I am due back at the desk shortly. But this column from November last year reminds us that we should be mindful of those we call friends. As someone recently told me, not everyone you know is a friend, some are just associates or acquaintances and they should be given the right label.
From time to time we hear the saying ‘women can be our own worst enemy’; meaning that often the most hurtful situation for a woman is created by another woman. Like you, I wonder why we cannot be more helpful and supportive towards each other.
I had watched a three-part TikTok video shared by a Jamaican woman chronicling a horrific experience of being drugged and raped and the catalyst was a woman she called friend. Here is what I transcribed from the audio:
“You know the saying, ‘keep your friends close and your enemy closer?’ It couldn’t be truer, it couldn’t be more true than in this particular situation.
“So a year ago…I went to Kingston to celebrate my friend’s birthday with her. While in Kingston you know it is a celebration, I don’t normally drink when I go out but we are in you know a contained environment, I am not leaving the location, I am with my friend. So I am saying, you know, ‘what’s the worst thing that can happen?’
“It then went on and the worst did happen.
“So after having two cups of something, the last cup I didn’t even finish it, because in the morning when I woke up it was still in the room. The person that throw out the drink for me is my friend’s person, her boyfriend, right. I am not thinking anything of it because like I said I am with my friend…
“Fast forward the following morning I woke up, I went to use the bathroom and my lady part, for the want of a better word, is burning. I went to [urinate)] and it is burning. I called my friend in the bathroom and I was telling her. She said to me, ‘Girl you nuh rememba nothing wha happen last night?’
“‘Am like wha you mean?’
“She said ‘You don’t rememba?’ I said ‘no I was drinking. No I don’t remember. You know I was drinking, you were there.’
“Anyways she then proceeded to tell me that her man had sex with me. Her (she had an incredulous look on her face) man had sex with me. This is somebody that I met a couple hours ago, I never spoke to this person, I have no relation to this person.
“She said this person had sex with me. In the moment like I didn’t know what to say, I kept asking her what happened. I asked if he used protection. She said yes.”
Part Two
“So this is part two
“So after she told me I was practically out of it, like out of it because she is taking it very lightly like this is something I consented to. For one, she said she was the one that took off my shorts, she took off my top. She said I was laughing the entire time. And when I said this to her she said how was she supposed to know that I was drunk.
“Mind you, Hennessey is something that I drink on a daily basis when I am home. It is a drink that I love, it is something that helps me to cope, right. So I know on a general day one cup or one and a half cup of it wouldn’t knock me out to the point where I don’t have any recollection of what happened.
“You know, I don’t know about anybody but I don’t think trauma have like a set reaction because at the moment I was just focused on trying to figure out what happened. When I asked her numerous times she said, I kept saying no, I was laughing. She said I wasn’t the one who took off my clothes. How is it that I wasn’t the one who took off my clothes, I was laughing, I was saying no and you thought I was consenting to something as this?
“Anyways the weekend went off, I came home, I realized that my body feels weird down there. I went to the doctor, I did blood tests the whole works. I spent quite a bit of money to do all of that.
“I called her and I told her I need to have a conversation with you. She said, ‘fine’. When I was talking to her she had like a very nonchalant reaction. I said like you know what this is, this is the end of our friendship, I am going to block you and that was it. She said, ‘okay fine’.
“After doing so the Sunday, this was like a week now, the Sunday her friend…her best friend reached out to me and said I should talk to this person. So am like talk to her why? It ended up like she told her friend like a completely different story from what actually happened.
“When I told her friend what happened, her friend said to me ‘this makes a lot more sense’…
‘Felt depressed’
“After which I was practically out of it, I felt depressed all the time. I had constant anxiety, I had suicidal thoughts, it was my first time having this experience.
“It was very hard, like very hard. I shut out everybody, my best friend. I just remember going somewhere and I just randomly telling this stranger everything. She said I should report it. Likewise when I tell my Dad when I had to go to the doctor. My Dad came to Jamaica for this reason, for me to go and report it, right. I couldn’t speak on it, it was like it didn’t process completely in my head.
“I couldn’t bring myself to report it. I know it was the right thing to do but here in Jamaica does it really make sense? It is going to end up being a court case, my name being published on social media, I don’t want any part of that drama, right.
“But it was very difficult, I thought of unaliving myself multiple times after this experience. And this person has moved on. This person is living their best life and I am left with this trauma to deal with,” she said, and, for the first time during the more than 11- minute video, tears were seen.
“For the past year I can’t say that I am completely healed but I am here telling you guys which is something.
“So that is my experience and I don’t know, I just felt like sharing today.
‘Understatement’
“To say that I haven’t been the same is an understatement. It is an understatement. Men, when you do stuff like this, it literally taints the female’s life. And for friends who would put your friend in a situation like this, I can speak for myself. This person literally broke me. Took a huge part of me, I haven’t been the same since. I haven’t recovered from it, it is a constant healing process and it is just draining. “On any given day if somebody should ask me if I am okay, I am going to tell you that I am fine even when I am not. I am saying this to say, check on your friends. The ones that are always smiling, the ones that are okay all the time, nobody is ever that fine all the time.
“And you know healing takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t take a year. Trauma recovery doesn’t have a set pace or path, but that is my experience. I hope to God nobody has to experience this pain, this, I wouldn’t want this for my worst enemy honestly.
“But social media is a platform to share things and I am choosing to share this experience for persons to be aware. Not everybody that comes around and says they are your friend are your friend. Listen to your intuition. If your mind tell you don’t go somewhere, don’t go, because I wished I listened. So that is the end of this sharing process, I don’t think I would be speaking on this again because like I said this is not my usual content and I would rather not speak on it again. But sharing this might just help somebody else, who knows. Have a good day.’
I hope this sister’s days are better and that she still thinks about holding that ‘friend’ and her boyfriend accountable for their heinous act. Speaking about trauma publicly could be therapeutic and I hope it has been for this sister as she continues to put the pieces back together. Heed her advice and listen to your intuition, it might just save you.
