Maybe it’s just my friends circle, but it currently feels as if everyone and their mother has a baby or one on the way and as much as I would like to tell myself and you the friendships will remain the same with just some extra planning; they evolve in a such a way that requires you to be re-introduced to a 2.0 version of your friend.
At the risk of sounding as if I am competing with a baby, it feels sometimes that to an extent you have officially lost your pre-mom friend forever, as conversations get constantly interrupted by curious toddlers inspecting their environment at brunch. Your friends’ restless minds may be defeated by mom guilt and outings turn to full-fledged strategy planning for fuss-free situation diffusers. And how can anything really be the same if the support pillars that your friendship has been built on don’t have enough strength to hold new weight. It is only natural that we recognise and accept the new codes of nurturing the friendship requires.
I suppose this is why mom groups become cliques. It is probably easier to develop friendships when you are on the same page and the unwritten codes and rules are naturally understood. I suppose, too, it’s easy to understand why childless adults drift away after kids come into the picture. Perhaps there is a realisation that this is a season that doesn’t accommodate you. Either way, I believe it is on the childless friend to extend the first wave of support to help cushion and strengthen the friendship in its tender stage when new moms are still figuring out their whole new life with a helpless dependent in tow.
Housekeeper and errand runner
This stage can feel as if you are the only one making an effort because not only is there mental labour involved to organise the tasks, but physical labour too.
This exchange can seem one-sided because unless your friend is physically there with you whilst you are doing it, it can feel like a thankless job. Try to see this as a form of support, which helps to give your friend one less thing to worry about.
Your friend’s plus one
Your friend’s child is an extension of her. Joking and visibly showing your frustration over an unsettled child will most likely not go down well. This can feel frustrating because you are trying to understand the best circumstances under which you can resume your friendship. Contrary to popular belief, moms too, even when they don’t admit (because of mom guilt) miss their old selves at times. Try to show support through admiration and care for the child. This doesn’t necessarily mean hands-on taking care of the child, but ensure you highlight the positives of having a new third wheel best friend and dedicate a little effort into sweet gestures. If you would have your friend’s favourite drink at your home, then also stock a few diapers and wipes. In other words, your friend’s baby has to be treated like a friend for this friendship to evolve.
Birth story vs your night out
At this tender stage, try to have some patience when it comes to delving straight into the details of what you have been up to. Childbirth is a traumatic experience for most people and even if it isn’t, there are many hormonal changes taking place. It would serve best to listen or even offer up questions that help your friend to feel seen. Whilst most people are curious about the new baby, the mother needs to feel validated and heard as she adjusts.
On the flip side, your friends may find your stories intriguing and see them as an escape from the constant feed-change-nap routine, so indulge if they ask.
This period of the friendship can feel lonely and one sided and maybe even after all of the support you may never ever truly find a balance that feels like before.
But perhaps it can lead you down a new path that allows you to discover new layers to your friendship and truly embrace community in all its complex glory.
