The headline aptly describes motherhood. While it can be considered the most important job in the world, motherhood (or parenting) is mostly learnt on the job. While some women attend parenting classes and may read books to prepare them to become mothers, it is never enough.
Today as we celebrate motherhood, sisters, let us reflect on how we have learnt, sometimes through pure grit and resilience. And while we may not always get it right most of us are happy with the ‘product’: a productive citizen of society. I dare say that is the greatest wish of all mothers; that their children grow up healthily and become productive in this world of ours.
As I salute all mothers today, I want to share below the struggle of one mother which was first published here in December 2018.
“Sometimes I just get so frustrated as a mother that I wonder why I get children. You know especially when the children not listening to me and I feel like if I just going around in circles. Why they must not listen to me and want to do what they want?” she asked, not expecting an answer.
The frustration she spoke about was very evident in her face, her eyes were closed and the wrinkles on her forehead prominent.
A mother for over ten years, she did not begin the journey as a teenager, but believes she was not ready for motherhood at the time. I approached her after I observed how she reprimanded one of her children in public. The manner in which she did it made it clear that this was a frustrated mother.
Now don’t get me wrong, most women, myself included, will tell you that there are days when motherhood can be quite frustrating especially when our children do not do the things we want them to do. Of course, it does not mean that we love our children less.
However, there was something about this woman that moved me to approach her even though I was a bit hesitant initially because making an already angry woman angrier is inviting her wrath and in my case it would have been public.
But I was surprised. I approached her quietly and asked in a gentle tone if all was well. She immediately paused from reprimanding the child, who by then was close to tears; she herself was almost shaking.
When she looked at me I told myself I was about to get a verbal public beatdown, but instead I saw sadness.
She was silent for a while and I was about to walk off as the child by now was obviously uncomfortable — he seemed to be about four years old and his mother had a tight grip on him. An older child stood close by.
“It is so hard sometimes,” were the first words she uttered, although I am not too sure because she spoke so quietly.
I gestured to a nearby bench and we sat for a while and chatted.
I asked her why she was being so harsh to her son.
“He always want everything. As soon as we leave the house, always want and when you tell him no is always a bigger problem. I can’t afford to give him everything and even if I could, I would not give him everything but he can’t understand,” she said angrily.
“You think it easy? The big one is not so much problem but he and all he not doing well in school and it is frustrating too… He don’t really give me too much trouble, but the lil one is like he come to done trouble,” she explained.
She paused as the troublemaker approached her and indicated that he wanted to go home.
“Boy, when I ready we would go,” she retorted and he rejoined his older sibling.
“Is just the three of we, you know. The father don’t care if they dead or alive and I work hard to give them what they need but like is never enough. I know we does get bad days but like I does want know if they understand what I have to go through,” she continued.
I wanted to tell her at that point that it was her responsibility to care for them and that they might be too young to appreciate her struggles but this would change when they got older. But I said nothing and listened instead.
“Look the time and is now we going home and we leave the house since this morning.
But I have to work and is because I didn’t want to buy something for he to eat that he start behaving so in public and embarrassing me,” she added.
Maybe he was hungry, I suggested but she quickly informed that he had something to eat before she left her place of employment.
“Is not that he hungry is that he see and just want, all the time he just want.
“And is time like them I does ask me self if I is a good mother because this child never seem satisfied. To be honest I don’t think I was ready for motherhood and every day like I keep telling me self this thing but it is not like it would make a difference,” she added.
She then asked if I had children and responding in the affirmative I also quickly informed her that I had bad days too. This appeared to have her thinking for a while.
“Maybe if the father was around it would be better but he was never really there for the big one and I still can’t explain how I get the second one but now he is not there at all and is just me alone,” she said.
“But you know is me children I have to do what have I do. I love them but sometimes I just want somebody to love me too but I have to keep pressing on with them. I don’t want nothing to happen to them you know, I love them.”
I nodded, telling her I knew she loved her children.
“But I want them to listen. Is not like I telling them anything bad. I want them, especially the little one, to behave good in public,” she continued almost pleadingly.
She looked at her watch at that point and I saw the little one returning. She allowed him to stand between her legs and he rested his head on her breast.
“Well I think I have to go now, thank you for listening to me,” she said quietly, and with some amount of effort, rose to her feet. Without her calling him the older child approached and they slowly walked away.
I sat a while looking at the three figures becoming smaller before I rose to my feet and left. She shared more information with me but since I did not inform her that I was a journalist and that I was using part of what she told me for publication, I decided to leave it out.
One thing I do know is that all mothers have bad days. As someone said to me recently, motherhood does not come with a blueprint and while it is one of the most important jobs in our lives it is the one where most of us learn on the job. There is no training school to become a mother and while it is encouraged to read extensively when thinking of becoming one, no one is ever fully prepared for the job.
We do our best and hope that it is enough but in the long run most times children just need our love and attention. In many cases, especially for working mothers and those who are single, attention is not always readily available. But we have to keep doing what we are doing to the best of our abilities. And mothers it is never too late to learn, let’s keep learning on the job.”
Happy Mother’s Day sisters, however you spend this day (even if it is working as I am) take time out to salute yourself. It is not easy but it is indeed one of the most rewarding roles of our lives. Chin up, take a breath and just enjoy being a mother,.
