Death is inevitable and even though it is sure to knock on the door of everyone, it still somehow manages to deliver an astounding shock every single time; even in cases where it has been highly anticipated due to illness. It feels more unfair and unbearable when it snatches life from those who can barely walk and those who have been led to their death through violence and carnage.
From road accidents to fires to murders, we have not been in short supply of stomach churning news of recent. Sometimes it feels as if we have grown immune given its continuity. Growing up, each of my parents had their own way of dealing with death. My dad would rarely go to funerals, and often said, ‘the dead was the dead’ meaning that we must accept and move on. My mom would be more swept up in cultural traditions like leaving all your clothes outside after returning home from a funeral.
Neither really focused on how one should cope in a broader sense community wise or the emotional toll it takes on those immediately close to the deceased. I suppose as children it can be interpreted as them wanting to put on a brave face and adopting simple, calculated steps to move past it. But simultaneously what that does is give a weird feeling and sense of immortality, especially in the cases where it could have been avoided or has been caused by extreme negligence while setting us up with a more challenging mind set when it comes to dealing with grief and supporting those in their time of grief.
While we are all entitled to deal with our grief in different ways, sometimes it’s easy to overlook ways in which we can offer tangible and intangible support to ease the burden of those suffering.
Grief needs space and instead of rushing the process to restore a sense of normality consider:
Not leaning into or pushing your faith onto anyone. As much as you may believe it’s part of God’s wider plan, hold your tongue. If anything, allow such words and statements to come from those experiencing the pain. Trying to find reasoning for any and every misfortune paints the picture that sadness and pain aren’t human feelings to be experienced when they very much are, as uncomfortable as they may be and sometimes a necessary step to getting over the other side of grief.
There is always an urge to resist contacting those experiencing pain and while I understand everyone has levels to what amount of privacy they want, reach out and wait for them to decide what is necessary. Sometimes the immediacy of support that comes instantly when death arises is much needed; also when funerals and wakes are over and the reality really soaks in. Offer help and leave the door open.
I understand the urge to pry that comes from the shock of sudden death but fight with all your might. This isn’t the time to sensationalise, ask those to recount painful memories and add to their emotional labour. It is most definitely, though, the time to listen and to listen without judgement. There should be no comparisons or sharing from your own personal experiences as it reinforces that there is some magical pathway to coping with grief when it is probably the most highly personalised journey for everyone.
