“I really did think like when they get big you know things would get easier because you know I wouldn’t have to do things for them like before and you know we would just live and support one another.
“But is like they get bigger and things getting worse because they not doing what I tell them to do and they just doing them own thing and just spending time on phone and watching TV.”
This sister has been raising daughters on her own for several years. They know their father and he contributes here and there but it has practically been her and them as he is not involved in their day-to-day life.
“It was never something I want; to be like a single mother. Growing up I always used to say I want me children to grow with mother and father, but you know how life go, I still end up being one. All my children is for one man but I still single,” she told me recently.
I asked her if she regretted having children.
“I wouldn’t say I regret because I love me children. But I wish it was like different, that both of we together raising them children but that is that. At first it was hard because the money was not coming and you had to buss you head to get things done. I was working hard but money was never enough, but back then at least they used to listen to me.
“I like to have my place neat and clean and is so I grow them up. We get lil but yes but the place must be clean because for me when the place nasty I would feel like I going mad so it is always cleaning and so. And I is a good cook, me been cooking since I was a child, so I would always try with whatever lil bit we get to cook nice and so.
“And I would say I training them so when they get big they would do what they see me doing and we would get a better life. I always make sure I send them to school because I didn’t want them end like me. I want them to get good work and so, not for me but for them so they don’t have to punish and depend on man,” she told me.
“But you see now them children getting big is like I quarrelling more than before. Them don’t clean the room like before, I have to be behind them all the time and if you give them a chance they wouldn’t even do it. But not in me house, so I does dey behind them,” she said angrily.
“If you does hear me mouth. I believe that the neighbours does say is a mad woman living in duh house. But it hard when I working all them hours and you come home and expect things to do. I would tell them what to do. But yet when I come in, then they hustling to do it or it ain’t do at all.
“Girl, let me tell you something, sometimes I would even cry because it does hurt me. I would sit down and cry and ask them why and they would look at me like if I is a mad woman. The pain sometimes I does just want to give up because you trying so hard and you just asking them to keep the place clean and they can’t do it,” she said, sounding frustrated.
I asked her if she has any other issues like having to go to the school for their behaviour. It is not that I was attempting to trivialise what she was experiencing.
“Well I can’t lie, never, never. Since they in primary school I never would get any problem. Anytime you go to the school they would tell you they is good children. And now in secondary school is the same thing. I never get call. I can’t go to the schools steady but you know I in the WhatsApp groups and I would find out. And they does do them school work to, you know. Because when I get the report cards all work does do. One a them does do really good, but the other two not so good but they never fail or anything.
“They never absent from school and so that is one thing I could always say,” she said with a slight smile.
I was happy that this sister was seeing something to smile about. I have heard so many horror stories of children not attending school when they left to go and of parents having to go look for them after school hours because they failed to return home. It is not about me telling her to count her blessings one by one because I understood her frustration and pain, but it is good to see positives too.
We sat in silence for a while because maybe she was reflecting on the question I posed.
“Look, I know some parents does get problems with them children and going to school and I does thank God so far that is not a problem I have. I have a workmate like she does be calling whole day to make sure she daughter and son in school. I don’t even make no call because as far as I know they in school,” she said after a while.
“But them have to do the other things too. Not because them is girl because if was boys it would be the same, the house must be clean. Them room have to be clean. How you can live in something like a pig pen? Since growing up me mother would tell we, not because we poor we place must be nasty and is so I try to grow them children.
“When we been growing up we couldn’t think about getting the place nasty but these children these days. And they can be rude to you know. The big one does want to answer me because she think she more smart than me. You know, I didn’t go far in school but… I does tell she two woman can’t live in the same house,” she continued.
“I does thank God for me children but I does pray and ask he for them to do better. I know me not perfect and I make mistakes but I does try to be the best and all I want them to do is obey and things would be good. I not telling them to do anything bad or to do so much work that it will be hard is just the simple housework and that is all. And I does tell them if they do things right away and put back things where it suppose to be then is less work,” the sister added.
I agreed with her and encouraged her to continue to talk to them and scold where necessary. Look, parenting is difficult. And when it is one parent then it becomes more difficult. I congratulated her for ensuring that the children remain in school and the fact that she works to ensure this happens. The sister later told me that she does not have the time or money to do anything for herself. It is unfortunate but that is the sacrifice many parents have to make for their children. I encouraged her, however, that even if it is three times a year, find time and squeeze a little money out to do something for herself. Go for a walk with a friend; go on a church trip. As women we can’t just allow ourselves to be lost in raising our children, in being mothers and wives. Those are important responsibilities but some time for ourselves is also important. It is a new year, let us do a little for ourselves.
