(Reprinted from September 10th 2023)
Most women value true friendship. I have heard some of us say that we don’t need friends as we have our families. I don’t believe that statement. I think it probably comes from a place of hurt, or not having good experiences with friends.
I write about friends and friendship because it is my conviction that a woman needs strong female support in her corner. It does not matter if you have a husband and children and all is going relatively well in your domestic space. Good wholesome female connection is vital.
It is also true many of us have had some horrible experiences with our female counterparts. In addition, too many times we as women ascribe the label ‘friend’ to just anyone and this creates a big problem.
There are very nice people we know in our lives that are not our friends; they are our workmates, church sisters, acquaintances, gym buddies and the list can go on. These are people you associate with in a certain space. Yes there might be times when you associate outside of the regular space but not often.
I say the above to say that a friend is someone you have emotionally invested in and if you are like me, emotional investment is something serious. It is not an investment that can be made willy-nilly. It shouldn’t be because you will be placing yourself in emotional harm’s way and we should guard this fiercely.
I have written on friendship quite a few times and because this column is titled ‘Women’s Chronicles’ and because I am a firm believer in women having strong friendships, I will continue to write on this topic.
Recently, I published that I had watched a three-part TikTok video shared by a Jamaican woman chronicling a horrific experience of being drugged and raped and the catalyst was a woman she had called friend.
There was also another experience shared, of sexually explicit videos of a 20-year-old that were disseminated on the internet, not by a spurned lover but by a woman she had referred to as ‘sister’ and ‘best friend’.
In her Facebook post she said: “Words can never express how I truly felt during that period” and added that she prayed another woman “does not suffer a similar fate.” She also spoke of how she was crucified in the public domain, mainly by women who are supposed to support and empower their sisters.
“When I found out it was her, I could not believe it and I felt really, really betrayed. Knowing that it was someone I was so close to; someone I shared all my secrets with. The biggest question in my mind was why,” she said at the time. “… I just wanted to know the reason behind her actions. But it didn’t have a reason, … what she did say, which I would never forget, is that the devil finds work for idle minds and she doesn’t want me to see her as a bad friend and it was just the devil.”
I am not sure how I would have responded to the statement about the devil but like that young woman did, I would have cut her off immediately and the hurt would have lived with me for many years.
I recently came across another experience shared by a young woman on Facebook where she believed that her friend did not take her life and safety seriously.
This is what she shared: “Y’all tell me if I’m overreacting or if y’all would have done the same thing… So my friend (ex friend now) and I went out a night in Tribe. We stayed there for a couple hours, she met a guy she knew and he had a friend and like after 1 am we went to magic city.
“So we deh danging, everything going good, her male friend trying to talk to me, but I ain’t deh pon that, but we still liming. At 3:45 am I told her I want to leave at 4 to go home, she said fine. But before telling her that I told her I’ll call my regular taxi that I always use (because I saw she was enjoying herself with the guy) and if I don’t get through to the taxi well she’ll have to take me home cause we came out together and she was the one whose driving. She said okay.
“Baps now I call my car over and over and didn’t get through. At 4:10 am I go to this girl and told her I’m not getting through and if we can leave now. Sad girl gon ask me if meen waan catch a taxi from outside of the club😲
“Right away in my mind I’m like wtf, its 4 am in the morning, I’m an intoxicated young woman, going and catch a random taxi that I don’t know 😟
“I said girl you serious, you want me to go catch a taxi outside that I don’t even know😐 Anyways she eventually came and take me home, she was upset I could have seen it in her face and actions, the entire ride was silent.
“When I reached in my house, I got sober and write her a whole book on how I felt by her trying to jeopardize my life cause suppose now I de never reach home, suppose now de random taxi man had taken me somewhere raped me and killed me, what yuh would have said to my family knowing that is me and you went out? And knowing me I does think far. I later unfriend and deleted her from everything, so I’m wondering if how I handled it was too much.”
“Ps: she don’t drink alcohol.”
She later said in the comment section that her former friend accused her of being entitled and that she was feeling unsafe in a country she knew and the fact that she knows her way home.
Her post garnered numerous comments and below I share some:
“This is why even when I drive I always keep data on to book a ride in case I get high! Tbh [to be honest] it didn’t call to unfriend and all that cuz the situation was small but I understand the principle was big but what about if she herself was intoxicated? It wasn’t bad to ask you to take a car but from the sound of things she wasn’t drunk so that part I understand because if I was driving and got drunk I would’ve ask everybody to take a car cuz I ain’t want kill nobody but at the same time if I’m not drunk then I’m taking my friends home,” one person posted.
Another said: “Was she intoxicated and did she ever become sober? If yes because not sure what could’ve made her become out of tuned with the gravity of the situation, however, what’s done is done. You did you while you were intoxicated and sober and she did her. However this could’ve been a learning lesson but it probably won’t hurt either of you depending on how much of a ‘friend’ you guys were to each other. If you believe you’re right, then you are!”
“You did the right thing! If we going out together we should leave together and oh geeze 4 in the morning sis int ready to go home,” another said.
“You have a point, but my take on it is, Unless it’s something that constantly happens, it shouldn’t come between y’all friendship, especially if y’all know each other for a very long time, when alcohol rub off y’all hug or talk it out like a grown folks… correct her in love …it’s not something that happens regularly. And no I’m not about to go down the road with the toxic friend.”
“She is no friend, it’s had time and limit for everything!!Suppose the man she met had take her away killed and rape her!!! Keep away from ppl [people] like that test your loyalty.”
“I would’ve told her how I felt and it wouldn’t have been another time going out with her period, she as an individual might’ve ended the friendship herself and that would’ve been fine.”
“You did the right thing!”
“You didn’t lose a friend in her, she’s the one who did because even in your not so sober state you still were making correct decisions, leave her where she is….”
I am not sure how close these women were. Maybe there were just associates or maybe one’s connection was closer than the other’s. Maybe it was a lapse in judgement on the other woman’s part as she enjoyed the company of the opposite sex. Maybe, as some suggested, they could have talked about the issue before all ties were cut; or it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
A good friend would have wanted to ensure her sister got home safely. As I mentioned, we have to be careful about who we call friend. That being said, I maintain that good, wholesome female connection is vital to a woman’s soul. I am happy that I have a few whom I cherish. I hope as sisters we all find one or two sisters whose back we have and who has ours as well.
