A little over halfway into Bell Hooks’ book “All About Love: New Visions”, and my mind cannot stop reshuffling memories of my past relationships, friendships, family dysfunction, and my own shortcomings when it comes to consistently enacting a love ethic in all aspects of my life.
The book doesn’t only offer a more holistic approach to love in which it centres community and society, but it painstakingly shows how capitalism and an absence of love have slowly chiselled away at our abilities, practices and all the ingredients necessary for love, leaving us with a sense of emptiness even when we believed we found and knew love.
When most of us hear the word love, romance and wedding bells are the things that tend to rush immediately to our thoughts. The idea of love is often only talked about in terms of romantic relationships or parental bonds. It is often seen as a woman’s role of showing, enacting and something that is innate from the moment we were born.
Using babies as an example, Hooks argues that they respond to affectionate care way before language develops, but affection is only one ingredient to the cook-up that is love. For love to truly be practised, there needs to be portions of recognition, respect, trust, care, and commitment alongside truthful and honest communication.
For so many of us, the meaning of love gets changed and redefined as we grow older and it’s these varying approaches to love that often miss a few of the ingredients and cause emotional distress and pain resulting in a knock-on and domino effect. Essentially, by this definition, love is a dedication to your own growth or that of those around you. It remains a delicate balance of throwing in every single ingredient, even in the areas where you least expect it.
This book allows you to feel a special sort of guilt. Not the sort of guilt that you’re ashamed of, but rather one which is more enlightening.
Though every page is a masterpiece, here a few lines that served as food for thought:
Most psychologically and/or physically abused children have been taught by parenting adults that love can coexist with abuse.
Our definition and very understanding of love is shaped from childhood. It is exactly what we cling to and sometimes even what we gravitate towards. To unlearn this involves coming to reality that from the inception we were never truly loved in love’s full capacity. To love truly and wholesomely, first and foremost, the definition of what and how to love must be known, so not only can it lead us, but steer us back when there is a roadblock
Without justice there can be no love.
Hooks argues that the private dwelling is one that can be easily autocratic. Reflecting back on my own life, it is true that rarely ever do outsiders intervene. We often speak about wanting the village but turn our noses up when family or friends intervene. Usually, opting for a reward and punishment style parenting approach, love is portrayed as something to be earned. In exchange here we give children their first lessons in domination and control. Completely overriding respect and care we teach them dangerous lessons in humiliation; when power is wielded and there no checks and balances
A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well.
The habit of not caring and preserving self alone is selfish but it’s one that is trendy and often suggested as an alternative to not dealing with the harshness of a loveless world or to protect one’s mental health. Now more than ever, it’s easier to turn a blind eye, to switch off the news and to stay oblivious to suffering. Hooks invites us to see our lives as interconnected and bound together. Our decisions, however big or small, should then therefore always be made with consideration for people and places we are linked to, regardless of whether the decisions are private. Can we even begin to imagine a world with such love? By removing fear and a lack of courage, we don’t get a life that is difficult, but rather one where we are forced into selfishlessness.
I’m not sure if I will ever be able to consistently live up to Bell Hooks’ approach to love but in more than one way I feel guided by this masterpiece on definitely how to improve.
