“As unbelievable as it sounds, my mother does not support me furthering my education. I don’t know what it is but not only her, other family members would say things like ‘studying too much would make you go mad’ and I just can’t comprehend how my family could think like that.”
The words of a young woman who is in her twenties, attending university and also working. She is very focused on her goals and knows what she wants in life but has had to battle all her life just to move from one day to the other. Those close to her, even her mother, do not understand her desire to rise above poverty.
“I know a long time that it will take education to get me from that point in my life. I knew I didn’t want to just be somebody’s baby mother and live in the same house I grew up in like all my cousins and even my siblings. I knew I wanted more, but the hardest thing was them not understanding why I wanted more.
“You know they would tell me things like I could get a child, I don’t have to get married just get a child. And I would be like why? I grow without my father. Why would I want to have any child growing without their father? I mean if it happens it happens but I would not just set out to have a child out of wedlock,” she told me in a recent conversation.
For this young woman it has been a constant battle and one that she has not won as yet but one she believes she is more equipped to fight.
“I know what I want in life and I am going after it,” she told me.
But the biggest victory for her right now is the fact that she has been able to shut out the literal and figurative noises around her and remain on her trajectory of achieving an education. Getting a job and being allowed a small physical space albeit with her relatives around her, has really allowed her to remain focused and sane.
“I like music, gospel to be exact, there are a few that would calm my soul, the lyrics would like hit home,” she told me when I asked her how she does it.
“I listened to it every single day of my life; it has been my day one remedy. Prayer and worshipping brought me a mighty long way. There are days when they [her relatives] would carry on their sessions but I would just lock myself in there and literally not focus on the noise,” she continued.
I asked her if being pushed to have children has somehow persuaded her not to have any.
“I want to have children but in the right way, not just get a man and he is not committed, I want to be married first,” she answered quickly.
‘No idea’
For her, her mother gave her siblings more than she gave her and she cannot understand why.
“I have no idea, at first I used to think it was because of my father who left her when I was a few months old. But at this point there is more to it than that. My other siblings, their father left too so why me?” she asked rhetorically.
“I never go to her for advice. My mother and I never had a one-on-one conversation about myself, about how I feel, never, never. I am very independent but she forced me to be that way,” she shared.
If she is to have that one-on-one conversation?
“I would ask her why did she reject me, that is one. Two, why didn’t you give me the education and give me a second chance I needed?” she said to me.
Many times she cried because that was the only avenue of release she had.
“They saw crying as weakness, but it was never about weakness, it was me being angry and not being able to do anything about it. But it was because they are family and as soon as I cried, it was: you like cry. Our family would say things like crying does cross them. And my mother felt that she could have disrespected me because I was always crying. Today I don’t cry that much,” she said.
“Some days I still wonder how I am going to make it, I get frustrated but try not to focus on that because I was depressed at one time. It was a whole dark place you know when you wake up your mind is racing and you don’t want to face the day so I try to just focus on getting over any stumbling block and not overthinking it,” she reasoned.
Aspirations
Seeing professionals functioning in their space has really helped her to remain on the journey she started as a little child. A journey that is far from completed but she vows to remain on the track.
“My aspirations grow when I see nurses, or doctors or any well-dressed professional operating in their space. That makes me feel more driven and I want education more,” she said to me.
Her mother not being her cheerleader but more as a stumbling block took a while for her to accept.
“Sometimes I just have to forget it is my mother and just see her as a stumbling block to my success,” she said candidly.
“Maybe. I don’t know, but maybe it was because she didn’t have an education but I know of mothers who didn’t have but want their children to be better. But it is like she wants her children to be just like her and unfortunately most of them are. There is no drive in them to do better,” she further related.
Her mother had a job but never progressed and she did not get an opportunity to further her education.
“Their mother did not have the money to push them that far. So she went into that job, and just lived a road life, get a man for life to pay her bills and then just believed I think that education was not important.
“You know, she told me that she had a man to pay the light bill, pay the water bill and buy food. As her daughter listening to that made me feel bad and I knew I didn’t want to be like her, I wanted to be better,” she said. Speaking about her dreams she had this to say:
“I really want to be an impactful person to society and not just to be a normal professional but to be able to meet people from all backgrounds, despite their religion, culture belief, what they went through and are going through. Especially people who are suicidal and depressed,” she said.
“There were days when I thought if I don’t exist then they [her relatives] wouldn’t feel any way because I was there and I was like an invisible person. There were days when I thought about it but I never acted on those thoughts, I never cut myself out anything but the thoughts were there.
“That happened when I didn’t have someone to understand what I was going through, people think it was all lies. They would tell me things like the bible say honour your mother, and a mother is never wrong. Those were things people around me said.”
But then a relative who lived abroad believed in her and not only listened to her but provided the means for her to have a second shot at her education and she did not disappoint.
“I found someone who listened and understood what I was going through and they gave me that second chance that I needed. I have come a mighty long way. I am stronger, wiser, I make better decisions and I know what I want in this life,” she shared with me.
Focused
“I am just focused on achieving all that I have planned. Today my mind is more open to ideas.
I never really suffered from low self-esteem but back then I thought I was not the best thing ever. But now I value myself more, despite what people say, and it pushes me to think even more.
“I would be launching my business soon. I was thinking about it for a long time but I didn’t really believe in myself. But you know a stranger helped me to reach a point that I know I would do it,” she said.
This sister has the most beautiful head of natural hair I have even seen. She met the stranger twice who literally demanded that she launch a natural hair line or just sell what she puts in her hair.
“That woman definitely helped me to reach this point and I am going to launch that business,” she pledged.
“I am at the point of achieving my goals that I worked tirelessly for. I am at that point where the goals are being accomplished. It makes me feel, it is like a feeling I really can’t describe. Because some days I would think about all that happened. At first, I would have been in disbelief but now I feel strong. Strong could be an underestimation really. I could remember a friend telling me I am not human because ‘you are going through so much and you would still smile and make it’,” she said.
“But I am human. Lately I think some of my emotions are dormant. They are not dead but dormant. There is nothing that someone can come and say to me and make me feel bad and fall into a state of depression or cry over something. The only thing that would probably make me cry now is when I graduate with my degree, to know that I came this far,” she said with a smile.
“I don’t know if my mother is going to be happy but I would be really happy to know that I am the first in the family to [graduate].
“My relatives feel a basic lifestyle is it. They would talk about people who are excelling but for them to push themselves or put in the work, no. I want more and I am working for more,” she said.
I can only wish this sister all the best, she knows what she wants and she is working towards it. Kudos to her for her being a lily in the swamp.
