“I love my mother. But then I could say I dislike my mother. I don’t want to say there are times I hate my mother because even to me it sounds really bad. But there are times when I dislike her a lot because of the person she is and the person she always was.
“I know in the Bible it says we must honour our parents and maybe that is one reason why I does try to show respect but some of de things mommy do me is in this life I should just keep away from her like forever.”
As she spoke, this woman in her early 40s with three adult children of her own seemed to struggle to find the right words. There were times during our conversation when her voice broke and a hint of tears was seen but she did not breakdown. We have known each other for years and while I knew she had difficult relationship with her mother (like so many of us) I did not realise the magnitude of that difficulty.
“As a child like I cannot remember any happy moments with my mother. There might have been and maybe I just blocking it out, but all I could remember is licks and work. Yes that was it, from early I use to have to look after me younger sisters and brothers and sometimes it was like I was the mother for the house because whole day I cooking, cleaning and washing.
“I not telling you any lie. From as far back as I could remember that was my life, nothing more. And my father well he is another story for another day but let me just tell you, me and he have no, when I say none, no relationship and it keeping just that way,” she said angrily.
I asked her how the relationship with her mother has improved since she became an adult.
“Well I wouldn’t say it improve or nothing is just like I get marry at a early age to somebody she did want me get marry to. I don’t even know if I was ready. Well I couldn’t be ready because I was still a child. But you get married and you don’t really have no friends or so, so who you guh turn to when you need help?
“So it was like that, you know. I still use to had to depend on she like, because I get me children one after deh other and sometimes I like I couldn’t even able. So she used to help even if it was with some low talk,” she answered.
“She used to want run me married life and me husband he didn’t like better fun because is everything he used to tell she and then she come quarrelling. One day I couldn’t take it anymore and I tell she all I had to tell she. And girl it was like I was the worst person in the whole world. The woman walk and talk me name with everybody who did want listen and how she did twist the story I had no chance.”
When she said the last part she even gave a little laugh; I was not sure she was still unbothered by it.
“But I blame she fuh nuff things in me life, you know; pushing me to get married, then trying to run me life and taking away me childhood.
Even now I try talking to the woman, you know, like trying to show she how she hurt me is like throwing water on duck back because the woman had a plaster for every sore,” she continued.
“Is like she didn’t do nothing wrong. It is always she try she best. I did really want to continue me schooling and I beg this woman to send me to she family who was willing to keep me. But no the woman say I would go and tek man and not study book and in the end she give me man early, early,” she said shaking her head sadly.
“It was not a easy married life and in the first place I never did not even like the man, but again me mother said so and that is what I had to do.
“Is too much thing. Some a them like I don’t even want to talk about. Like sometimes I does say mommy didn’t know better, but and then again I does say she coulda do better.
And even now the woman would not admit that she was wrong in anyway.
Is like whatever happen, happen and that is it. So, you see why sometimes I love she and then dislike she?” she asked not expecting an answer.
“I would take care of she and so and I don’t wish she anything bad, but sometimes I does really be angry because of some of the things that happen and I blame she,” she continued.
While she did not go into details this sister did mention that she experienced sexual abuse as a child and domestic violence as an adult.
“I just hope that I was a better mother than me mother to me children. I know I make plenty mistakes because I wasn’t even ready for children or anything but you know as I get older I try to do better and even today I still trying. We don’t have a perfect relationship but I always trying to be there for them even now them big and have children. I try to protect them, especially the girls because of what I went through and that is all I coulda do, you know,” she told me.
More and more children, especially women, are speaking out about the sometimes toxic relationship they have with their mothers or parents.
Singer Jackie ‘Jaxx’ Hanover has openly written and spoken about the fractured relationship with her mother. She had written a blog post, ‘Guyanese parents are toxic,’ which was widely read and commented on. She had then made it clear she did not think all Guyanese parents were bad; her intention was not to paint everyone with the same brush.
“I believe parents do their best to provide their kids with a happy and wholesome childhood,” Hanover said at the beginning of that post.
“However, every parent makes mistakes (some more than others), and many unfortunately exhibit behaviours that are mentally and emotionally damaging to their children. These toxic behaviours leave many kids with deep emotional trauma that greatly affects them well into adulthood.”
For her, starting the conversation was a chance to validate the suffering of children from those relationships and hopefully assist in the healing process. She did caution, however, that the Guyanese society does not provide an enabling atmosphere for such conversations to take place.
She received tremendous backlash for starting the conversation.
“I have been shamed so much since I was a child. There is no shaming left to shame me. I am immune to it at this point. So it is easier for me to talk about it at this point because I have already taken away that shame from myself. I don’t attach it to myself so there is no shame people can shame me…,” Hanover had told this newspaper in a conversation on the issue.
International child star and author Jennette McCurdy recently released a new memoir with the title “I’m Glad My Mom Died” in which she detailed mental and physical abuse she experienced at the hands of her mother. In an interview, she said that had her mother not died in 2013 she would not have been able to write such a book as she would have still been controlling her life.
According to Vox, in the book she reportedly “paints a vivid picture of child stardom as a system in which children find themselves turned into walking piles of other people’s cash, and summarily dismantled when they lose their value. It’s damning both for the horrors she experienced as an individual and the systemic failures to which her story points”.
As parents we have to be continuously careful of how we raise our children. There is no doubt that mistakes will be made but we need to accept these and then strive to do better. So many women I speak to refer to the difficult relationships they have with their mothers and it really troubles me. I had a similar experience as well but thankfully before my mom died I made peace with it. However, sometimes the painful memories resurface. Like the sister whose experience I partially chronicled, I try every day to be a better mother. (Reprinted from August 21, 2022)
