“Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy, like life is just slipping me by. And you know at other times it is like my life has no purpose and I am just waiting to exit this world.”
The words of an older sister whose children are all grown up. This woman, who does not look her age, is in good health and is not a pauper. So when she broached the subject with me I was most surprised because to me she had the perfect life. While she no longer works (she never had a traditional 9-to-5 job) there was so much she seemed to be involved in. “It feels sometimes that even my children behave as if I have lived my life. They would refer to everything in the past as if I have nothing to offer in the present day. And I am just tired of people calling me ‘moms’ and ‘granny’; it is like I don’t feel that way,” she said.
“At times I have to drag myself out of my bed but it is not that I am sick… it is just like I don’t want to face a world that seems to think I can no longer make a contribution. And I don’t want to just looked upon like I can just take care of grandchildren; I love my grandchildren, but I want to do more and I can do more,” she said passionately.
I asked her if she did not want to find a part-time job. “I don’t want to work – well not work, work. I don’t want to have to report to some office and just do mundane stuff; I can do so much more. And I want to enjoy life but sometimes when I go out or travel I am made to feel somewhat guilty.
“And then I also think about getting older, like I think about dying and then some people my age who I knew are no more and that is scary. I think that maybe I would get a stroke, so many people I know are getting that. And then I would not be able to help myself and someone would have to take care of me and for me that is the worst,” she said, sounding sad.
“You know, I say sometimes if I had more money it would have been different. I should have lived differently so I can really travel and do things to make up. But I do find other things, like I love my flower plants and I do a lot of work at church with the children who I love. But sometimes it is like this dark feeling consuming me and it really frightens me.”
Not sure what to say and I told her she was doing mighty good with the plants and volunteering work.
“Yeah I know but it does not make me feel better at times. Someone suggested therapy but when I talked to my husband he was not very supportive. He told me nothing is wrong with me. I just have to shake out of it. He, by the way, is dealing with getting old much better. Well he is still working and still in demand job wise. People are always calling him for his opinion and he gets invited to functions. I go with him sometimes but it does not make me feel better,” she told me.
“I think I will have to look at it and maybe go to therapy because sometimes the anxiety and the thoughts really get to me and it does me no good. I have a few good friends but sometimes I even afraid to share with them. I am telling you because I have known you professionally for years and still it is like I don’t know you that well so it makes it better for talking,” she said.
“I know you will share some of what I tell you and it is like I want to get my thoughts out there because I don’t want to feel that it is just me.”
I understood where the sister was coming from. I am some years behind her but sometimes I think about getting old and there are some anxious moments. Like I question when the children grow up and no longer need my everyday attention what then? I do plan to work for as long as I can but there are times I think that I do want my retirement to be one that I can enjoy. All phases of life come with their own difficulties and we just have to deal with them as best as we can and ask for help when need be.
Recognising the feelings
According to Johns Hopkins Medicine recent research has found that one in every three persons over the age of 60 will experience a midlife or later-life crisis
It was noted that for many people, the mid-40s is the time in life when the future isn’t a scary unknown, the past is something you can laugh about, and the present is filled with marriage, kids, careers, and a general satisfaction in knowing who you are and what you want out of life. But a feeling of melancholy will be experienced beyond the 40s, when the future can once again seem uncertain.
“Middle-aged people aren’t inherently more stressed-out than younger folks, but the type of stress is different,” says the hospital’s geriatric medicine physician Alicia Arbaje. The physician noted that research shows that only eight percent of young adults reported no daily stressors, compared with 12 percent of middle-aged adults (ages 40 to 59) and 19 percent of older people (ages 60 to 74). But the midlifers were more likely to experience conflicts involving children — so getting older can bring more relationship stress with friends and family.
When researchers from another institution examined the factors that contribute to psychological well-being, they found that some are genetic, but some are based on having a sense of purpose and a good social network. As they head into retirement and bid goodbye to careers, if they are not careful to stay active in other ways, they risk losing social networks and sense of self-worth, the doctor explained.
“Research has found that another key trigger of later-life crisis is loss, especially bereavement. Loss of someone close can bring you face-to-face with your own mortality, bringing you down if those feelings aren’t confronted and resolved in a healthy way,” says Dr Arbaje.
Here are a few qualities that research has shown we can celebrate as we get older according to the hospital: Decision-making skills: According to a study published in Psychological Science, the insight and life experiences adults acquire over time make them better equipped to make tough decisions. Empathy: Researchers have found that women aged 50 to 59 were more likely to make an effort to relate to different perspectives.
Perception: A study published in the journal Psychology and Aging shows that older adults were better than younger adults at discriminating between fake and genuine smiles.
Moving beyond the crisis
So what can you do to deal with these feelings healthfully? “To start, I would recommend you stop thinking of it as a crisis,” says Dr Arbaje. “It sets you up for the idea that this is inevitable, instead of thinking about it as an opportunity for growth.”
Reframe what it means to get older
Instead of lamenting what you never did, or what you’ve lost, Dr Arbaje suggests thinking about this time as a chance to take on new challenges and embrace life in a new way. For example, if you’re approaching or in retirement, you may have more time and freedom to pursue volunteering or travel.
It is also important to share feelings (as the sister above did).
It was suggested that you find a friend you can confide in — one who will let you answer the question “How are you?” honestly. You might find that your friend is experiencing (or has gone through) similar feelings and can share coping strategies. Research shows that writing (in a journal or a blog) is another healthy way of letting out feelings, and that can help minimise the chances of becoming depressed.
Enjoy movement
Regular physical exercise boosts both your energy and your mood, and it reinforces your power to take charge of your own health and well-being.
So you see there is nothing strange about becoming a little afraid as you get a little older. Many experience this, both men and women, we just have to deal with it and find things to occupy our time especially as the children grow older. Plan for your retirement (I admire my father for the way he planned for his) and ensure that you don’t just exist but live when everyday work becomes a thing of the past. And it is good to always talk, good friends matter.
