Whenever, as a child, I forgot my table manners or just general etiquette, I recall my elders nagging that it showed that I had no “broughtupsy”. The word refers to good manners and to have it indicates that a person was brought up “’well” and behaves in such a way that doesn’t offend.
It was easy to disregard this steady reminder as just a nagging bother because, in my young eyes, once I wasn’t physically hurting someone, it seemed petty for them to constantly dictate how and what I should be saying and doing. Some days I was just in no mood to lift my head up and say good afternoon to every single person and if anything ‘broughtupsy’ lessons were always taught and encouraged in a way that showed control and authority as opposed how it actually fostered connections and in its own way comforted the person on the receiving end.
Sure one can indeed say that displaying no form of broughtupsy might not physically harm someone, but what it does, in so many instances, is cause harm in a different way. It shows disregard for the other party and more than often leaves the person on the receiving end feeling insignificant. In certain cases, some may argue, it is harder to navigate certain complex situations while showing manners, as opposed to one’s everyday greeting. While I agree to a certain extent, I also believe that once we begin to observe a situation and a particular instance to be sticky and uncomfortable it should naturally signal to all of us that more care should be taken.
Managing broughtupsy gets even more complex when you are dealing with extended family members, taking into account cultural practices and traditions, all while trying to maintain your own values.
For many people the following tips may seem like a no-brainer but the mere fact that I continue to have these experiences means that we have either forgotten our manners or have become toxic in the way we advocate for our boundaries.
RSVP
If you have been invited somewhere as a couple and at the last minute an emergency comes up but your partner still attends without you, it’s not enough that you leave all of the explanations for him/her. Or worse yet, if it’s just you and you expect the person who invited you to be understanding. I get that emergencies happen, but, at the very least, if plans were made and especially if they involved the other person making preparations, you must call and express your regret. In addition, if you know you are unable to make it, don’t wait until the last moment to make the announcement, do it immediately.
Plan bragging
If you are planning a group activity and you are inviting other friends, don’t speak about it in the presence of someone you don’t want to invite for whatever reason. Not only does it come off as rude, but it can damage the foundation of your friendship. All group dynamics are different and people reserve the right to decide how they want to build them, but there is no need to be public about it.
Punctuality
Perhaps I have been living in Germany for way too long because now I arrive five minutes before the meeting time. This is not to say that we must adopt strict time policies for social occasions, but consistently showing up two hours late for every outing is disrespectful. After a while, the so-called excuses are hardly excuses anymore and could be read as you trying to spend as little time as possible with the party who invited you. It is so easy these days to practise this radical me-first attitude which people tend to pass off as self-care, but this is the very definition of poor self-care because it shows avoidance as opposed to demonstrating and finding solutions.
