“Realise that the hardest step in achieving anything is making a true commitment” – Tony Robbins
If the divorce and separation rates across the globe are anything to go on, then the advice from life coach/ motivational speaker Tony Robbins’ seems to be falling on deaf ears. According to the website Divorce.com the most common reasons cited for divorce (in those countries where the phenomenon is highest) are: domestic violence (23.5 percent), substance abuse (34.6), financial hardship (36.7), marrying too young (45.1), irreconcilable differences (57.7), infidelity (59.6), lack of commitment (75).While these reasons are not surprising, the percentage provided for the lack of commitment does leap off the page.
Long-term commitment to any endeavour, whether it be marriage, career, exercise programme or hobby is not an easy task, and it requires ongoing personal discipline in the short term. In today’s world of social media and smartphones, new patterns of non-commitment are evolving – notably in the younger generation – which should spark cause for concern. The effects of these disrespectful disappearing acts are rippling across society, as they become more commonplace between employer and job seeker, and in personal relationships. These spin-offs of the social media culture have added new vocabulary to the everyday lexicon of life: ghosting, breadcrumbing, submarining and orbiting.
The common thread running through these actions is the abrupt disappearance of one party with no explanation, accountability, or closure provided. The most popular of these traits displayed on social media platforms is ‘ghosting’, which is loosely defined as someone discontinuing a relationship through silence, and it is considered an indirect method of relationship termination. This boorish practice is apparently becoming more routine in the employment world, where new hires are no-shows, and employers suddenly cease corresponding with job seekers even after a round or two of interviews. The convenience of social media facilitates ‘hiding behind a screen’ and avoids the hassle of a potential confrontation with simply the click of a button.
Explanations offered for these actions are often limited to the stock answer ‘everyone is doing it.’ The perpetrators of these transactional activities most likely never contemplate the effects on those ‘ghosted’. Depending on the nature or the depth of the relationship, or at what stage the potential employment opportunity was at, the act of being ‘ghosted’ can lead to mental and emotional pain.
Being confused and lacking closure can trigger self doubt and uncertainty over whether the problem is with one’s self. In worse-case scenarios, disappearing acts can lead to disenfranchised grief, a term coined by grief researcher, Dr Kenneth Doka. As victims wade through different levels of grief they must confront various stages of anger, confusion, sadness and acceptance. If one feels betrayed or misled, it can lead to losses in the trust and decency of people, and even the loss of the initiative of doing the right thing.
The manipulation and exploitation of persons via social media – tailor-made for political campaigns – will only increase with the passage of time. The art of the online ‘con game’ and the subsequent vanishing act will become more sophisticated on unsuspecting victims. Safeguarding one’s family from such individuals is not an easy exercise. Recognising people who are of the dark triad type – possessing the cluster of three negative personality traits, Machiavellianism, sub-clinical narcissism and psychopathy – is not a straightforward exercise since they are very clever and manipulative, and quite ruthless in their exploitation of those whom they regard as light switches to be switched on and off.
Max Ehrmann suggested in his poem ‘Desiderata’ that we, “Nurture strength of spirit” to shield us “in sudden misfortune”. This is the type of nurturing that we must increasingly offer to our children and mentees to help them develop the fortitude to guard against falling prey to charlatans in the employment, political or social sphere.
