“I want what is best for my children and sometimes I question what is the best. This world can be so cruel at times and you may try to plan out so much and then something happens and it is like poof, it goes up in flame. If I could have done it all over again I would have but we all know that is not possible…” she said, sounding sad and I know the sentence was not complete but it was as if she did not know what else to add.
This mother has been agonising for a while over the future of her two sons and she blames herself for not giving them a clear-cut direction. She made some decisions that directly impacted their academic development and that she regrets.
“I blame myself, yes but sometimes I say if they could have tried a little harder and at other times I am just unsure what to say. Every parent, I believe, wants their children to grow and be productive, they don’t want them to have to be scrounging for a living,” she told me one day as I was assisting to ensure one of them returned to his studies.
Because of the decisions his parents made, the young man thought it best to look at earning money and forget about studies. Less than two years later he regrets that decision and now wants to develop himself academically.
“And it pains me to know that is where he is today,” the mother told me as she discussed her son’s issue. “But you know I say to myself no matter what I am going to try to help him to do whatever he wants and support him as much as I can. I don’t want him to feel that he can’t come to me. He had an issue recently and I am so happy that he felt comfortable enough to come to me and by God’s Grace we were able to work it out.
“Now he will have to start from the bottom and move up and it is for me to encourage him and tell him that nothing is wrong with that. I will have to support him because I know there will be days when he would want to give up but I have to be there for him.
“When you make your children you know you have all the hopes and dreams for them and you want them to be happy. You know the world hard and there is all kinds of bad things but when you look at their innocent faces you think that you can make it better for them.
“But then you fail miserably at times and you question whether you should have had children at all. After all, this world is not a nice place, but then there are the positives too. My children are respectful and while life can be hard, they love life and for me that gives me joy at times because there are reasons for them to be sad and miserable but they are not. Well, most of times they are not,” she said laughing a little. This mother also has a younger son whom she agonises over as well.
“I also want him to do something but where I am now he really can’t go to school and it is hard to leave him to live with people. Sometimes you have to be honest and I in all good conscience can’t send him to live with someone. It will not be fair to that person and I know there will be complaints. And I don’t think it will be fair to him either,’ she said, sounding frustrated.
I asked her why and she paused for a while before answering.
“Again maybe I have to blame myself, I don’t know. Now don’t get me wrong it is not that he is a bad child, like he would get into trouble or so. I don’t have to think he would get away and go on the road and do bad things, no nothing like that. But on the other hand he needs somebody to be there all the time with him to pick up his books.
“He would find every reason not to pick up his books and I don’t think anyone has the energy to be behind a child all the time to do what he needs to do, especially when it is not their child. They would expect that when he has work to do he gets it done and listens when he is told to do so. He will not.
“So I told the father it is us, we have to try somehow after all it is our own. Maybe with some distance learning until he reaches a certain age. And then there is the technology; is like he is addicted and I have to do something to break him away and can’t just expect someone else to do it. We were so busy over the last few years and then with COVID-19 I think all of that contributed and now it is like a monster we have to get rid of,” she explained to me.
It was a mouthful after which we remained silent for a while.
“I just have to keep fighting. It is my duty as a mother and a parent. And you know we women have to be the driving force behind certain things so I have to do what I have to do. I will give it my all,” she said after a while, sounding very determined.
I couldn’t have agreed with her more and once a parent always a parent.
“We think that when they are little that is the only time when we have to be like a mother but I am learning everyday that our children need us all through their lives once we are around. Yes, when they are little that is the time when we have to train them to become good people.
“But when they get big and face this life with all of its problems or just make decisions they will need us too and I am happy God has kept me thus far so I can support my children. I am not rich but I will give my all,” she told me.
I can only wish this mother all the best with her children. She has an older child whom she said has branched off and is doing well for himself. But he at times needs her support. This mother has a struggle on her hand, especially with her youngest, but she is prepared to fight and support and that is what matters in the end.
As she said, parents will always be parents and we have to be there for our children regardless; it is just a must. Mine are not adults but I know in my bones that I will be there for them when they enter that stage and to support them as much as I can. That is the most we can do sisters, support, support, our children need us.
