Recently I have seen quite a few sisters speak of their journeys to success; whether in education, business or just escaping an abusive relationship. What stood out for me is how some sisters are made to fight the proverbial ‘tooth and nail’ to get to their comfort zone and how often it is the men who they let into their lives who are the biggest battles.
Below I share two poignant experiences from two sisters on Facebook; one from Guyana and another farther afield. Because I did not seek their permission I am sharing them anonymously.
“My journey to Independence
“When I resumed my educational journey, my daughter’s father refused to care for our eldest daughter in the evenings, even though he was available.
“As a result, I missed several classes and considered withdrawing from the program.
“This made me very sad. I felt so lost.
“Then one day I built the courage, I called one of my tutors, Mr Andre Kellman and asked if it would be okay to bring her to class. Without hesitation, he agreed, he said bring her with her books and homework and so did other tutors like Mr Cort, Ms Hunter, and Mr Turner.
“My daughter [name of daughter] sat there quietly in the evenings with her books, on rainy days, during extended class hours, during exams and many days while walking back home I became so overwhelmed with emotions, I cried because of my situation and I cried for her. She saw me crying too many times… 😭
“My daughter’s father didn’t see the need for me furthering my studies, he asked me why I was doing it, even though this is something he knew I wanted while we were dating.
“He wanted me to remain dependent, I guess he wanted to keep reminding me he was the one taking care of me, despite our very very humble beginnings and sacrifices together to build the business.
“In fact, it was those very dreaded words that prompted me to get up and reclaim my dreams, after all I was living his dream with him.
“As a result of my determined spirit, he made studying difficult, refused to allow time off from our business, and created numerous obstacles for me to get to classes.
“Despite my situation at home, I graduated with honours and went on to university to further my studies.
“Today, on Independence Day, I want to encourage someone.
“No matter the obstacles you face, never give up on your dreams.
“Remember, independence isn’t just about being free from others’ control; it’s about the courage to pursue your own path, no matter how challenging it may be.
“If you’re struggling, know that there are people who will stand by you and help you.
“Stay determined, seek support, make room for your destiny helpers and keep moving forward.
“I’m grateful for those who stepped up when I needed help and I am happy I didn’t give up on my dreams, despite the challenges.
“In the end, I won and I’m still winning.
“Happy Independence Day!”
Here is the second experience:
“There’s a viral video of a woman about to WIN a marathon.
“And just as she’s a few meters from the finish line, her husband launches her two toddlers onto the track like bowling balls to ‘go hug mummy’. She smartly side steps both kids, refuses to lose focus, and wins her race…
“A close friend shared the video with me again this morning and we had a long chat about it. About men who cannot bear to see their spouses succeed… About men who cannot bear to be on the ‘sidelines’ while the woman in their life shines…
“But for me, the catch was, he did it while outwardly looking like he was cheering her on. He threw the children onto the track to go hug mummy when she was meters from the ribbon. He even feigned confusion when someone from the sidelines also shouted at him for his [stupid] saction…
“For a while after my conversation with my friend I realised I felt something akin to sorrow descend on me. And I realised it was because that action of throwing two kids at their mother triggered a memory for me.
“My restaurant was still new. It was hugely popular. At the weekends there would be people standing from the counter all the way to the door. Sometimes people would try to come in and there would be no space to step into the store. Nope. I’m not exaggerating. Some customers would turn around to leave immediately but the security would run after them and ask them to wait a little because the cashiers were really fast.
“The reason the cashiers were fast was because I had weekend cashiers. They were students who wanted to make an extra buck while in Uni, and could only work at the weekends. It was a perfect arrangement for me. I needed them as much as they needed me.
“So. Four extra cashiers at the front (aside from the normal three), including me. I would be right there at the front, in uniform, selling, serving, clearing tables etc etc. Whatever needed to be done to get such a busy restaurant working like clockwork.
“That day was a Sunday. And as usual, the store was chock-a-block. I was in front serving with the cashiers. And suddenly I see my two toddlers pushed through the dwarf swing door into the service area. And their dad turned around and walked out of the store.
“Like the lady in that marathon, I set my face like a flint, called one of the cooks and asked her to sit with the children while I thought of what to do.
“I called a friend, who told me she could not babysit any children. And then another friend who happened to be in the store buying food spotted the kids and said “… What are they doing here??” I just smiled and mumbled an answer. But it was on the tip of my tongue to beg her to take them home with her. But I couldn’t ask her because I just didn’t feel close enough to her…
“And then I took a look at the back-of-house (what kitchens and prep areas in restaurants are called) and I saw the cook who originally had my little boy on her lap had taken a sandwich order and had put him down to prepare it. Both kids were standing behind her just looking lost.
“And in that moment, I also felt lost. And broken hearted.
“So I called Tracy. And I told her both kids were in the restaurant with me and I didn’t know what to do. And she told me not to worry she was coming right over.
“Within 15 minutes she was there and I took the children to her car. And when I got to her I started crying. And trying to speak while crying…
“‘I don’t have any diapers with me. How will you change him’… My youngest was barely two years old…
“And she looked in my eyes, went ‘Shhh… Don’t worry I have pull-ups at home’… She gave me a hug, told me not to worry, the kids will be fine, and she and her husband drove off with them…
“When I got back into the restaurant, a customer at the counter (who had obviously watched the interaction), said, ‘Sorry madam’…
“Recently I told my therapist that something had been happening to me. I would be standing doing something random and suddenly I would feel intense sadness. It would never last long. Always lifts after a few minutes. And then I’m fine. It never lingers. I told him I just didn’t understand it, because I love the house I live in. I like Canada (a lot) and I’m actually beginning to feel like I can see happiness on the horizon once again in my life.
“He asked if I cry when it happens and I said sometimes. But I assured him it never lasts long.
“And he told me it’s a phenomenon that actually has a name. And he told me how they describe it in French.
“He said it’s like throwing a de*d body into a river. One day, the body will come back to the surface. He said the feelings of sadness were the terrible things that had happened to me in the past but my brain could not process the emotions safely at the time. Now that I’m in a better place physically and emotionally, it is now safe for me to process those emotions. And now my brain was allowing the ‘bodies’ to come up. And he told me to feel them and let them go. But to make sure I don’t bury the sadness or suppress it… I thought it was quite profound what he told me. Because it described exactly what was happening to me. It wasn’t a depression type sadness that doesn’t lift. This one was intense but fleeting.
“So when I realised how sad that video of that man throwing the kids in his wife’s path made me, I paused and asked myself why. And then I remembered exactly why…
“This is a story I’ve told some of his relatives.
“This is a man that was ready to resign his job with Shell just so he could take my business from me. These are things I’ve told his relatives.
“And today instead of just telling the story, I allowed myself to feel the sorrow of having a spouse that was ready to sabotage me.. That was ready to use the children to do so.
“And I have allowed myself to finally write about it.
“I’ve told you all before that whenever I allow myself to write about something is when I am finally able to let go of it.
“I’m letting go now.
“Like the woman in that race, I have set my face like a flint, I have kept my eye on my goals and aspirations.
“And. I will win. That I will.”
Kudos to those two sisters and all the other sisters who have fought tooth and nail and won. To those who are still fighting, don’t give up, take it one day at a time. Just making it from one day to another is at times a victory.
