it but after it would always leave me sad and lonely. Hardly any foreplay, this man would just reach for me and that was it. Not like petting and talking and so on. It was like a chore sometimes.
“When I first became pregnant I was happy because I honestly believed that it would change things because, you know, we have a child, but I was so wrong. I wouldn’t say he did not love his children. But this man never really play with the children and we never went out as a family.
“Only if it is some family thing but whenever I went out for recreation it was me and the children alone,” she told me.
“It was like he only spoke to the children when he had to discipline them. He was not too rough on them but I think because he did not talk a lot they were afraid of him so whenever he spoke to scold them it was enough.
“I was not happy at all and I still am not really. I have just come to live with it and find some peace. He never hit me, I was not going to accept that either, but I felt abused and mistreated,” she said.
I asked if she ever thought about leaving.
“Many times, but I thought about the children. I did not grow with a father and I reasoned that a father is better than no father. If he was physically abusive yes I would have left but it was not like that.
“But looking back I am not sure if it was the right thing. Even so I am not going to ponder about that as it is already done. The children I believe love their father in their own way and he them, but they don’t have a close relationship and I believe it is because of his disposition. I know today, tomorrow something happen to him or vice versa they would turn up but they are not close and for me that is sad,” she added.
“You know what I have learnt over the years is that men like my husband have deep childhood issues which have to be dealt with. But first they have to accept that they have an issue and then seek help. We did not. Not even right now do we have a healthy relationship.
“I thought I could have fixed him but it was not for me to do that. You know we would never have conversations and whenever I try to have a discussion it was like a stone wall he would not say anything or he would just leave,” she disclosed.
“And then there was the infidelity, yes there was that too and maybe even now it is still happening because we are hardly intimate now. But there was that so you could imagine the amount of burden I carried around but always tried to put up a brave face for the children. Now they would tell me that they know I was not happy and they would hear me crying and that makes me even sadder because I honestly thought I was shielding them,” she said, this time allowing the tears to fall and she paused for a while.
“It is like if it was a failure. But the children are all productive citizens of society and thankfully none of them are like him and for that I am grateful. I am considering leaving my husband because right now we are just two individuals existing in the same space, we are not like a couple at all.
“One thing I am happy for though is that I am living my life. I pay him no mind and I guess he doesn’t pay me any either. But I know that in itself is not healthy. I have discussed it with the children and they told me that if it would make life any better for me then go ahead. I don’t depend on him for anything but it is just the house. I know he will not want to leave so it would have to be me. Two of the children still live with us so it is not that hard right now.
“I am not sure I am ready for that yet though so for now I am just living my life and taking the little happy moments here and there. I don’t think I want another man in my life and so I am just prepared at least for now to live and enjoy life and when I have grandchildren enjoy them. If I knew what I know now I would not have married my husband.
“I am saying to young women, be careful who you marry and watch out for the warning signs. If he is not communicating that is a big no, no. You cannot exist happy with a man who does not talk. Take it from me, I should know,” the sister said.
I wish this sister continued peace.
