“I have been married for years and it is like I don’t know if I can just leave and go. Sometimes I ask myself and go where? Go to who?”
The questions were asked even as tears rolled down her cheeks.
This is a mother in her late 30s whose husband is openly unfaithful to her. At first it came as a shock but months later, she is now just trying to take it one day at a time.
“Is like I know this man has a woman. First it was another woman and it took me a while to find out. But then things calm down and now is this one and it is like he don’t care anymore,” she said.
“I would beg him. I would ask him to think about our family and this man would just look at me with a blank expression. Everybody talking to he, but like he bent on doing what he wants to do.”
I asked her about leaving.
“Leaving and go where? I have nowhere to go,” she answered.
I told her that it is not a healthy situation for her or the children.
“When I got marry, it was never to divorce. If he want leh he go then,” she said crying.
She cried for a while before she spoke again.
“I understanding what you saying and it is something I have to think about but is like I don’t know how. Like every time I think about it I would just like don’t know what to do. He would have to go and start over because I am not going to take my children away from the only home they know.
“So if he wants to move on then let him do so. A lot of times he don’t even come home anymore and I try not to think about where he is. Well deep down inside I know where he is and there is nothing I could do about it,” she told me.
“In the past I used to think that we had such a perfect family. I not saying that we never used to get quarrel and so we used to get we problems but never in my wildest dreams I ever think I would get woman problems.
“He is the only man I ever know and I just think that he is the man for me forever. Like how I could go and get another man?” she asked, not expecting an answer.
“When growing up, I would always say just like my parents I would never get divorce and it is like I hold on to that. But how this man behaving now is like that is the only road we could take. I would beg he so much and tell he to think about the children but is like this woman just tek he over.”
We chatted for a while and then she indicated she wanted to rest.
“Sleep is very hard now. Is like when I lie down to sleep is them brains overworking and my heart does feel so heavy. Before, I used to try so that the children would not really know but now I can’t keep it a secret. They would ask when he gone out and don’t come back but up to now I can’t bring me self to tell them what really happening.
“But seeing me crying most of time and is like I can’t get to rest I know they hurting but like I can’t do nothing to help them,” she said.
“I know it is time to do something and I asking for help and hopefully I could get some soon and let me just do what I have to do. I don’t want to do it but what more could happen now, like they say is now or never,” she continued.
I remain worried for the sister and her family. She told me that her husband is not interested in counselling. I know she is not at the point of letting go but I suggested to her that she seek counselling to help her at least to heal.
Couples face myriad issues and in many cases, infidelity is the top one. If you are enduring anything similar to this sister here is some advice from the Mayo Clinic.
It is not a one size fits all but it may help one sister or even two, that is if their spouses are on the same page.
From the Mayo Clinic:
Mending a marriage
Recovering from an affair can be one of the most challenging times in a marriage. This challenge may come with mixed feelings and uncertainty. But as spouses rebuild trust, take responsibility for their actions, resolve conflict and forgive, the process may deepen and strengthen love and affection.
Consider these steps to promote healing:
◉ Don’t decide right away. Before choosing to continue or end a marriage, take the time to heal and understand what was behind the affair.
◉ Be accountable. If you were the one who cheated, take responsibility for your actions. End the affair, and stop all contact with the person with whom you had the affair. If the affair involved a co-worker, limit contact to business only. If that’s not possible, consider getting another job.
◉ Consult a marriage counsellor. Seek help from a licensed therapist who is trained in marital therapy and who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. Marriage counselling can help put the affair into perspective, identify issues that might have contributed to the affair, teach ways to rebuild and strengthen the relationship, and help avoid divorce — if that’s the goal.
◉ Get help from several sources. Seek support from nonjudgmental, understanding friends or family members. Spiritual leaders also may be helpful if they have training in marriage counselling. Reading about the topic can be useful. But not all self-help books are equally helpful. Ask a marriage counsellor or other professional for reading recommendations.
◉ Restore trust. Make a plan to restore trust that may lead to reconciliation. Agree on a timeline and process. If you were unfaithful, admit guilt and seek forgiveness. If your partner was unfaithful, offer forgiveness when you are able. Together, seek understanding.
If you are both committed to healing the relationship, the reward may be a new type of marriage that will continue to grow and likely go beyond your previous expectations.
