“Sometimes I does really can’t decide because I understand, yeah, that I have to put my children first but then again how it can be selfish for me to want to at least get some joy out of life. I does work hard day and night, just to try and provide for me and them children and a lot of time is not enough.
“I going to work and coming home and then going to work again. That is all I do in this life and sometimes I does just feel so lonely and I does want to have somebody in me life. I not telling no lie that is how I does feel.”
The words of a single divorced mother, who, years after she has separated from her former husband, has not been in a long-standing relationship. It is not for lack of trying; in fact, maybe she has tried too hard. Whatever it is, the relationships she has tried have not worked out and she has taken some flak from her relatives for exposing her children to multiple men. I recently had a conversation with her in an effort to understand how she feels.
“I know what me family saying, but sometimes I does ask me self, and I telling you the truth, what will happen to me when the children grow up and they gone. I am still young and I does need somebody in me life. But I not no careless person with me children. I would talk to them and I does do everything to make sure that, you know, nobody can’t interfere with them.
“If that is to happen I would can’t forgive me self,” she told me.
I told her that most times mothers do not set out to have partners who abuse their children and it is important that she really believes that the relationship will last and that she does some investigation on her prospective partner.
“Well I kind of understand what you saying and it is the same thing me family them does tell me but how long you suppose to date somebody before they can visit you home?” she asked.
I was not sure how to answer her question and I didn’t/.
“Remember, for me is just work and home really and no man would wait months, and months before they can come home by you and so on,” she said, probably answering her own question in the process.
I asked her how many men she would expose her children to.
“It is not that I want to but I does feel lonely, you know, and all I does do is work and more work. What about me getting some joy in this life? I would work and give me children everything I have and then they would get big and move on and it would just be me,” she countered.
“I get marry very young and had my children and now I does kind of ask myself what kind of life I had really. Before I was home with my mother and father then I marry young and so I was a wife and mother and then the marriage didn’t work out. Is now me and the children and I love me children but I not suppose to love me to?” she asked rhetorically. It was like the sister was working overtime to get me to understand her perspective and maybe I did up to a point.
But for me when we have children they are our first priority and as difficult it might be in some instances their joy triumphs ours. As the saying goes they didn’t ask to be here, we brought them and it is for us to ensure that they get the best childhood so that they can grow up to be well-adjusted, productive citizens of this world.
I explained the above to her not in so many words.
“Yes, I get what you saying,” she responded. “But children does be ungrateful to, because I see some mothers give them children them all and then they get big and just turn them backs. I not saying that my children would do the same thing but sometimes I does worry about that. I don’t want to end up just being old and lonely.” I understood her fear but I told her that maybe she would have grandchildren and that she could live with one of her children.
“Well, I don’t want to just live so I can take care of grandchildren. I looking after my children but I don’t want when they get them children that they would think I just there to help them with the children,” she told me.
“Look I don’ t know how it would all turn out and I just thank God that so far I didn’t have nobody that was bad to my children or anything. But I can’t promise me family that I would not try to get another man, I does need somebody in me life,” she told me.
I suggested that maybe she could see someone out of the home for a while if it is that important to her and not expose her children to the individual. I also asked her if any of the men she had relations with improved her way of life.
“Well no not really, people don’t really want woman with children and so them that show interest they barely making it to,” she answered.
So I asked if it was worth it.
“Maybe some people would say that it not worth it because what really the man bringing to your life. But what I bringing to he life to? Children and barely making it to? I say if I find somebody who like committed maybe we could work together and build life together,” she told me.
“And big man ain’t guh want to have to go and get hotel and so they would want to have a home setting,” she said to my suggestion of having her relationship outside of the home.
I had to control my emotions as I conversed with this sister as I certainly did not agree with her way of thinking. But I reminded myself that I have not walked in her shoes and as such I may not understand her line of thinking. As a mother, for me it is about our children first and ourselves second. As much as it may be difficult at times. That is just how it is supposed to be; parents are expected to put their children first.
I can only hope that this sister’s children come to no harm, though I believe her exposing them to different men has already harmed them emotionally. But I hope that they are not abused in any form and that this sister finds a man willing to build life with her. It seems that is what she needs. Perhaps we all need this at some point in our lives. But when do we come to a point of realization that, maybe it is not for everyone and instead work on ourselves and find other avenues to living life to the fullest?
