“It has not been easy but I love children and so it makes it easier for me. I did not plan it like this and I know people would not understand but it happen and I just have to now work and look after my children that is my sole focus now in life.”
This mother was on her fourth pregnancy in about six years, having had multiple prior miscarriages. As she spoke her youngest child was asking for a bottle and she carried out this task, using soothing words even as she attempted to carry on the conversation with me.
I sat down with her for a little while to understand how she copes with caring for her children, having a husband and a part-time job.
“To tell you the truth, sometimes it is only by the Grace of God. I would be lying to tell you that it don’t get to me because I am human but I try not to stress too much and when it get more than me I cry and then start over again. For me is just finding enough time for the children because I know I can’t give them all the emotional care they need so I have to keep trying, and trying,” she told me.
The baby finally got her bottle and was at peace as she drank.
This sister got married in her late teens and three months later she was pregnant. However, she lost the baby at five months to spontaneous abortion.
“The first one I didn’t really mind because you know you young and I just say I would get pregnant again because for me there was not really no problem. I am usually one who would get irregular periods so when I was pregnant the second time I did not even know until three months after. I got pregnant six months after I lost the first child and I lost the second four months into the pregnancy,” she said.
“It was hard for me the second time because then I say to myself that something was definitely wrong.”
Ten months later she was pregnant again and lost that child as well five months into the pregnancy.
“I cried a lot this time. I literally cried all the time,” she said.
I asked about her husband.
“He didn’t cry. To tell you the truth I never see this man cry and when I ask him about it he would say if both of us cry who would comfort who. He is kind of the stronger one but you know we women are different,” she answered.
“And then he [said] for him it does not matter so much if we got a child but I just had to get a child because you know as a woman that is how you feel that you have to get a child. And then I was taking care of my siblings since I was small, so I love children,” she continued.
But when she got pregnant the fourth time she was not ready.
“By that time, I was more active and doing things for myself and I was still young so I say when I settle I would try again but I was not on contraceptive so I got pregnant again a year later. By then I knew that I had to help the child to stay. I had to get a surgical suture,” she said.
A cervical cerclage, also known as a cervical stitch, is a procedure done prior or during pregnancy in which your doctor will sew your cervix closed.
“I did the suture and everything went well. Well I got help and I was almost on bed rest and I used to ensure that I don’t travel too much and so and the baby was well received. But then three months later I was pregnant. I didn’t know because I was exclusively breastfeeding and I was not seeing my health but the baby was there. This time it was harder because even though I had the suture I could not be on bed rest because I had a baby to look after,” she told me.
“I was like I can’t do anything about it and that was it. I know it was going to be hard because I couldn’t take any rest because I had a baby but I managed. The baby was born three days after her sister’s first birthday.
“After the second baby I said this was it for a while but still I was not on contraceptive but I was doing other things, you know, using a condom so not to get pregnant again. But two years later I was pregnant again.
“After the third baby I was thinking of the contraceptive but then I had chronic hypertension and my experience at the hospital was not good at all. My baby was in neonatal for two weeks because the nurses did not believe when I said I was ready. And then I had to go to another ward when she was in there because of bed space and there they had cancer patients and I remember a woman died there. It was so traumatic I did not want to go back to that hospital.
“So, we continue to try but I got pregnant a year later and I am four months now. We did not want another child right now. At first, I used to say I want a lot of children because I have a big family and all my relatives make a lot of children but then I changed my mind because I know children need more and you can’t give them when you have so many children.
“I do not believe in abortion so we knew we were keeping the baby but we know this is the last child we have to do something when the baby born. I am considering all the options and I have to do something.
“I know this is the last child because I know my body can’t take it. Like the first trimester of this pregnancy was so hard. This baby I could not keep anything down. I like to eat but imagine me not eating the whole day, it was hard. I know it has to be the last,” she said.
The sister said her young children need her energy and sometimes she is just too tired to give it to them.
“And when it becomes frustrating at times I would get angry with them and I know it is not right. I get a lot of support from my husband but sometimes it is overwhelming. He is all about the children. Sometimes I even get jealous because it is the children first all the time,” she said with light laughter.
The sister shared, however, that she suffers from anxiety.
“I think I am a jovial person and I try not to let anything really keep me down. But I suffer with bad anxiety. I used to get it when I was younger but since I got the first baby the anxiety got worse especially when I am stressed. It is not like calm anxiety, sometimes you can’t breathe. I would feel like I am stifling. It was so bad I had to see a psychiatrist, it helped but I still get the attacks.
“I had to learn on my own, did a lot of reading and so and now I can deal with it a little better. Maybe it is a good thing that I am talkative because in conversation I am more calm and helps me to relax. I write poems too, writing poems helps me to relax a lot. I am good at it. I have been writing poems since I was 12, it comes easily,” she shared with me.
Over the years this sister has been accepted into university twice but had to forego the opportunity because of the pregnancies.
“I would not be furthering my studies. For me, that time passed. I can’t handle it. I am hoping that the girls will be able to go further. For me this time is just [to] take care of my children,” she told me when asked if she was going to study.
I told her there is still time.
To people who might say she is making too many children, the sister had this to say: “I just tell them we does mind we children, we don’t ask for anything. Money is not an issue, it is not that we have everything but we support our children. We don’t pay rent, we don’t ask anybody for anything, we mostly give and that is a good thing when we can be lenders instead of borrowers.”
For this sister it is just about working and building a life for her children. She believes she has found the best man, not the perfect man, but the best for her and they will keep striving to build a life together. Kudos to this sister but I do hope for her sake and that of her young children that she does not have any more.
According to the Mayo Clinic, research suggests that beginning a pregnancy within six months of a live birth is associated with an increased risk of:
· Premature birth
· The placenta partially or completely peeling away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery (placental abruption)
· Low birth weight
· Congenital disorders
· Schizophrenia
· Maternal anemia
In addition, recent research suggests that closely spaced pregnancies might be associated with an increased risk of autism in second-born children. The risk is highest for pregnancies spaced less than 12 months apart.
“Closely spaced pregnancies might not give a mother enough time to recover from pregnancy before moving on to the next. For example, pregnancy and breastfeeding can deplete your stores of nutrients, particularly folate. If you become pregnant before replacing those stores, it could affect your health or your baby’s health. Inflammation of the genital tract that develops during pregnancy and doesn’t completely heal before the next pregnancy could also play a role,” the clinic warned.
So, if you are planning to start a family, be involved in some family planning, not just for you but also for your children.
