Childless people navigating friendships with people who have children can be a prickly issue. It can also become such a lonely game where no one actually knows the rules but still somehow expectations are there when a heavily dependent player aka the new baby is added to the team.
Even when we say our children won’t change us or we promise to support our friends wholesomely in the same way as prior to children, nothing really goes as planned. And, as expected, annoyance is always rife in both camps and understandably so.
As much as I myself like and adore the babies of my friends I would be lying if I didn’t say I miss the old them and our relationship. The spontaneity, the planning with ease that didn’t have to revolve around nap times and the one where I honestly felt heard and not particularly distracted by a happy-toes toddler.
I often wonder to myself how long till I get my friend back and think perhaps maybe I have gotten too western (code word for individualistic) as my friend cautioned. And if I have, is it such a horrible thing? Isn’t it okay if parents want to socialise?
It is easy to label childless people as selfish and inconsiderate, when they don’t bend to fit your plans. Perhaps for those with children it can feel like an outright rejection of their offspring and amidst all the hormonal changes and being sleep deprived, it can go over the head that friendship is indeed actually a two-way street.
So where do we draw the line of reasonability when one person is going through an incredible life changing moment and the other is still hoping for some of that human connection that helps make them feel seen and heard? Where do we factor in mom guilt and the pressure moms face to be constantly present (nothing in comparison to men) and in turn makes them into overstimulated beings headed for a burn out? Where and how do parents remember and reclaim parts of themselves for their own well-being and to model personal happiness and care for their children?
Naturally, things will change and dynamics will evolve but I think at this particular life junction we are also able to decipher the qualities we always look for in a friend from both camps and it is such a delicate dance. Speaking from the childless camp, it isn’t endless tolerance for the sake of maintaining peace for either camp but rather honesty, respect and care. It is the understanding that everyone’s time has value including the newest team player with a strict napping schedule. It is understanding that while the other party may not have children, we should have respect for different choices. How are we to teach that respect if we box ourselves into totally fixed and controlled settings?
If there’s anything children teach you, it is that you can’t really plan for much but you can find compromises along the way to ensure you reach your destination anyway. And along that route the lessons you will learn from people will probably give you some of the best social skills to navigate your relationships later on in life.
