“I have been single for so long that it is now even strange to think about starting a relationship. I am not saying that it will not happen again, but for now it is just strange.”
The last was said with a wry laugh, which perhaps expressed both joy and sadness. At 46 and the mother of grown children, this sister has been single for a few years.
“I was married at a very young age and had my children early. The marriage did not last. I can’t say I was really sad when I made it end because I never wanted to marry him, my parents made me and that was it. So, for me, the marriage was not a love thing, I was not even ready to get married, looking back I was so young…,” she said, trailing off.
I have known this sister for quite some time and for a while, according to her and from what I have observed, she has had no significant other, but ensures that she enjoys life the best way she knows how.
“After I leave my husband, I can tell you I was like searching for love. I was still very young but had four children too so it was very hard. It was like I was a rolling stone because I didn’t really have any education, never work but had children to support. So, it was me looking for love and looking for survival too,” she related during one of our many conversations.
“I would take any job I could and it was like I could take any man that show interest too. I don’t even want to think about some of the men I had in my life. Because when I look back is like I don’t want to think about them.”
She has lived a life that can fill the pages of many books. Some of her experiences I can’t share here, because she did not give permission but she wanted to talk about ‘surviving’ without a man for quite a few years.
“Growing up you always see the women around marry and have children. Even if they husband dead or them break up they would find another man. I hardly use to see like a woman without a man. And what I grow up seeing is how the man would beat the woman, like looking back I don’t think I really see a happy family life. But the thing was that the woman always had a man. So, when me and my husband break up it was like I had to get another man.
“Yes, I had to get help with my children but the big thing for me too was to get a man in my life and so it was me always looking for one. And of course, it was like one man after the other because men don’t really want a woman with children, especially if they barely making it in this life. So is me trying one after the other,” she said with a sad shake of her head.
“I had to be moving from place to place, trying to make it in this life. And because of that my children didn’t really get to go to school properly because it was always about survival. But thank God they grow up and they might not be smart with big jobs and so but they all have a stable life and they are hard working.
“So that was my life at one time, I not shame to say it was one man after the other. Maybe I was looking for love on the one hand but on the other I did need the help to support my children. But in the end, all I get was a lot of heartache and more hardship. You know, we don’t get to do it over again, but if I could, it would not be the same.
“As the children get big and start taking care of themselves, I realise that it doesn’t make sense. But you know deep down inside it was like I still had this longing like I want somebody to really love me. All my life is like I didn’t get this and it would be lonely because the children moving on them own.
“I was still working because I had to live. And it was like one day I say to myself just stop trying if it is for you, it is for you. And it is now more than five years since I had somebody in my life. I not saying that I don’t feel lonely sometimes… But to tell you the truth I don’t think I ever feel this good about myself.
“Now I wondering why I had those men. None of them made me feel good about myself. It was always a fight down and a tear down. I does get offers yes but I not ready and sometimes I just does enjoy being by myself. People would ask me how I could be home by myself but they don’t know how I just love it. I think maybe because I grow up in a full house and it was marriage and children right away and me always looking for a man that now like I really getting to know myself.
“The children all gone and it is just me and God alone. And it really doesn’t bother me anymore. I believe we as women, sometimes we feel that we have to get a man, but that is not how it should be. And like I say when growing up all the women, old and young, had somebody and maybe that is why I used to think that is what I had to do.
“Now I just not looking. If God say I will get one then so be it. If not I am just going to live my life and live it to the fullest. Not to the fullest like other people, everybody has to get they own fullest and so for me it is just peace and a stress-free life. I don’t want to have plenty worries. With life, some of that must come, but I just want a peaceful existence, that is my fullest,” she said with a smile.
I get this sister. She is not bashing men, she is not saying they are not important to us. She just has not found the ‘right one’ and she is comfortable with not ever finding him. If she does, she will be happy, if not she is still happy. She is living her fullest life. Let us all strive to live our lives to the fullest, as we see fit and with what makes us the happiest.
