“I am so angry at him and of course I am hurt because he cheated and now we are no longer together. I have a child; well, now we have a child together and that makes it hard. What am I supposed to do? Because I want nothing to do with this man. Why should he be a part of my child’s life?”
It was obvious that this sister was hurt and angry and I got where she was coming from. No one wants to be cheated on. But even in that state I reminded her gently that the child is actually theirs, as the father played an equal role in the procreation process.
She looked at me silently for a while, as if she wanted to argue but knew that there was nothing to defend.
“I know…” she said trailing off.
It was not a conversation I really wanted to have with her because I have heard many times how badly she was treated by this man and I did feel sorry for her, but when it comes to the man being the child’s father there was no buts.
Before continuing with this sister’s story, let me digress a bit. What I am about to say might not sit well with some sisters, but for me this is just a black white issue and there is no middle ground. No woman should keep a child away from their father. Unless, of course, there is an issue of sexual or physical abuse then there is no question; the child’s safety comes first. The safety of the woman also comes first, so if the father is using access to the child to continue his abuse of the mother then access should be denied.
However, in instances where the parents separate because the man emotionally hurt the mother – cheated and caused the breakup, that is no reason to deny him access to his child. Often, women use their children as a weapon against a man who hurt them, not realising that it is the child who ends up hurt, sometimes irreparably.
Back to the sister who is struggling to do what I believe is right by her child. I sought this sister out after having a conversation with another friend about women denying their children the right to be with their father. But more on that conversation later.
“You know, I always said I didn’t want to have my child or children to grow up without their father and now that is exactly what is happening. I tried my best. I thought I had met the best man in my life and now this is where we are at,” she told me sadly.
Her child is just about one year old and she has been separated from his father for months. The father has seen the child just for brief periods and she is considering denying him further access.
“I thought after I got pregnant we would have gotten married and live as a family. I didn’t go out to get pregnant but it happened and when I told him he seemed happy. But I didn’t know this man had other women in his life. I found out after I got pregnant and I tried to, like, make it work but like this man was not ready to settle down. And the lies…,” she trailed off again.
As I said earlier, I felt the sister’s pain but for me this had nothing to do with the child knowing and being a part of his father’s life and I told her as much.
“I know, but for me I just want to be rid of this man,” she answered.
I told her she can be rid of the man but her child is the man’s flesh and blood and he cannot be rid of his father.
I asked her what she would do when the child got older and started to ask about his father. I also asked her if she believed it was fair for the child to be denied access to the man he should be calling daddy.
“I really can’t say to be honest. I mean I am his mother and I can provide for him, I don’t need a man to help me. But you know I get what you are saying, he will want to know his father, especially when he start getting big,” she answered after a long pause.
“It is just so hard for me,” she continued almost in tears.
I got that it was difficult for her but the child is already here and she has to just try and adjust. As hard as it might be, she has to do what is right by her child.
We all want our children to grow up in a nuclear home but sometimes it is not possible. Let’s be honest, it has to do with us and the people we choose to be with and make children with. We don’t set out to choose the wrong person but it happens and we just have to live with it.
What we should not do as women is deny our children the right to their fathers once no abuse is in the midst.
During a recent conversation with another sister, we both agreed that some women are wicked (I know it is a strong term) but if you use your child as a weapon to get back at a man then that is wickedness. You are hurting the little being that you claim to love, not understanding the damage that you are doing to them.
We have all known of cases where women (and fathers as well but today we are talking about women) use their children to get back at men. They do everything to keep that child away from his or her father.
I recall that a close relative of mine was being encouraged to deny her child’s father the right to be named on the child’s birth certificate as her parent. I ensured this did not happen as I argued that the man had a right to his child. Today, that child is an adult and shares good relationships with both her father and mother. I am happy for all involved.
As for the sister who is still struggling with indecision as to whether her son would be allowed to spend time with his father, I am going to continue to nudge her in the right direction. There is no reason for her to deny the father access and I will encourage her for her son’s sake to not to have an openly acrimonious relationship with the man. I will not be encouraging her to be all ‘lovey dovey’, but for her son’s sake to be cordial with his father.
Sisters, let’s put our children first. Children having relationships with both of their parents is instrumental to their holistic development. It is not our place to decide ‘if’ the father should be involved. It is the right of the child and it is the right of the father. Let us do right by our children. We can’t love them and then deny them that opportunity. If the man is a bad father, the child will figure it out in the end. And even if he or she doesn’t, you would have still done what was right.
